I'm an abusive mum

[messedupmumma]

I had an argument with my adult daughter today and I feel awful and quite ashamed. I know I'm emotionally abusive and she doesn't know if she's coming or going with me or what mood I'm in but I've said some awful things to her today and she's phoned a friend whilst at work sobbing and heartbroken about the things I've said to her. I need help.

I wish my mum had had the insight that you're showing❤️.

That's the first step to healing things. As others have said, get some therapy. Speaking as someone on the other side if this equation, your daughter may be hurt but she loves you and wants nothing more than for you to show accountability (which you are) and engage in a healing process.

I think that would be a really good idea. My mum also suffers with depression, anxiety as well as bipolar, she found communication very difficult and did often snap at us as you say you have. Luckily she did realise as we got older especially that “sorry” doesn’t cut it, and nor should it, she wouldn’t want me to forgive anyone who was horrible to me just because they said “sorry”.

She spent a lot of time in individual therapy, and then we (as a family) spent some time in family therapy, basically learning how to communicate with each other. Although none of this stopped her emotions/thought processes, it does mean that rather than saying the first thing that comes to her mine, she will walk away from a situation, and we as a family know that if she’s walking away that’s not an insult it’s just a “okay, she needs a minute”. You can’t always control your emotions, but you can control how you verbalise them. X

It absolutely does of course but understanding is key for her. It does make a difference when you understand BPD and what it means for someone who lives with it and also what it is like to be on the receiving end. BPD is a horrific disorder and my heart goes out to you.
“People with borderline personality disorder (and those like them) are like people with third-degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement”.
Borderline personality disorder is one of the most painful mental illnesses since individuals struggling with this disorder are constantly trying to cope with volatile and overwhelming emotions.
Bpdrelatable is excellent on Tik Tok.

I have a sibling exactly the same as you describe only it's aimed at my dm and the siblings partner.

It's been aimed at me a few times and although I understand like we all do it doesn't make it any easier to cope with.

It has a knock on effect and drags the other supporters down.

The not doing rings around the house is normal young adult stuff but needs to be approached in a different manner.

Well done admitting you need help. Both you and your Daughter need to change.

I'm glad you said this OP. It's not enough to educate people in your condition then basically say "my condition made me do it" as if that absolves you from blame. It doesn't. Abuse isn't acceptable whatever the reason.

I feel for you with the state of MH services. You need DBT for learning better ways of interacting with people and keeping control of yourself. Some other therapy to deal with the PTSD maybe too, especially if you feel like offloading.

One thing I will say, it's fine to want your adult DC to move out. That in itself doesn't make you a bad mum. It's ok to need your space back especially if they're not contributing to the household chores or financially. You're obviously unwell and need space to do some recovery to hopefully regain (or develop) some equilibrium. I suspect the issue was with the way you said it and the other things you said alongside it. It actually will be better for them to not be living with the abuse. Their home should be their safe space. I suggest those old enough should move out, possibly they could share a place together? You may want to be able to support them with their lives but if you're not capable of that right now then it's better to admit it, than to constantly say one thing but do another.

Hi OP, I've not read every single comment on your post but I noticed you have BPD. I also had traits of this which would make me act out and be horrible to the people I loved most at times. I'm now considered "asymptomatic" and I credit DBT therapy for that, as well as lots of personal reflection and general therapy. Have you had DBT? This may be your calling to explore therapy specifically aimed at BPD, it can be a lifesaver. Good luck, I know how hard this is.

Most helpful response. Agree.

@EasterFlower I have one child that moved out 2 years ago, she married with a baby due, I have a much better relationship with her but I think that's because she doesn't live her so when they come to stay it's lovely. I find living with adults extremely difficult, especially ones that don't contribute to anything and just make my life more difficult clearing up after them everyday, I can't of resent them. But I should never have said that to her today and made her feel like she's not wanted in her own home. It's difficult because I want to spend everyday alone and my heart sinks when they walk in the door. I feel awful just writing that down.

@Snickers94 I haven't tried that yet but will look into it thank you.

When I was a teenager my older sister rang me and gave me a flea in my ear because my mum had sent her a text saying she dreaded me coming home. I was so hurt and I cried and cried - I hadn't realised how awful I was being - but ultimately I needed to hear it. My mum and I had a good chat and a hug and I got a lesson in how to behave. Your feelings matter too OP and she's making your life a misery - maybe this won't be the worst thing in the world.

