How do you handle your interfering MILs?

[Babyblankets]

This isn’t a MIL bashing post to bitch about them, I usually have a great relationship with my MIL but I’m looking for advice and stories about your experiences.

MIL is always telling us what we can and can’t do. Sometimes DP tells her to stop but other times he nods and agrees for a quiet life. I’ve told him countless times to tell her it’s none of her business but he doesn’t like to as she has a long term illness and he’s understandably worried he could lose her any time.

Examples are: telling us what furniture we HAVE to buy, telling us what she wants to throw away from our house, all the way to bigger comments like telling us how many children we’re allowed and what job she wants me to do after maternity leave.

I tend to ignore people giving their opinion on things but for some reason these comments have really got my back up. I want to tell her to stop judging and controlling us and let us enjoy our life our way, but I know it will cause a fall out and I’ll be the bad guy.

It’s all well just smiling and saying thanks for the advice, but I don’t want to hear it at all. Some of her comments have really upset me, there’s one in particular that makes me cry when I think about it. DP just tries to brush it all under the carpet.

Is it harsh of me to issue an ultimatum that he tells her it needs to stop or I (we?) will not visit anymore? I don’t want to control him or how he handles it but I’m not willing to put myself and my children at the front line of these comments any longer.

How do you deal with your MIL like this? Have you found a way to be civil when it’s soured the relationship?

Just put her in an information diet and then ignore her . You don't have to do anything she says . If she insists you do then it's time to put her firmly in her place and your husband should show a united front with you on this .

Not my MIL but mother of a long term partner I had lived with and it was intrusive comments about everything - my body, our sex life, everything in our lives. I told him either he got her to stop, or I would. And i wouldn't be as nice about it as he would. So someone would be saying something and he had the choice for it to be her son whom she loved unconditionally and would forgive if he murdered someone, or his partner who could do no right. If he wanted me to nuke that bridge and deal with the aftermath i was more than willing.

Guess what, he stood up to her and it stopped.

If anyone, MIL or not, was making those kind of comments on a regular basis then I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms to fuck off.
Maybe suggest this to husband that either he can have to conversation with her to mind her own business or that you will.

She sounds insane - and like she's never heard of the concept of personal boundaries.

Did he grow up like that, with her telling him every little thing that he had to/couldn't do - never being allowed any independent (age-appropriate) decisions or preferences?

Has she given or loaned you a significant amount of money at any stage? Does she think that she's effectively 'bought' you both and thus now has a major say in the minutiae of how you run your lives?

I like this approach!

Does your DH know about the comment that makes you cry? If he doesn't then tell him and how it makes you feel and ask him why you should have to worry every time you see her that she will say something like that. If he won't tell her calmly to stop then next time she makes a comment you can't be responsible for what come out of your mouth.

She sounds very tiresome - I'd opt out of any relationship with her, go out for the day when she visits (assuming your husband gets it together to entertain without your in-put) and leave him to visit on his own.
Otherwise, she wants to get your rid of your sofa ... Yes, MIL, we'll be dumping your sideboard as soon as you're dead.Tinkly Mumsnet laugh optional, I'm not sure how to do one!
And of course you've always hoped for a big family, six children, maybe more - that'll rattle her.
AS for work after maternity leave, going on the game would fit in with school holidays and a work-life balance.

Next time she tells you what she thinks you need to throw away, gratefully thank her for her kindness in helping you to clear valuable space by causing you to understand what unnecessary things are just cluttering up the place, without having any use or bringing any joy to your lives.

FFS, op, stop being such a doormat in your own life.

Tell your mother-in-law to keep her opinions to herself.

Married my DH and within the first 6 months she was interfering in our lives and shit stirring. So me & my DH decided we weren't putting up with it. Long story short we haven't seen or spoken to her since . Absolute bliss .

your dh isn't going to step up to this plate. But that is no reason you should have to tolerate this.

When she gives you her opinion either say "why on earth would you think I would do what you suggest - I'm an adult woman running my own life" or simply leave the room.

And don't go and visit her - dh can go. tell him you aren't going with him because his mother treats you horribly.

On a basic level though with regard to your marriage, you need to ensure your husband is more worried about how you will react than how his mother will react. Dh was like this from day 1. He loves his mum and is very good to her (and I adore her and am also "good" to her - she has been very good to me too. but the reality for Dh is I am his life and his future. No way would he upset me for something unreasonable and expect me to suck it up. He showed me that when we were dating when his dad made a very unreasonable demand of him that would have meant instead of me waiting 2 hours for him to pick me up as arranged (unavoidable work) I would have waited 2 more hours. He said no.

I like this approach and it has the benefit of being more mature and sane that what I would do, which is scream like a banshee every time she offered an unwanted opinion.

Tell your DH exactly what your going nuclear would look like: banshee? Shouting “For FUCK’S sake you interfering old HANDBAG, fermez votre PIEHOLE”? Refusing contact?

