To ask for some motherly advice as I don't have a mum.

[PieceOfRose]

Hello, I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps tonight and stuck in a rut, and i'd normally talk to my mum about these things but unfortunately I can't anymore.

I just feel a bit of a failure, I'm not sure why exactly. I'm almost 30 and I've just had to move out of my lovely flat into a house share as I can no longer afford the rent/bills despite living in a midlands town and earning 30k. I really thought I'd be able to save a deposit on a little house or flat by now but each time something happens I have to take from my savings.

I became single 4 years ago and I haven't met anyone since. Before Covid, I was in a long term relationship and we split up, my ex kept coming back and then leaving again which has knocked my confidence. I was pretty much used for sex between his 'actual' girlfriends. I do go on dating apps, and I'm on a couple but the majority of guys I swipe who seem nice either ghost or are sexual way too quickly (first couple of messages).

I also recently started a new job that is 100% WFH. I left a job i'd been at 4 years for the new position and I thought it was what I wanted (Slight promotion) but now I spend nearly all week alone in my flat and then see friends on the weekends. I do message friends during the day but I can go quite often 5/6 days without seeing another human.

I'd love to have children but was recently diagnosed with PCOS and have periods only once every 6 months or so, and in the past 6 months I've gone from a size 12 to 18. My doctor thinks the rapid weight gain may be PCOS related or insulin resistance. I'm currently dieting and starting saxenda injections this week.

I guess, I'm just sad that my life isn't where I expected it to be. I'm also finding myself jealous of friends who are meeting someone at work or out and about, I'm the last of my friendship group who isn't married/engaged/with child so that feels a bit of a kicker.

I'm guessing I'm looking at advice on how to shake off the rut?

The work seems easiest to fix. I'd look for something else office based straightaway. If you've been in the previous job four years then having one short term thing (current role) won't be an issue.

Aww you poor thing. This all sounds really tough. I could say all the usual things, get yourself a hobby, find a job that’s in the office etc, but I’m a mum and all I want to do is give you a big hug and tell you this too shall pass. Sounds like you’re a lovely person, and you’re still so young, things will improve.🌻

You work entirely from home?

Right, that means you can live anywhere in the UK.

Go and live somewhere different, a Scottish Island? A houseboat in London? Look up the landmark trust for ideas.

When you get the new place, join lots of stuff and see what happens. If it doesn't work out after six months or a year, move again.

Ah, please don't feel sad. You sound lovely, you're definitely not any kind of failure at all.

My best advice for 100% home working is to do a "fake commute" before and after work if you can - so allow time for a short walk nearby. Maybe try to find a few different routes. And then also take a proper lunch break and go somewhere out of the house, no idea what's around you but I'd explore as many free to get into places as I could find. Take a packed lunch so it doesn't need to cost anything.

And yes, longer term, look for a job with at least some office based element to it.

Oh love. Missing your mum in amongst all your other thoughts & feelings is tough. I know how it is to miss your mum. Sending hugs.

Firstly, be proud of having a successful career.& holding your own in life. You've done so well. The boyfriend wasn't good enough for you by a long way. You want someone who treasures you for you. It's his loss.

The WFH won't be helping getting out & meeting people. Have you considered a weekday hobby/ interest? A choir/ walking group/ board game cafe/ weekly quiz with friends/ cooking class/ pottery? Whatever. It'll be something to look forward to & you may need new friends that might lead to meeting other new people/ possible partners. It might not, but it would be fun.

On a side note, I met all but one of my long term partners ( Inc ExH & DH) on a night out when i wasn't looking. Online dating is all well & good, but in the flesh meeting people is under-rated.

You’re not even 30 yet and you sound like you’re working hard on a career that could be very successful! I got very depressed WFH 100% so I would prioritise changing that and getting back into the office. Unless you’re really committed to exercise, wfh is also very sedentary compared to commuting and getting out into the world every day, so the lack of movement in your day would probably be affecting your mood too. I’m sorry about your mum. Hang in there things will be brighter soon xx

You’ve had several blows and setbacks and it’s very natural that you feel down.

Often these very difficult times can be a crucible for positive change.

The first one (weight) is ahead of you with starting Saxenda. Once you’re on an upward path you may find other things start to improve too.

In the meantime I think small moves to make the best of every day (affirmations, gratitude journal, small treats and mood boosters for example) may help you get past this difficult time. Also, do try to make sure you have human connection in real life as loneliness is a real downer. If deeper connections like friends or colleagues are not available to you, just get out and have a coffee in town, join a gym class, try to do things in the company of other people.

This is brilliant advice. Do it!

Being 30 and living alone is expensive, please don't be to hard on yourself because of this The cost of living these days is beyond words.
You're doing the best you can.
Also look for another job, being that long without any human interaction is no good for your mental health! Just a suggestion, can't you go for a quick walk before work or after? Fresh air can work wonders!
I too have pcos, I just wanted to write to tell you the first thing doctors say is that you won't ever conceive naturally. (I really feel they need to stop telling women this) I have a 6 year old to prove otherwise along with many other women that were told the same thing.
Dieting and exercise did help, but easier said than done sometimes.
Just set yourself one target a day that's something for YOU and that's going to make you feel good. Wether that be, washing your hair, taking a walk, reading a book.

One day at a time girl, everything will pan out.
Big hugs 🥰

You’re doing the right things, seeing your dr and asking for what you need here. So you’re clearly a very sensible person.

What brings you joy? Can you do more of that?

Do you get outside every day, move your body? Join some sporty things. A walking/cycling/running club and/or park run and/or a yoga/Zumba/whatever you enjoy class. The endorphins will help and you need more human interaction.

