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Original poster

To want to give SIL a good shake!

38 replies

elsieandthepooch · 13/10/2023 06:50

DH and I are having a very stressful time at the moment.

DH is having to make redundancies at his place of work. I have a very stressful flat sale going through at the moment, which is impacting on us hugely financially as we are paying out 2x mortgages, Council Tax etc.

Things are not great. We are both hardly sleeping with the worry and stress of everything.

SIL's ex-husband asked for a divorce over 4 years ago. She has been living with in-laws for the past 3.5 years and has just moved into a new house. Things are not going well. She is depressed about everything. During the summer, MIL shipped her down to us (we live hours away) to come and stay for the week. It was meant to have been a bit of a holiday, but what we weren't told that she was coming down for support.

Due to what we had going on, support was the last things on our minds as we had and continue to have our own problems. She was, to be blunt, weird the week she stayed with us. She was very awkward to be around, would leave a room because she didn't have the confidence to sit in it with us, and generally said some very odd things. I found being with her very uncomfortable.

After she had gone, we had a call from MIL to say that SIL had gone home upset because we had not offered the support she had needed. I wasn't aware that we were a counselling retreat! Last weekend, SIL was taken away for the weekend with extended family because she was having a difficult time. DH telephoned MIL over that weekend for a catch up and we were both told we just needed to toughen up and get on with things. This was a red rag to a bull and really annoyed me.

It feels, at times, that DH and I are not allowed to "feel anything" and if we do, it is insignificant and nobody wants to listen to us. I am not bothered about my situation so much with them, but it angers me so much that DH is often told to "toughen up" when they're pandering constantly to his sister over a relationship that broke down 4 flipping years ago.

I want to say something, but not sure it is my place. Do we just keep our distance? I've already told DH that after this year's visit, I am not comfortable having SIL back here to stay again, but that has caused problems with them. Any advice.?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/10/2023 06:54

It sounds like she needs antidepressants, and some counselling from a professional, not passing round from relative to relative so the in-laws get a break.
I wouldn’t have her again. Tough if they don’t like it.

MsChatterbox · 13/10/2023 06:56

I really feel sorry for your DH

TeaKitten · 13/10/2023 07:01

I don’t understand why you want to give your struggling, depressed SIL a good shake… it’s not her fault your MIL isn’t fair to her son, or that MIL didn’t tell you why she’d sent SIL down. Sorry you are having your own struggles and that MIL is a cow but I can’t see what your SIL has done wrong.

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TeaKitten · 13/10/2023 07:02

To clarify I think it’s fine not to have SIL back again, but I don’t understand the anger/wanting to shake her for problems caused by MIL.

Hiddenvoice · 13/10/2023 07:05

I think you’re being a little unreasonable op.
Yes you are stressed but she’s quite clearly depressed and finding things very difficult. She felt so rubbish in herself that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to stay in a room with you.

It’s not her fault she was sent down to you and you weren’t aware what for, that’s MIL fault. It seems she’s the one creating the differences between her son and daughter. I would focus on your and your troubles just now and suggest dh says Next to to his mum, to get his sister a gp appointment.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 13/10/2023 07:06

It sounds as though DSIL is ill and isn't getting the help she needs. I'm not sure that shaking someone is the recommended threat meant when she may be suffering from anxiety and depression.

Has she sought any help or been encouraged too?

I'm also a bit baffled why you're cross with her when it's your DMIL who seems to be the issue.

margotrose · 13/10/2023 07:11

I really don't think it's your place to say anything and your thread title is quite insensitive considering your SIL is quite clearly suffering with severe depression.

If you don't want her to stay again that's fine, but otherwise I would be grateful that your mental health isn't in the gutter to the point that you can't sit in the same room as your brother and his wife.

RosesAndGin · 13/10/2023 07:13

I would tell your mil that you weren't aware you were a retreat for divorced women.
Depressed or not she can't just foist herself and her problems onto you regardless of other stuff you have going on at the time (even if I wasn't busy with work etc I wouldn't be up for babysitting a relative for a week!).
Seems like an odd situation all round, does she work or does she just mope around various relatives like a victorian spinster?

JofraArchersFastestBall · 13/10/2023 07:16

It sounds as if your SIL is unwell and both she and your MIL could do with some help and compassion.