In the meantime, remove yourself from any group chats, block her number, don’t accompany him on any visits and be out when she visits you. Minimise the interactions you have with her.

Sorry you have to go through this. I've experienced this with my own mother.

I witnessed firsthand what she did with my brother and his partner. He hated conflict and nearly always caved into my mother's demands and rarely stood up to her. His partner lost respect for him and they eventually split up. I've always thought a big contributing factor was her meddling. I tried to step in when I could to stop her but I was not always made aware of her unreasonable demands.

I am more confrontational than my brother so when I started seeing my partner, I did not tell her about him until a year into being together. I also quickly shut down any negative insinuations she started making as I'd seen her do the same thing with my brother's partner - suspecting her of being a gold digger, taking advantage of him, etc (unfounded malicious accusations as she was much wealthier). I also told her there was a reason why she didn't know until a year later about my now DH - hinting at her meddling and unhelpful comments. I established a boundary from the beginning and made sure to keep this in check throughout the years.

Whenever she stepped out of line, I would quickly snap at her and tell her why. The only way she would learn is when I go hard and explain why I went hard. She became afraid to cross the line after a while because if she still didn't get it, I would 'punish' her by not talking to her or visiting her or letting her visit the grandkids. Consistency is key because my brother would stick up for himself then become lenient and her bad habits would flare up again.

With regards to the illness, I'd say it's like the emotional blackmail she always employed. She would constantly hold things over my head like how she nearly died giving birth, how tough it was to raise us in poverty, etc as if any of that should give her a free pass to say and do anything she wants. I no longer tolerated this and told her I'd rather I was never born if she felt like this gave her power to control my life as it's not worth living. The hyperbolism drove home the point because it mirrored how extreme she was being and hence unreasonable.

If she wants to stay in your lives, she needs to be the one to make an effort to be pleasant as it's not a 'right' just because she's family. Family members can be cut and should be if they are toxic. Being family doesn't give you a free pass to being a-holes.

Luckily my partner and I see eye to eye on this. Your partner needs to understand this and present a united front. Toxic MILs can destroy families and quality of life so it's not unreasonable to nip this in the bud.

What is the one in particular? She's crossing lines all over the place but if one has been so bad that it's still hurting you then you and DP need to take action. This situation is not okay and he's allowing it. It's high time he stood up for you. If he won't then you will have to seriously put her in her place. Make it absolutely clear and get it all out on the table. If he can't be man enough to support what you've already been dealing with then he can suck up the consequences of you taking her fully to task. And he'll have to accept your opinion of him from that point.
No one gets to walk all over you. You do not owe anyone that. You can fix this yourself with making a big stand for yourself and refusing to accept anymore bullshit afterwards. Then he has to mop up. Hopefully with his own toothbrush

Thanks everyone, some great tips here. Millybob and fatherjack you’ve both had me laughing.

She’s never loaned or bought us anything. She was the same in his childhood, always telling him what to do and what he needs to do better etc. even as a teenager and young adult he was told get a girlfriend or you’ll be alone to then be told they don’t like her so he has to end it etc. he’s never not been controlled by her. His father divorced her over it.

I’d love to never see her again but we have a baby who is breastfed so when she wants to see her I sadly have to be present. She doesn’t visit our house because of her illness making it difficult for her to go out.

if dp stood up to her then I wouldn’t let it bother me so much but he’s never told her no in his life so it’s unlikely he’d start now. I never expected at 35 that I would be controlled so heavily. I’d never listen or do what she asks but knowing she expects things of me without permission makes me want to run far away.

She told me what contraception she wants me to use after our youngest was born, told me having babies isn’t tiring so she expects I should pander to dp after a long day at work and cook him a meal from scratch, and has recently shrink wrapped her old bed and dining table to put in the garage for us to have ‘because we need new ones’ (ours are brand new and I wouldn’t want her stuff even if they weren’t). Just a few more examples of her obsession with dictating how we live. We had a good relationship for the first few years and she wasn’t like this then, now I feel like Im starting to hate her.

Can you bay it back to her? If she tells you to do something, look confused and ask 'why on earth would I do that?'and walk off shaking your head. As a precursor to having a more sharp word?

Disengage. No need to be rude (at this point). Smile benignly and say, "Thanks mil but we've got this." Or "nope. Not happening but thanks."
Or, re: contraception, "am I hearing this right? Am struggling, hearing advice about my sex life from dh's mother."
If she persists, take it up a notch and say, "Look mil. I'm very fond of you and it's important we keep a good relationship going but you're going to have to stop with the unwanted advice or it will spoil things." And then when she can't help herself but continue, each and every time she pipes up, remind her. "Mil! Remember what we agreed?"

You need to make it clear to him that he can stand up to her, or you will, and he might find himself on his own.

