Did you choose to have a gravestone when you were bereaved and do you regret it?

[ZolaBudd]

walked past the graveyard this morning and was considering how when my dad died we never considered either a burial or an interment of ashes. So no grave. Didn’t want anything really. (He was very loved!!)

Wondering if anyone had a grave or similar and regrets it.
Hope this makes sense

None of my family has a headstone or grave, all cremated and scattered apart from
one grandad. He is in grandmas wardrobe
and will be scattered with grandma (she is 96 and very much alive and kicking).

I’m having a green burial myself. No headstone or anything but maybe a bench somewhere.

my dad was cremated then interred in a plot where mom wants to join him, there is no gravestone and won't be until she dies.

To be honest, it wouldn't have been my choice, i'd rather scatter them both and then pick somewhere nice for a memorial tree or something.

I will certainly request to be cremated and scattered. Mom hasn't visited dad since his internment, and while i've gone a couple of time, its been more out of desire to talk to him than anything else.. i also feel out of place as its really more of a christian place and i'm a witch.

My family were all practising Catholic ( as was I by baptism, but now lapsed) My Grandparents were old school, so wanted a burial. I am not aware of my parents visiting their graves often, even though they still lived nearby in home town. My own DPs requested cremations, and are interred together. We have a headstone, but to be honest don't visit very often. I do however 'talk' to their photographs I regret the unnecessary expense, and think it would have been better to scatter their ashes. There is only so much land left in cemeteries and I think there will have to be a change in how we keep our deceased loved one's memories.

I lost a parent as a child and I resent the choices made at the time around cremation, ashes and memorials. I have no place to go and I'm aware that the stone will be falling to pieces, untended, on an island many hours from here.

Dad was cremated, so no grave. That was what he wanted according to my mum, although that was not in his will.
Dbro didn't even have a funeral.
I want to be buried and have a gravestone.

My dad wanted to be cremated. Being Catholic there is a remembrance garden attached to the graveyard /church and it's for burial of ashes. So we had a private ceremony to Inter dads ashes. We were able to put a wooden grave marker, grandad stone and objects of significance to dad. It's very personal. Some people plant bushes/flowers. It was important that we laid the ashes like that and were we did. We do visit at special times throughout the year but i feel my lovely dad is always around and remembered and talked about with so much love on a daily basis sowe don't need to go there to remember him.

This is true for those of us, who are Christian and have cremated much loved relatives.

If you go to any old church you will probably see many old (100 years+) gravestones, where the lettering is faded, the whole stone is leaning. If you can read the inscription you will often see that the person was beloved, but now there is no one who remembers and maintains the grave. Interesting from a historical perspective, but rather sad and forlorn. Unless the person was famous or something.

So for that reason amongst others I'd rather just be scattered in the wind. We are ephemeral beings. Hopefully we'll be remembered in the hearts of people we love, and they might pass that love on. Also (if you believe) you'll always be known to God.

Dd’s ashes are in my wardrobe. It feels like the best place I can protect her, when I couldn’t protect her enough in the real world.

I specifically didn’t want a gravestone.

Both my parents are buried in a graveyard in a double depth grave. 2 of my sisters still live in the town we grew up in and put fresh flowers often from their gardens every week. I go to visit my parents grave whenever I visit my sister about 4 times a year. My 2 Aunties were cremated and they have a headstone in the garden of remembrance. I put flowers on their headstone too. The first week of December my sister and I meet up every year and make the holly wreathes for my parents grave and my Aunties grave too. We go for a Xmas lunch then go to lay the wreathe together. I know a couple of my nieces and a nephew visit the grave very occasionally too. My son's pop up with flowers if they are visiting their Aunty's or cousins too. I find it comforting to leave flowers at my parents grave. But I also know I carry them in my heart and head too. My DH never visits his Dad's memorial and I know he loved his Dad. He just carries him in his heart and memories in his head. Whatever feels right for you.

Most cemeteries offer a grave care service where they tidy the grave up and will place flowers on specific dates for a reasonable cost. It's what I'd do if my sister could not visit my parents grave.

But I also know I carry them in my heart and head too.

