My child’s ADHD assessment intake, is this a normal question?

[TheBeatles]

I’m still feeling quite upset about this and I’m wondering whether I’m being silly.

12yo son has suspected ADHD and today we had his intake for assessment. Me, DS and exDH. Ex and I are on great terms and see each other regularly for family stuff, there are absolutely no issues there.

In the second part of the interview DS left the room so they could talk to ex and me privately. Then we were asked how long ago we split up - a normal question I think. And then - why our marriage broke down!

I was really thrown and have been feeling progressively worse all day. Is this a normal question to be asked? I really was not prepared to discuss the breakdown of my marriage, together with my ex(!) at my son’s ADHD intake? Am I being silly? I’ve been crying this evening and I feel really exposed somehow. I really feel uncomfortable. They want to see us again next week and I feel like telling exH to go on his own. I don’t want to see them again, I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.

(FWIW nobody else was involved in our relationship ending, and nothing illegal or immoral occurred, nor abuse or addiction. I just feel guilty and stupid.)

Trauma can present in a very similar way to ADHD, so the reason for a marriage breakdown could be important if for example their was abuse. It could also be a child is dealing with truama/anxiety/depression on top of having ADHD. These factors would need to be taken into account to give your child the right treatments, supports and interventions they need.

The questions in an assessment can be very detailed and to some extent intrusive. We weren't split up when my DC went through their assessments, but they did ask questions about our marriage. A good clinician will take a very comprehensive history of the child, I was asked about pregnancy, birth and early childhood in a very detailed way. DC were young children when diagnosed. I would be reassured they are doing the right thing and taking a detailed history so they can make the correct diagnosis/diagnoses for your child.

It isn't good practice not to seperate you briefly and speak to you individually about the relationship and it's breakdown. Like the midwife that asked me about DV in front of Stbxh. At that stage I didn't realise there was any abuse going on so it just seemed a bit pointless to ask in that way. Stbxh didn't come to my DCs assessments so I could tell them the truth there. Otherwise I would have tried it contact them separately afterwards and speak in private.

I have social anxiety too so I understand why you're feeling that way, I want to never go back after a embarassing mishap today at DC soccer, but sometimes it really crucial push through if you possibly can. I find it easier doing it for my kids, I can't do it for myself. They need to they get the full picture for your DS sake.

ADHD medication wouldn't normally help a child with trauma, it could worsen some of the symptoms they're experiencing. Because of their nature ADHD medications are more controlled than a lot of other medications. In some countries you need a psychiatrist or paediatrician to prescribe them and GPs can only do so under a treatment plan from the relevant specialist. Treatment of trauma would involve therapy with a psychologist, maybe in conjunction with antidepressants and a psychiatrist depending on the child's needs. Autism and ADHD can present similarly, ADHD mediation does not help children with Autism and can be problematic for children who are Autistic but also have ADHD.

I feel the same way after seeing my therapist or having a talk with my doctor. I understand. I do think it was an appropriate question but asked in a very insensitive way. They should have asked permission for one, esp with ex there. And explained why. Some people are totally logical thinkers and don't remember others have feelings. I bet if you gave them feedback about this they would take it to heart. Just breathe through the feelings and remember it's all for your child, nothing is wrong and it's just a feeling that will pass. That's what I do, it helps me face the therapist or doctor again.

This is medical misinformation.

Context is really important here, I think.

You attended together. If there had been DV, or unresolved affairs, or you just didn't get on - you'd be very unlikely to attend together. In that case, you'd naturally be asked those questions privately, as would your ex, and inferences would likely be drawn from you choosing to attend separately, too.

As you attended together, it was reasonable to assume that relations are sufficiently positive that you can answer that type of question for the sake of your child.

I'm sympathetic to your social anxiety; anxiety is the worst, but I think that's making this feel a lot more unreasonable than it is if you consider the whole situation. Assessing if there are other causes like trauma is an important part of the ADHD assessment.