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Original poster

My child’s ADHD assessment intake, is this a normal question?

31 replies

TheBeatles · 13/10/2023 19:12

I’m still feeling quite upset about this and I’m wondering whether I’m being silly.

12yo son has suspected ADHD and today we had his intake for assessment. Me, DS and exDH. Ex and I are on great terms and see each other regularly for family stuff, there are absolutely no issues there.

In the second part of the interview DS left the room so they could talk to ex and me privately. Then we were asked how long ago we split up - a normal question I think. And then - why our marriage broke down!

I was really thrown and have been feeling progressively worse all day. Is this a normal question to be asked? I really was not prepared to discuss the breakdown of my marriage, together with my ex(!) at my son’s ADHD intake? Am I being silly? I’ve been crying this evening and I feel really exposed somehow. I really feel uncomfortable. They want to see us again next week and I feel like telling exH to go on his own. I don’t want to see them again, I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.

(FWIW nobody else was involved in our relationship ending, and nothing illegal or immoral occurred, nor abuse or addiction. I just feel guilty and stupid.)

OP posts:
Beginningless · 13/10/2023 19:16

I’m not an expert but work with children and I wonder whether they ask this question to help assess any particular issues your child is having and whether ADHD is the most likely explanation, other neurodiversity, or life circumstances. Children may struggle with parents separating and this reflected in their behaviours, so I don’t think it’s an outrageous question, but I can imagine it catching you off guard if you weren’t expecting it.

Paddingtonthebear · 13/10/2023 19:16

I have no experience or knowledge of this
field but I agree, that question feels very intrusive! The only thing I can think of is if they were looking for neurodiversity in the wider family. But the question isn’t exactly relevant to to that, so probably not!

Paddingtonthebear · 13/10/2023 19:17

Previous poster raises a good point!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Twoshoesnewshoes · 13/10/2023 19:20

Yes it can be a useful question if they’re trying to ascertain whether his issues are ADHD symptoms or something else.
I worked with children who’d experienced domestic violence for many years, and their behaviours can be very similar to adhd but a different cause (and therefore different treatment). So if a child has been exposed to a really nasty break up then it could be relevant.

Butteredtoast55 · 13/10/2023 19:20

This is a reasonable discussion, albeit one that you were not at all expecting or prepared for. There can be many reasons why children display ADHD signs and there's common ground with the impact of trauma. It's essential to view your son holistically and to know what his lived experiences have been. Even an amicable and well-managed relationship break up will have an impact on a child. All they're trying to do is get a full picture to make the best assessment they can in terms of his needs.
It must have really taken you by surprise and left you feeling exposed, but it's just information-gathering (perhaps rather insensitively), not judging you or laying blame anywhere.

StopLickingTheDog · 13/10/2023 19:20

Neurodiversity and trauma can present very similarly in some cases

Overthebow · 13/10/2023 19:21

Children can really struggle with divorce/relationship breakdowns of parents and may lead to behaviour issues and other challenges so it is a normal question really. They are trying to see if there may be other causes other than ADHD.

SaracensMavericks · 13/10/2023 19:22

Yes I agree with previous posters. I think they were exploring whether your DS has been exposed to a bad breakup which might have had an impact on him, to prevent them wrongly diagnosing ADHD when it was actually a response to a traumatic time. I don't think it was meant to judge you OP - just to get a complete picture.

SawX · 13/10/2023 19:25

I think your reaction is the unusual bit. It's normal to feel some guilt about splitting up a family but to be this thrown and crying hours later suggests you have some unresolved feelings about the breakup.

Original poster
TheBeatles · 13/10/2023 19:29

Twoshoesnewshoes · 13/10/2023 19:20

Yes it can be a useful question if they’re trying to ascertain whether his issues are ADHD symptoms or something else.
I worked with children who’d experienced domestic violence for many years, and their behaviours can be very similar to adhd but a different cause (and therefore different treatment). So if a child has been exposed to a really nasty break up then it could be relevant.

This sounds very reasonable to me, but I do wonder at the wisdom of asking us together and out of the blue! He was hardly going to say (for example), “Beatles hit me for years and eventually I left her,” and have us continue on with a civilised discussion. So while exH told them his truth, they have no way of knowing if we were hiding something. They really should have asked us separately.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 13/10/2023 19:29

Yes it’s normal - Adhd symptoms can also be a presentation of trauma , ineffective parenting ..

seperation can really difficult for many children -

part of the assessment is excluding external factors - it is likely they will look at parenting too…

As he got to 12 not reaching the assessment stage they will be looking at if it is relating to anything recent .