I do. I remember my parents at random moments, when it would have been a birthday and the anniversary of when they died. I live too far away from where they were cremated and have never been back to the crem since they died. They will always be in my head and my heart.

I think when you buy a burial plot it expires 100 years after the last person was buried in it. So they can be resold.

We have a bench at the garden of remembrance at the crem. But I have some of my mams ashes to scatter. I'm going to keep them and mix them with my dads when he goes so they can be together.

We're Hindu and don't have one as standard. It's fine

We remember them at home.

I all ways wanted to be buried but as ive got older i really dont want that i want to be cremated and my ashes to be thrown in a wood or a cemetery.
Ive been in a box all my life i dont want to be buried in one.

My sister when she lost her daughter (stillborn) she had a big funeral and head stone.
She regrets it as she dont go that much due to moving from the area its been 23 years and she still says she has guilt because she cant just up and travel maybe once every 2 - 3 years she will go.

My grandad was buried ive never been to his grave as my aunt took over.
He was an outdoor man loved being outside but she had him buried when he wanted to be cremated.
Caused alot of drama i was 9 at the time she maybe goes now once every few months and deeply regrets it as no one else goes due to her stopping everyone at the time.
Now nearly 30 years later she did try to make a mends but we were not interested we remembered him in our own way along time ago she has a lot of regrets its aged her dearly.

My other sister twin to above sister lost her son been to the grave 3 times in 18 years.
She said every time she goes it reminds her of what happened and should have choose cremation and let his ashes be free.

My sister and I scattered my Dad's ashes on a hillside on one of his favourite walks, exactly where he had specified. So he has no grave.

Many years ago my FIL had requested to be scattered in the sea at a certain point. This was done when a friend was able to take MIL and DH out on his boat. So no grave there either.

My MIL had requested to be scattered on a certain headland of a certain bay. So when she died some years later that was also done. No grave for her either.

Horses for courses I guess. Personally, I like the idea of cremation for myself,as does DH for himself. Some families might prefer to have a grave to visit and focus on though.

Yes to the first question. No to the second.

My dad died when I was young and they had him cremated then ashes scattered. I can barely remember him and would like somewhere to visit his grave. I find it quite upsetting tbh.

We have a family grave, but it is in a town none of us live anywhere near now. The last person to be buried in it is someone who wasn't actually a blood relative but was informally adopted by my great grandparents and really wanted to be buried with the family. It's full now I think ,and my parents didn't wan't to be buried in it anyway, so we saved Mums ashes until Dad died and scattered them together in one of their favourite places. I occasionally wish there was a memorial, but I don't need one to remember them really.

My grandmother tends to 4 graves (her parents, my grandad parents her PIL) and I think it’s a big burden on her if I’m honest.

She decorates the graves beautiful for Easter and Christmas but I don’t believe that my great grandparents are there anymore so it almost feels like a waste. She’s quite often up there on Boxing Day in the freezing cold.

I think when I die (only nearly 30 so hopefully a while yet) I’d like to be scattered somewhere nice my family could visit if they chose to or holiday at

I don't associate the church yard/cemetery with my loved ones. I bought a special plant and planted it in my garden or I visit places that were special to them, but mostly I just think about them wherever I am. I don't feel the need to go somewhere specific to remember them. I totally understand why it brings comfort to some, but it doesn't to me and I have been clear about my feelings for my loved ones too. They're extortionately expensive too!

My son died aged 10. We had him cremated and buried. He has a headstone. My mum was cremated two years later and her wishes were to be scattered in the garden with her flowers and some with my ds. When I go I want to be cremated and put in with my ds.

We visit him almost weekly.

My DDads ashes were buried and we have a stone. It is very local to me. I don't visit often but like to take flowers on significant days and visit when I like, i dont feel guilt about not going though. I like the history of it and that his name and dob are there, when we're all gone people can still see his name etc.

75% of people have cremations in this country now so most are opting out of the traditional headstone etc. We scattered some of my dads ashes on an old family grave in a beautiful remote spot and also in other places that were memorable to him. I find graveyards gloomy and sad and I’d much rather remember him in other more uplifting places.