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Original poster

How do you handle your interfering MILs?

32 replies

Babyblankets · 09/10/2023 23:40

This isn’t a MIL bashing post to bitch about them, I usually have a great relationship with my MIL but I’m looking for advice and stories about your experiences.

MIL is always telling us what we can and can’t do. Sometimes DP tells her to stop but other times he nods and agrees for a quiet life. I’ve told him countless times to tell her it’s none of her business but he doesn’t like to as she has a long term illness and he’s understandably worried he could lose her any time.

Examples are: telling us what furniture we HAVE to buy, telling us what she wants to throw away from our house, all the way to bigger comments like telling us how many children we’re allowed and what job she wants me to do after maternity leave.

I tend to ignore people giving their opinion on things but for some reason these comments have really got my back up. I want to tell her to stop judging and controlling us and let us enjoy our life our way, but I know it will cause a fall out and I’ll be the bad guy.

It’s all well just smiling and saying thanks for the advice, but I don’t want to hear it at all. Some of her comments have really upset me, there’s one in particular that makes me cry when I think about it. DP just tries to brush it all under the carpet.

Is it harsh of me to issue an ultimatum that he tells her it needs to stop or I (we?) will not visit anymore? I don’t want to control him or how he handles it but I’m not willing to put myself and my children at the front line of these comments any longer.

How do you deal with your MIL like this? Have you found a way to be civil when it’s soured the relationship?

OP posts:

SquirrelFeeder · 10/10/2023 12:29

schmoomoo · 10/10/2023 01:32

Sorry you have to go through this. I've experienced this with my own mother.

I witnessed firsthand what she did with my brother and his partner. He hated conflict and nearly always caved into my mother's demands and rarely stood up to her. His partner lost respect for him and they eventually split up. I've always thought a big contributing factor was her meddling. I tried to step in when I could to stop her but I was not always made aware of her unreasonable demands.

I am more confrontational than my brother so when I started seeing my partner, I did not tell her about him until a year into being together. I also quickly shut down any negative insinuations she started making as I'd seen her do the same thing with my brother's partner - suspecting her of being a gold digger, taking advantage of him, etc (unfounded malicious accusations as she was much wealthier). I also told her there was a reason why she didn't know until a year later about my now DH - hinting at her meddling and unhelpful comments. I established a boundary from the beginning and made sure to keep this in check throughout the years.

Whenever she stepped out of line, I would quickly snap at her and tell her why. The only way she would learn is when I go hard and explain why I went hard. She became afraid to cross the line after a while because if she still didn't get it, I would 'punish' her by not talking to her or visiting her or letting her visit the grandkids. Consistency is key because my brother would stick up for himself then become lenient and her bad habits would flare up again.

With regards to the illness, I'd say it's like the emotional blackmail she always employed. She would constantly hold things over my head like how she nearly died giving birth, how tough it was to raise us in poverty, etc as if any of that should give her a free pass to say and do anything she wants. I no longer tolerated this and told her I'd rather I was never born if she felt like this gave her power to control my life as it's not worth living. The hyperbolism drove home the point because it mirrored how extreme she was being and hence unreasonable.

If she wants to stay in your lives, she needs to be the one to make an effort to be pleasant as it's not a 'right' just because she's family. Family members can be cut and should be if they are toxic. Being family doesn't give you a free pass to being a-holes.

Luckily my partner and I see eye to eye on this. Your partner needs to understand this and present a united front. Toxic MILs can destroy families and quality of life so it's not unreasonable to nip this in the bud.

I would 'punish' her by not talking to her or visiting her or letting her visit the grandkids

This appalling behaviour. Using your children as weapons, wow

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 10/10/2023 12:31

When she asked us if we wanted her old bed we said no thank you as we’d ordered a new one the day before, she ignored us and said she’ll save it anyway. She has no awareness of replies, and continues to do as she pleases. She will now badger us monthly asking when we want the bed delivered

That does sound like either full-blown narcissism or dementia - definitely not the behaviour of a well, rational person.

Is that a further element of the controlling - not just wanting to decide what furniture you have, but making it clear that her old stuff that is no longer good enough for her (as she's replaced it) is exactly what you should have/deserve?

stayathomer · 10/10/2023 12:33

I’ve just learned to be friends with her tbh- if you chat/agree/ disagree as opposed to be ready to argue/ not listen then life is just easier! Plus I’ve learned the old adage that ‘he marries his mother’ is quite true and someday no matter what we say- we’ll do the same (I’m 43 and I’ve started saying stuff dm and dmil said that I NEVER thpught I’d do!!!!)

SquirrelFeeder · 10/10/2023 12:39

@Babyblankets Very sadly & tragically, I know a child who got Dementia at 6 years old. Very rare but goes to show you can get it at any age, unfortunately 💔

spitefulandbadgrammar · 10/10/2023 12:44

She told me what contraception she wants me to use after our youngest was born
That’s the point at which you’re allowed to stop being polite for social convention, which she’s merrily ignoring anyway, and you’re allowed to shout “Are you FUCKING INSANE.”

Stop even being polite.

schmoomoo · 10/10/2023 13:59

SquirrelFeeder · 10/10/2023 12:29

I would 'punish' her by not talking to her or visiting her or letting her visit the grandkids

This appalling behaviour. Using your children as weapons, wow

Show quote history

It's not because it's simply drawing the line and heading towards a very natural conclusion - if she's being toxic, why would you want your kids to be exposed to this? How does her behaviour benefit your children and your family as a whole? A lot of people think words are enough but actions speak louder and with people who behave this extreme, sometimes this is the only way to get through to them. If they change their ways and demonstrate this, there's no reason to ever have to go this far and hopefully she realises this.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 10/10/2023 14:02

That’s the point at which you’re allowed to stop being polite for social convention, which she’s merrily ignoring anyway, and you’re allowed to shout “Are you FUCKING INSANE.”

Stop even being polite.

It would be as awkward as firing up the LoveHoney website in front of her and going through all the 'marital aids', asking her in detail which ones she prefers and why <boak>

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