Make a plan to change jobs to one with more in-person/in-office time.

Join pcos groups on Facebook/wherever and get as much support and expertise on this as you can.

Dating: meet anyone you do like quickly and only for a quick daytime coffee. Have a sporting thing in a group or something else nice to go to afterwards.

Courage, ma brave! Life is long, and often hard. Better times will come x

You’re doing great. Honestly. Making a few changes as you’re doing could turn things around for you quite quickly.

Thank you all so much. I know Mumsnet gets stick sometimes but it can also feel like a warm hug when you need it most.

Similarly to Beetyaxe, I'd give you a big hug. You sound as if you're doing all the right things, and trying so hard and it's so frustrating your efforts aren't paying off yet.

Everyone goes through stages like this, as the truth is that life never turns out as you expect, and that means you need a bit of time to recharge and recalibrate before you know how to adjust your direction.

It sounds like you've already started working on yourself, so those changes will come. Could you make yourself go out for a short walk everyday at lunchtime? Just to explore what's nearby in your new place, get some fresh air and some newness.

Don't forget as well that those new partners of your friends come with their own friends/family, and those pools might have a potential person for you, so do keep in touch with your friends.

Keep going- better days will come, and I'm so sorry you feel like this and can't chat it through with your mum.

Gosh that's a lot of things for you to have going round in your head when you are on your own a lot of the time.

I have a few shitty things going on and the way I am trying to feel better is by tackling one thing that will then naturally improve something else, hopefully starting a snowball effect.

So in your situation I think I'd concentrate on connecting with people (in real life) during the week. Five days is a long time to go without seeing friends if you are already feeling low and isolated.

If there is time to go for a walk at lunch/after work where saying a hello won't feel weird and you can start to recognise people and extend the chat (eg a park popular with walkers/dogs, a library, a shop that specialises in an interest of yours, eg books, crafts, antiques etc). Not with a view to finding a man, just for nice human moments that could create new acquaintances.

It might sound tiny, but just having those small moments of connection could help to lift you enough to feel able to tackle something slightly bigger.

You sound like my dd a year ago.
She found a job in an office close to wear she lives. Being single and wfh was not for her. She also did dating apps with limited success but also widened her friendship group. She went to some local meet ups and said yes to every social gathering. She met her boyfriend through mutual friends and had previously been single for a fair time
So yes you can absolutely find the life you want.

I think it’s brilliant advice too.

There's a lot going on, but you're going into one of the best decades of your life. A lot will happen over the next ten years. We all have peaks and troughs and sometimes life can feel quite hopeless. But I absolutely guarantee to you that you have so many exciting adventures to look forward to - things that you probably couldn't even predict happening right now. By the time you get to your late thirties, you'll have a whole new level of confidence in who you are as a person and a plethora of experiences that have shaped you.

In the meantime, try and appreciate the things you do have. One of the best bits of advice I ever got was to be nostalgic for the time you're already in. Because one day you'll look back with envy on the things you have in your life now, or wish you could go back for one day just to experience it again.

Please look after yourself. If there's anything you've always wanted to do - learn a dance, take a language class, take up any hobby you've ever dreamed of, whatever it is, get in there and go for it! And don't forget to treat yourself as much as you can. You genuinely deserve all the happiness in the world.

🌺🌺🌺

If you work from home you could move to a cheaper part of the country and buy your own home. My son did this. He moved from West Midlands to Hull, taking a £7k pay cut but you can buy a 2 bedroom terraced house for £80k in Hull. You'd need a deposit but only about £5k and solicitors fees. You could let a room out to help with cost if you needed to. You are doing so well with your job and your Mum would be relieved you got away from nasty ex and would be proud of you.

Try and think about where you want to be and then break it into steps. Then focus on just getting that next step.

Can you start using your lunchtimes to fast walk for an hour? The endorphins and sunlight will help massively. Plot a route, headphones on, sit and have a packed lunch mid route maybe?

join a gym, weekend walking group, voluntary group, club? Ask on your local Facebook for local evening activity suggestions? Try and create new evening routines, meet new people both male and female

Sending a hug. You have everything ahead of you. Focus on a few things you enjoy and see if you can find a class or group with same interest. Avoid relationships of a sexual nature and build self esteem with some self help. Ask to be referred for therapy. If you can move to a community with more for you just do it. Sending Mum strength for you, it really is all ahead of you. 💐

Make one small change, something you can manage. When you've done that, feel proud of yourself and choose another small change. Like a short walk everyday. Or reading a good book for 15 minutes. Doing a bit of internet digging into a subject that interests you.

Working from home could also be contributing to weight gain. it's too sedentary and there are snacks to perk you up when you feel a bit bored and lonely. I would definitely look into a local weigh training/bootcamp session and go at least 3-4 times a week just before or after work. It will lft your mood. You'll meet people and it will tone you up and help you lose weight. Consider the time and money spent as equivalent to a commute.

Can you think of the flat share as a positive decision? Who wants to live alone and work alone? It would be too isolating. Better to have people around in the evenings to chat with.

As for meeting someone, maybe it would be better to meet a person in real life, if the OLD men are all too pushily sexual or ghosting. You could try a volunteering group. DS worked for a soup kitchen and made great friends there. Look for a charity or community group where the volunteers are quite young. Soup kitchens and anything eco related, maybe.

You could also put a deadline on working from home, and decide you'll only do it for another 6-12 months. Look for an office based job or ask your company if you can work in the office instead.

Lots of good advice on here. But also wanted to say don't give up hope on having kids with PCOS. Like you if would go 6 months between periods. But when I was ready I tracked my ovulation and used ovulation sticks to maximise my changes and ended up having a baby. So wanted to give you some hope on that front.