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Original poster

I'm an abusive mum

46 replies

messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:16

I had an argument with my adult daughter today and I feel awful and quite ashamed. I know I'm emotionally abusive and she doesn't know if she's coming or going with me or what mood I'm in but I've said some awful things to her today and she's phoned a friend whilst at work sobbing and heartbroken about the things I've said to her. I need help.

OP posts:
snatchabook · 13/10/2023 14:17

What did you say and why? Is this a one-off, a recent habit, or have you always been this? It's hard to say whether you're abusive without knowing these things.

SaturdayGiraffe · 13/10/2023 14:19

Book a therapist today. https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Actions speak louder than words.

| BACP

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Quitelikeit · 13/10/2023 14:20

How old is she?

Are you like this with all your kids?

14blackcrows · 13/10/2023 14:21

You need to go to your GP and actually ask for help. Or if you have the money look at private options for counselling and cbt or anger management classes etc.
If you really mean that you are sorry the best thing to do is not wallow in self pity but follow up with personal change. And you CAN do that with the right support. It sounds like you are very reactive and emotionally unregulated.. these are things you could definitely work on and have success with. It wouldn't just help your relationship with your daughter it would help you in your whole life.
NHS waiting lists for mental health service are often quite long but just stick with it and don't give up. It might help your daughter to see you are doing something proactive about changing. I'm sure that would mean a lot to her.

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/10/2023 14:22

Can you elaborate? And maybe text an apology to your daughter. She may not want to speak right now but it sounds like you are sorry and do owe her an apology.

Lottapianos · 13/10/2023 14:22

'Book a therapist today. https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Actions speak louder than words.

This. Great advice. You do need help OP, and it's good that you've recognised that.

| BACP

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

BethDuttonsTwin · 13/10/2023 14:22

Is this the "I'm soooooorrrry" phase? Where you feel horribly guilty so self flagellate and apologise to her repeatedly which does little but force her to bear the burden of listening to said apologies and reassure you of her forgiveness so YOU feel better?

Babadook76 · 13/10/2023 14:22

What did you say? Have you been like this her entire childhood? Can you go and apologise to her?

14blackcrows · 13/10/2023 14:24

And I do agree with pp. Do not further harass your daughter trying to get her forgiveness, altho you could apologise via message once but don't expect a reply.
Go in with actual work you are doing and steps you are taking to change. Apologies count for nothing unless you are actually changing your behaviour

ReadtheReviews · 13/10/2023 14:28

I would text, you aren't the problem, it's me. I am very sorry for what I said and didn't mean it. I am going to get therapy to make myself into the mum you deserve.

Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:32

Thanks everyone for responding. I said I didn't want her living at home anymore and that I didn't care about her problems. She's 21 and the eldest. I suffer with ptsd, depression, anxiety and also have bpd. My moods are awful and I could literally walk around in silenced and be happy with that. If I'm spoken to my mood switches fast. I must be horrendous to live as its bad enough being inside my own head. She contributes to nothing at home, doesn't even wash a spoon up. Hasn't paid rent in 2 months. I would would much rather her move out but I should not have said it to her, friend said she couldn't understand a word she was saying through the sobs. I'm on medication as it is (been on 9 different types) the one I'm taking atm helps with the sucidal thoughts but has done nothing for my mood. I'm looking at getting some private help as the nhs stuff is so slow .

OP posts:
Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:34

@StephanieSuperpowers thank you, I have texted her and apologised, she's at work so can't call her. Apparently she's been crying at the till. I feel absolutely awful 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:38

@snatchabook I've been like this since around 2019, had a breakdown two years ago and things have gotten pretty bad since then. I feel like I just can't tolerate my adult children. I know I'm emotionally abusive I have all the traits I just need til he help now.

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Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:40

@Quitelikeit 21 and I'd say I'm worse with the two eldest. I don't know if that's because they are adults so expect more help from them around the home but I just can't tolerate them and find myself waiting for them to move out.

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Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:43

@14blackcrows thank you, I've had cbt therapy and cognitive eye therapy both didn't help. I'm feeling like I need to sit down face to face with some sort of therapist so I can talk about my past and offload but don't know where to start

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graceinspace999 · 13/10/2023 14:44

At least you are aware of your verbal abuse.

I think you and your daughter could do with a relationship counsellor or mediator to see both of you together.

Your daughter should be contributing to the house work as well as paying her way.

A mediator could address this as well…

Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:45

@BethDuttonsTwin I've texted and apologised. Wasn't an essay just told her that I was sorry and told her I loved her.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 13/10/2023 14:46

If you want a relationship get help before it's to late. Maybe therapy or mediation.

My mum was the same and even though we have a relationship it's very strained and I don't feel the same love for her I felt as a child

Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:47

@graceinspace999 I think a relationship counsellor would be a step in the right direction actually thank you.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 13/10/2023 14:48

This is so difficult to read especially as someone who had a mum like that, although she did change her ways after seeing the effect it had on her family.

The best thing you can do is actually take steps to resolving this yourself, with a therapist, get proper help and communicate that with your daughter. You saying you’re sorry and that you love her really is worth nothing after telling her you want her out and don’t care about her problems. Actions speak louder than words, take responsibility for your behaviour and tell her what steps you are taking to ensure it doesn’t happen again, then follow through.

vapesareforsnakes · 13/10/2023 14:49

BPD is very hard to deal with, especially if you split. It is not something you can control very easily. You did the right thing apologising. Make sure your daughter knows how BPD works and how sometimes, if you are in a spiral you say things you don't mean. There are some very good BPD tik tokkers out there who explain it very well for those who are affected by this horrible disorder.

Lottapianos · 13/10/2023 14:51

'I'm feeling like I need to sit down face to face with some sort of therapist so I can talk about my past and offload but don't know where to start

Google BACP as linked above and look for a therapist who offers psychodynamic psychotherapy. I can relate a lot to your emotional reactiveness and poor regulation. Psychodynamic therapy is interested in how your past impacts your present. I was in therapy for a long time and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. It's no quick fix and can be intensely painful but you know that you need to start processing whatever is underlying your emotional dysregulation. Good luck

Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:57

@Cas112 this is what I'm worried about. Sometimes I feel like I don't care how my children see me but then other times I feel extremely guilty for putting her through this. I know she loves me a lot we grew up together I was 17 when she was born. I want them to come to me with whatever problems they have and then like the flick of a switch I couldn't give a damn how they feel. It's a horrible way to live when you don't know if your mums Jekyll or Hyde today.

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Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 14:58

@Mrsttcno1 sorry 😞 I'm going to look into what I can do privately. I need to be a better mother.

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Original poster
messedupmumma · 13/10/2023 15:01

@vapesareforsnakes it's awful. The switch is terrifying and I feel like it's happening more often lately. I'm going to send links her because I don't think she understands my condition. Also I think you can understand it but when you hear your mum saying really unloving things to you it still cuts deep.

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