To want to give SIL a good shake!

[elsieandthepooch]

DH and I are having a very stressful time at the moment.

DH is having to make redundancies at his place of work. I have a very stressful flat sale going through at the moment, which is impacting on us hugely financially as we are paying out 2x mortgages, Council Tax etc.

Things are not great. We are both hardly sleeping with the worry and stress of everything.

SIL's ex-husband asked for a divorce over 4 years ago. She has been living with in-laws for the past 3.5 years and has just moved into a new house. Things are not going well. She is depressed about everything. During the summer, MIL shipped her down to us (we live hours away) to come and stay for the week. It was meant to have been a bit of a holiday, but what we weren't told that she was coming down for support.

Due to what we had going on, support was the last things on our minds as we had and continue to have our own problems. She was, to be blunt, weird the week she stayed with us. She was very awkward to be around, would leave a room because she didn't have the confidence to sit in it with us, and generally said some very odd things. I found being with her very uncomfortable.

After she had gone, we had a call from MIL to say that SIL had gone home upset because we had not offered the support she had needed. I wasn't aware that we were a counselling retreat! Last weekend, SIL was taken away for the weekend with extended family because she was having a difficult time. DH telephoned MIL over that weekend for a catch up and we were both told we just needed to toughen up and get on with things. This was a red rag to a bull and really annoyed me.

It feels, at times, that DH and I are not allowed to "feel anything" and if we do, it is insignificant and nobody wants to listen to us. I am not bothered about my situation so much with them, but it angers me so much that DH is often told to "toughen up" when they're pandering constantly to his sister over a relationship that broke down 4 flipping years ago.

I want to say something, but not sure it is my place. Do we just keep our distance? I've already told DH that after this year's visit, I am not comfortable having SIL back here to stay again, but that has caused problems with them. Any advice.?

Very weird replies on this thread.

Try and ignore the madness and focus on yourselves.

I remember that thread op. Be unavailable for guests.. Be less available on the phone. Keep calls short and breezy. Any moaning cut the call short... Keep reminding mil you aren't a qualified therapist..

Sorry you're having a bit of a kicking in here OP.

Hopefully the problems you are all having will be resolved before too long, that your own health worries lessen and you all come out stronger at the end of the tunnel. 🌹

Don't give up OP, there are a few voices of reason amongst the #BeKind brigade.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep your sil warm!!

Keep your opinions to yourself and keep your sister-in-law firmly at arm's length if you don't want to be around her. You are under no obligation to be her therapist. Your mother-in-law doesn't have to like your decision.

You don't have to suck it all up but your MIL seems like the one stirring things up rather than SIL. Your sister-in-law feels however she feels, it' not for you to judge the impact or how long shes been divorced etc. You sound like you have a lot going on yourselves (however what you've described are immediate and fairly short term stressors, where she may feel the trajectory of her life has massively changed). It's up to you to hold boundaries as to what you can/cannot provide in terms of support but might be worth a bit of self reflection on the situation too.

Your SIL sounds unwell. Whilst it’s nice to be supportive, it sounds like she needs some professional help rather than random weekends with relatives.

It’s perfectly fine to say you don’t want her staying again if the last visit didn’t go well. It also sounds unfortunate that your MIL doesn’t have a lot of support for your DH while he is having a difficult time.

If you don’t want to have much to do with them going forward that’s fine. It’s harder if you have children, but ultimately your DH can continue to see them whenever he wants but you will make alternative plans for yourself.

I think maybe you don’t understand what mentally ill is vs. Highly stressed and miserable. It sounds like you are the later and SIL is the former. That’s really hard for both of you and absolutely you and your DH in that context are not the right people to provide attention and support to SIL. Sometimes unfortunately everyone is on their knees. And clearly MIL doesn’t realise that you guys are too.

I think what I would try to do is make sure everyone understands that you have sympathy for SIL and get that she is unwell and needs help but also explain that you and DH are limited in what you can cope with on top of everything else right now. I’d maybe try to send SIL weekly messages of support, just checking in and indicating some love and support, without getting tied into visits or meet ups at this point.

Just saw the drip feed after I had commented 🙄 therefore my comment does not relate to your cancer treatment OP. Have a think about whether you are being irked because you could be making the assumption that SIL is 'wallowing' and 'choosing to be miserable/unwell' and comparing it to your own ill health? However, depression is also not a choice. It sounds like she needs additional professional support but also to spend time with people she can be around and relax, that don't expect a pretence/false positivity.

Why is your anger directed at SIL..........it seems misplaced.

Leave MIL to it and focus on your and DH issues.

I agree OP should not say anything - it is DHs to sort with his family. But OP is not unreasonable to not want to do this level of support for someone who sounds exhausting to be around and who is, after 4 years, clearly not taking any responsibility for moving on with her life. Just because SIL has needs, does not mean OP does not, or that she should have to pander to SIL needs when she does not have the capacity.

OP I see this a lot in families - one is the fragile one, and another is the one who copes - it is massively unfair on the coper as their feelings are almost never taken into account. Don' do anything you dont want to. And make that clear to your DH. Someone not feeling comfortable enough to sit in the room with you is very extreme - this woman needs help. From professionals.

MIL should have been straight with you about the reason for the visit and SIL's state of mind. But she must be worried sick if SIL's mental health is as bad as it seems. MIL is the one living with her every day and it's a huge emotional burden for a parent.

Yes, you weren't in a position to support her, especially as you weren't prepared for her mental state. But while you're saying you want some empathy shown for your stress, you're showing absolutely none for a mentally ill woman and the mother who's at her wits end living with her and worrying about her.

A good shake? Really?

Do t have her back agin. 'I'm sorry after you told us off last time, we're clearly not equipped to deal with her issues. Our own issues are overwhelming us without any family support and being told to 'toughen up' was the last straw for us. I find it hard to believe x has ever, over the last 4 years, been told to toughen up. If you don't hear from us for a while it's because we're toughening up dealing with our issues of redundancies, house sales, and cancer. We'll let you know when we're over it all'