That said I have been through the process . One consultant queried how he could have friends if he had ADHD , how he wasn’t failing in school - he is very very bright so was scraping through ..

He did a qb test which showed how much he struggled to focus , sit still .

Goneback2school · 13/10/2023 19:31

ADHD assessments is part of my job and yes it would be normal to ask for that information. It is important to have a full developmental history and potential tension in the home at the time of separation is relevant, may point towards attachment/ trauma etc.

Original poster
TheBeatles · 13/10/2023 19:31

SawX · 13/10/2023 19:25

I think your reaction is the unusual bit. It's normal to feel some guilt about splitting up a family but to be this thrown and crying hours later suggests you have some unresolved feelings about the breakup.

Nah I have social anxiety (diagnosed). That’s where the stress is coming from. I don’t like talking about personal things in that sort of situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBeatles · 13/10/2023 19:33

Goneback2school · 13/10/2023 19:31

ADHD assessments is part of my job and yes it would be normal to ask for that information. It is important to have a full developmental history and potential tension in the home at the time of separation is relevant, may point towards attachment/ trauma etc.

Again serious question, how would you know we were telling the truth?

Does it not often lead to fights? Tears? Awkwardness?

What if I’d said, “Well I found out he was sleeping with his colleague?” (He was not of course.)

OP posts:
LouOrange · 13/10/2023 19:34

It’s relevant as trauma can cause a child tk exhibit adhd type symptoms (impulsivity, lack of concentration etc)

SawX · 13/10/2023 19:36

TheBeatles · 13/10/2023 19:31

Nah I have social anxiety (diagnosed). That’s where the stress is coming from. I don’t like talking about personal things in that sort of situation.

Show quote history

That was the only personal question they asked? They didn't delve anywhere else into your home life, your parenting?

Original poster
TheBeatles · 13/10/2023 19:44

SawX · 13/10/2023 19:36

That was the only personal question they asked? They didn't delve anywhere else into your home life, your parenting?

Show quote history

We talked about all the usual things, how he was at primary school, mealtimes, homework. How he got to school, how long it took, his sibling, etc etc. We’d filled out all sorts of questionnaires beforehand about discipline etc. DS was asked whether anyone got cross with him for forgetting things.

The other thing I was asked that I felt was personal was whether I was happier now. Again I felt that was an insensitive question to ask us in front of each other. Ex and I are good friends and very supportive of each other, but I don’t tell him everything about myself.

OP posts:
Goneback2school · 13/10/2023 20:03

I guess we would trust that parents will tell the truth in an assessment to help their child. If there was something said that a parent didn't agree with there is nothing stopping you from calling CAMHS to talk further. Generally if parents have separated and are attending together the assumption is that they aren't least somewhat getting on well.
Again all these questions are relevant to determine the environment the child has grown up in.

Marygoesround · 13/10/2023 20:36

I suppose they meant the eider circumstances rather than specifics, ie grown apart etc. as opposed to something more traumatic that could have affected DC. Sounds like they could have been a bit clearer/ worded it better

namechange1986 · 13/10/2023 20:38

I had this and was told it was because they had to exclude all other reasons for behaviour. Trauma could potentially cause challenging behaviour and they had to rule that out.

Lindy2 · 13/10/2023 20:47

Reaction to past trauma can present similarly to ADHD. They were looking to rule out any past traumatic event.

I imagine it's a fairly standard question. If you're a parent to a neuro diverse child it pays to develop a pretty thick skin to other people's questions and opinions.

greenspaces4peace · 13/10/2023 23:04

i suspect it's because early trauma can present as adhd.
just a question IF a child has had a traumatic first few years or an event and presents with adhd type behavior is the treatment different? would meds not work as well or would other options be offered?

Marygoesround · 14/10/2023 01:30

The meds are for ADHD, so if it's a behavioural problem caused by trauma (or anything else), then no, meds absolutely wouldn't work. The meds are stimulants, the last thing you want to be giving a child with behavioural problems is a stimulant. For someone with ADHD, the effect is a calming of nervous energy allowing more considered focus.

MeinKraft · 14/10/2023 01:40

Your child is not an island, they need a complete picture of their home life to help them form a diagnosis. Honestly the fact you've reached so dramatically to the point where you don't want to go to the session next week would make me think perhaps some sessions with CAMHS would be useful before continuing to pursue a diagnosis, but then I am not your child's consultant paediatrician.

Gingernaut · 14/10/2023 02:17

ADHD is inheritable and many who are now adults are undiagnosed

Relationship breakdowns related to job hopping, driving issues, risky behaviours and inability to function normally are often signs that one or the other parent has issues

Unstable adult relationships around the child may cause issues as well, especially if they have ADHD