She told me what contraception she wants me to use after our youngest was born

This has left me open-mouthed. I can't even begin to think how she would think this has anything whatsoever to do with her - and how she would start a conversation about this. It would be deeply embarrassing enough if you were both teenagers who clearly needed guidance on the matter; but when that's obviously not the case, just why?! It's the equivalent of you telling her what meals you want her to have or what kind of shoes you want her to be wearing.

Plus, if she thinks that having and looking after babies is so easy, why would it matter (to her) if you ended up having 20 of them anyway?!

I also don't get why she thinks you 'need' new items of furniture, so she's 'solved' the 'problem' by keeping second-hand ones to replace the brand new ones that you actually have. Bonkers.

I know it's a regular MN trope, but I seriously would openly and vocally explore the dementia route. If she does have it, you can help her to get the diagnosis and treatment that she needs; if she doesn't, it might just give her a long pause for thought when you keep talking about it - because she's behaving in such illogical and boundary-less ways that are strongly leading you to suspect it.

The very last time I contacted mil was nearly 9 years ago. To tell her to keep her nose out of our business.. Been blocked ever since.. Dh was on his way back from her home.. He has been nc since also. Is dh absolutely sure she is ill?

YANBU of course, she doesn't get to choose furniture etc. But I wonder, if she's changed of late, whether there's something else at play? Could it be early stages of dementia for example because wrapping up your old furniture for you to have seems a bit odd IMHO.
It just seems to be that if she was OK before but now wierd then something else may have affected her.
Otherwise I'd just shut it down clearly and firmly, and your DH needs to as well. For example:
"thanks for offering the bed but we won't be needing that"
"No thank you, we don't need that"
"I understand you have a view but I'll be taking my GP advice on contraception"
"I don't want to discuss this with you now"

Just keep repeating same sentence even when she objects, no matter what she says, just repeat your original sentence that shuts it down. It is tiring but they get the message. DP needs to do the same.

Is dh absolutely sure she is ill?

Of course, there's every chance that she genuinely is; BUT completely fabricating this would be classic behaviour that would go perfectly hand-in-hand with her other controlling ways.

She is unwell, dp accompanies her to appointments as she has mobility issues and needs help walking. She does hugely exaggerate it though so her son’s rush to her at a whim.

I didn’t think of the dementia possibility, although she is only 62, is it possible at her age?

When she asked us if we wanted her old bed we said no thank you as we’d ordered a new one the day before, she ignored us and said she’ll save it anyway. She has no awareness of replies, and continues to do as she pleases. She will now badger us monthly asking when we want the bed delivered, despite saying no she will insist. It makes me want to scream profanities at her and smash up the bloody bed. Extreme, but I’m slowly losing the will to live with her comments on my shoulders.

She once asked dp for his bank details as she’d found a nice kettle that would suit our kitchen 😂

Everyone would be very offended if I told her to stop it and leave us alone, she’s essentially the ‘manager’ of the family and anyone who speaks back will be punished accordingly. The only person I can speak to about it for support is FIL as he was in the firing line for 40 years, but as they’re now divorced he can’t get involved.

Why do MIL’s turn this way? do they even realised but don’t care or are they unaware these comments are controlling and unwanted?

@Babyblankets 62 is young but not unheard of for dementia. I have no clue but just saying her not hearing you and focusing on something obsessively like the bed is pretty classic. My bf mum has early dementia and she just obsesses over random stuff and constantly calls about it e.g where is xxx or you need to take this furniture item (which he also doesn't want!). She is much older though.

The only thing he can do is constantly repeat the same thing. "Very kind but no I don't need the bed" and later/next day "Yes you mentioned but we don't need the bed" over and over. It's quite exhausting !

Contraception - I'm a grown woman MIL, I'll be making my own decisions re contraception

Furniture - no point shrink wrapping the stuff MIL, we've bought new and will be replacing it with a style we like, and I don't like yours, so you might as well throw it out

Your dp and meals - DP is a grown man and can make his own meals if he wants to, I won't be pandering to him, we're a team and put in 50/50

Or if you simply can't be arsed / can't think of a response - I don't see what business it is of yours MIL, please keep your opinions to yourself

It’s very hard when someone tries to control you this way. I have done the ‘that’s a kind offer, but no thanks’ approach and ‘we’ve got that covered so don’t worry about it’ approach - it sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t. When we had items of furniture pushed on us that we didn’t want and had said no to, we put them outside for the scrap metal people to take. That stopped them trying to force us to have their old crap. We are NC with them now. I think in the end only LC/NC works with these types of people. It’s one thing if they are trying to help, but it sounds more like your in-laws are controlling and are making sure you get the message MIL is in charge, not you. It’s very damaging. In your case it’s not helped by the fact your MIL is using her health to control her son. I would definitely stop giving them facts and information to work with as a starting point.