Living with a loved one who is struggling can be extremely stressful and all consuming. Sounds like your MIL needed help and wanted your husband to step up for his family a bit.

I understand that you're having a stressful time with work/finances but it sounds like your husband's family have been struggling for a long time and some empathy and understanding from you and especially from your DH wouldn't go amiss.

Shadesofmediocrity · 13/10/2023 07:20

I think you're being very unsympathetic to her, her life has fallen apart, she's getting divorced and having to move house and is clearly depressed.

Whereas your apparently extreme problems are that you're having to sell your second home and your husband is making other people redundant. Sorry neither of those things make me want to cry a river for you.

QueenofTerrasen · 13/10/2023 07:20

So you're allowed to be having an awful time, but she isn't? This is very "I don't know what she has to complain about, we have it so much worse".
You're both grown ups. This weird attention seeking for who's life is more terrible is unnecessary.

violetcuriosity · 13/10/2023 07:21

Sorry to be blunt but your situations are transitory- once they're over you'll be able to get back on track (I do hope things improve soon though, both very stressful circumstances). Your SIL is suffering from severe mental health issues which are clearly consuming your MIL, she is probably worrying about suicide. Your situations are not the same.

QueenofTerrasen · 13/10/2023 07:23

Also - your "great stress" is selling a second home, and your husband having to make people redundant. You're in an incredibly fortunate situation, and tbh it sounds like you need more of a shake than she does. She's quite clearly having a mental health crisis, and you are whining about the most privileged drivel on a forum whilst condemning her.
Read this back op, and try some empathy.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 13/10/2023 07:34

Wow. Self-absorbed much, OP?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 13/10/2023 07:36

*treatment

Original poster
elsieandthepooch · 13/10/2023 08:00

Not self-absorbed at all. I'm also undergoing cancer stuff so whilst not a competition of who has the worst life, sometimes all I'm saying is some empathy towards us would go a long way.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 13/10/2023 08:06

That was quite the drip feed.

I still think that giving someone with severe depression "a good shake" is rather heartless. It sounds like she needs professional help, not being passed from pillar to post.

Original poster
elsieandthepooch · 13/10/2023 08:09

I give up!

OP posts:
NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 13/10/2023 08:17

She sounds like the golden child. I would tell MIL that SIL needs to toughen up too.

margotrose · 13/10/2023 08:18

Blimey, talk about drip-feeding.

Anyway, misery and stress doesn't have to be a competition. You can both be struggling for different but equally legitimate reasons.

BoohooWoohoo · 13/10/2023 08:19

Yanbu to want some support and sympathy but I'm assuming that your ILs have always treated their children differently so it was expected that they would fuss over their dd but think that your h should man up. If it's always been like that then they were obviously never going to be a source of support for you and your h.
It is strange that your h resents his parents fussing over SIL but contributes to the inequality by having SIL stay so that the ILs get respite and SIL gets support. It's not SIL fault that her parents support her in a way that keeps her stuck in the same emotional state for years. Giving her a good shake would not help her depression.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 13/10/2023 08:36

margotrose · 13/10/2023 08:18

Blimey, talk about drip-feeding.

Anyway, misery and stress doesn't have to be a competition. You can both be struggling for different but equally legitimate reasons.

Exactly. My DSIL has had her fair share of struggles over the last 12 months. We also have a few stresses but I make time to talk to DSIL and see her.

LuisVitton · 13/10/2023 08:47

I wonder if you are more upset about SIL than DH - I suspect he is more concerned with the business and may not have noticed SIL's tragic behaviour.

Perhaps you felt it was a bit 'the last straw' from MIL but DH isn't so bothered.

MuggleMe · 13/10/2023 08:57

It's mil that needs a shake. It's not a race to the bottom. Sounds like sil is genuinely struggling even if the divorce was 4 years ago.

hevs03 · 13/10/2023 09:06

Don't 'give up' OP, take the feedback from this thread and act accordingly, yes you are going through a stressful time as is your husband but you will get through it and I really hope your cancer issue is of course sorted too. Why not help your SIL, a text message could go a long way and make her feel that someone cares. Why not put yourself in her shoes, imagine what it would be like for you if you and your husband separated and you had to move house, would you not be sad, down or depressed? Empathy goes a long way and if you and your husband are to have a long and happy marriage, you will be around his family even on the odd occasion and would it not be better to get along then harbour a grudge ?

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