@MotherOfVizslas thank you. I didn't particularly have a very loving and affectionate mum and I'm very much like that myself. But hearing how heartbroken she was today made me realise that I'm actually passing on her suffering with her own mental health. I should be there for her but instead I'm pushing her away.

@MeinKraft it probably does help her to hear this too, but I think I went to hard on her. She feels unloved and unwanted by me and as her mother whatever I'm going through I should be able to just ask her every now again how she's getting on but I don't.

Both of you might be happier with a better relationship with each other living apart so I don’t think you should beat yourself up about wanting your adult kids to move out, although it’s not always easy for them to do so in this day and age unfortunately. It’s good that you’re showing insight and empathy here, but now is probably not the time to ask her to show deep understanding of your mental health condition. In your shoes I would simply apologise and say you are going to get help and leave it at that. I think family therapy may be your best bet if she is willing to come with you. Individual DBT therapy and/or trauma focussed counselling if you have had a difficult past for yourself might also help. But I would start with the family therapist and see how that goes. If the family therapist feels you need to do some individual work before they can make a difference they will let you know.

I think the fact you’re self aware is the first step to making changes.

My mum was abused emotionally/psychologically as a child too. She was terribly unhappy.

We had one breakthrough moment once, when she said "I thought I'd broken the cycle with you, but I guess not." But then the shutters went down again and it was back to the norm of not discussing any emotions ever.

It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to forgive her, knowing that I'll never have any real resolution or closure from her side.

You are already doing so much better by at least attempting to tackle the problem.

I'd lose my shit if someone didn't even a wash a spoon up. Straw, camels back etc.
I'm sure a counsellor will help but you're only human.

I had a father who's behaviour towards me was similar to yours. He had a complicated backstory too, but when you are living with someone like this , that's irrelevant to your emotional survival.

He would describe me in the same way you describe your daughter. I can tell you, living with that feeling of fear and pressure can make you almost frozen. I would constantly be waiting on another mood or outburst and sometimes I couldn't move to clean up or do other things. I literally couldn't move, I'd just sit there. Which he of course kicked off about and the cycle continued.
I think your daughter needs someone to help and advice her, and help her plan to put some physical distance between you in terms of housing. She needs to not live with you.

I left at 22. Best thing I ever did, and now in my 50's I rarely see him.

I think speaking to a therapist would absolutely be a great step but I also wonder if it would have got so heated if you felt she was pulling her weight at home. Perhaps you could sit down with the friend she contacted as a calm mediator type person and calmly draft an agreement about her contribution, whether that be financially or around the house. You could explain that while you love her dearly the pressure from doing it all meant you were inappropriate and lashed out.

I don't understand what you've done wrong she's 21 has stopped paying you rent and doesn't help out around the house I would want her to move out to. But I also have bpd so who knows. Iv been called abusive in the past so maybe I'd be in the wrong to 🤷‍♀️

Because OP didn't sit down with DD, have a calm chat,c say this isn't working and as you're an adult now I think we'd both be happier and get along better if you moved out. She tells her DD to come to her if there's a problem, then lashes out when DD does come to her because OP can't stand being around anyone at the moment, taking out her feelings on her DD and probably called her a bunch of names and yelled at her to get out etc. The OP admits she's emotionally abusive and yes she does sound like it.

I agree with PP about DD is probably so terrified of getting things wrong she doesn't know what to do. May also have stopped paying rent because she's started saving to move out or is trying to drown her sorrows with drink or something. Maybe DD has lost her job and too scared to say. Who knows. OP didn't try to find out just went off in one.

Personally I think any family counselling is for the future. How many times do we tell women on here: don't have counselling with your abuser. That doesn't suddenly change if the abuser is the parent. DD could use some counselling I'm sure, but solo. And OP sounds totally strung out, at the end of her tether, she needs to be able to breathe for a bit and calm herself down before she starts trying to repair her relationship with others. I'm not sure DD could really be in a situation of trying to get along better with her mum when she knows that the situation is: do as mum wants (even if that changes every ten seconds) or mum will kick off. I don't see how DD can have an effective joint counselling session while she still lives with OP in that dynamic.

Incidentally OP, you're not going to repair the relationship by asking your DD to learn more about your MH. That's not you repairing things, that's you expecting DD to repair things by just accepting it. It would be useful if DD is willing to learn more so she understands you better, but it should come at a later point as a separate issue.

I hope you can find the help you need sooner rather than later. You must be going through hell right now.