Has your life turned out better than expected?

WhatAreYouWaitingFor · 09/10/2023 12:43

I suffered with really poor self esteem and disordered eating throughout my teens abs early 20s. I was very unhappy.

If my teenaged self could see me now, she'd never believe it!

I have a happy marriage with my DH of 20 years. I have 2 wonderful children. I have a job I love, with a great work-life balance. I have healed my relationship with food and exercise.

Obviously there are still bumps and tricky times, but I'm generally so content with my life, in a way I would not have dreamed possible.

CornishClott · 09/10/2023 12:46

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 12:39

I have NC for this.
Was having a moment of gratitude yesterday. I'm an immigrant from a non-EU country. Arrived in the UK when I was 17 to study English for a year, fully intending to go back home. My tutor saw something in me that perhaps I didn't myself and suggested I apply to Oxbridge, which I did and got a place. My parents were delighted but in no way able to afford the non-EU student fees (tuition + accommodation was more than £25k per year back then, equivalent to around £50k now). But they were desperate to give me a chance so sold pretty much everything they had--home, car, garage and relocated to a tiny flat on the outskirt of the city.

By year 3 of Uni the money has run out almost completely. I worked every hour of every holiday (the college didn't allow term-time employment), but still there was not enough for living costs or tuition fees. I ended up begging my college to let me graduate without paying the last 2 terms fees, which thankfully they did. I started shoplifting food to survive and stealing money from the cash kitty of the club I was a treasurer of. At one particularly dark point I considered escorting, but thankfully it didn't come to that. The stress on my parents and me was just unimaginable.

Fast forward 20 years and I am now 40. I live in a beautiful European city, have a successful business, a wonderful husband who is my soul mate, 2 children, private schooling for the kids, lots of long haul / short haul travel, mortgage-free house in London, multiple six figure income, seven figure net-worth, great pensions. My children will graduate debt free and will have house deposits saved for them. We give generously to favourite charities and I can support my mum (sadly dad passed away). I will never again have to go hungry or wake up in the night wondering how I can possibly pay all my bills with no income.

Yesterday my car got driven into by a bin truck causing about 10k euro of damage. I was upset about it for about 2 minutes, before calling a garage to tow it away and fix it. Just made me think how much my life has changed for the better and if my 20 year old self knew this, she would have cried!

Anyone else has a happy story about how their life has changed for the better?

Honest answer O/P does money bring happiness. I know you had to work hard for it .

IHeartGeneHunt · 09/10/2023 12:49

I've mentioned it on other threads like this but when I was younger I was trafficked into prostitution by a much older man who I had thought was my boyfriend. I thought he would kill me- he tried, but I got away.
I ended up homeless, an addict, working on the streets, no hope of anything ever getting any better, my family had no idea what had happened to me (they still don't) and I didn't think I'd see 30.

In my 40s now and life isn't what it was meant to be, at all, but it's a fuck sight better than it could have been.

Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 12:50

WhatAreYouWaitingFor · 09/10/2023 12:43

I suffered with really poor self esteem and disordered eating throughout my teens abs early 20s. I was very unhappy.

If my teenaged self could see me now, she'd never believe it!

I have a happy marriage with my DH of 20 years. I have 2 wonderful children. I have a job I love, with a great work-life balance. I have healed my relationship with food and exercise.

Obviously there are still bumps and tricky times, but I'm generally so content with my life, in a way I would not have dreamed possible.

What a wonderful story, eating disorders can be so hard to overcome, you've done incredibly well

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Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 12:52

CornishClott · 09/10/2023 12:46

Honest answer O/P does money bring happiness. I know you had to work hard for it .

Show quote history

For me personally I'd say yes, for example, 2 years ago my mum needed an urgent operation and I just paid for it, got it done in the best hospital in her home country. That brought me happiness. A lot of problems can be fixed by having financial means and the impact on my mental health has been huge.

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Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 12:53

IHeartGeneHunt · 09/10/2023 12:49

I've mentioned it on other threads like this but when I was younger I was trafficked into prostitution by a much older man who I had thought was my boyfriend. I thought he would kill me- he tried, but I got away.
I ended up homeless, an addict, working on the streets, no hope of anything ever getting any better, my family had no idea what had happened to me (they still don't) and I didn't think I'd see 30.

In my 40s now and life isn't what it was meant to be, at all, but it's a fuck sight better than it could have been.

Wow you've been through so much, the best is yet to come for you I'm sure

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SunnyFrost · 09/10/2023 12:55

Trying not to be that person but honestly I was a bit 😳 about you stealing from the cash box. Great that your life turned around so much and you’re now swimming in money but you talk about that quite flippantly, I was a bit shocked reading it tbh. What if someone else got blamed for it? Incidents like disappearing cash can be absolutely awful in something like a small club. I’m sorry you felt so desperate that you did that.

My life has actually turned out much better than I would have ever hoped. But I had a very unhappy childhood with divorced parents and a mother who basically had a breakdown as a result, so the simple joy of a loving marriage and being able to give my kids a secure home life makes me feel like I’ve won the lottery. I constantly wonder what on earth I did to deserve the happy family unit I lacked when I was growing up. I have proper ‘pinch me’ moments on a regular basis over the most basic of normal things.

JamSandle · 09/10/2023 12:57

I had an awesome childhood and teen years. Adulthood has been a bit more catastrophic. Not really conventional so not sure what I expected!

Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 13:00

SunnyFrost · 09/10/2023 12:55

Trying not to be that person but honestly I was a bit 😳 about you stealing from the cash box. Great that your life turned around so much and you’re now swimming in money but you talk about that quite flippantly, I was a bit shocked reading it tbh. What if someone else got blamed for it? Incidents like disappearing cash can be absolutely awful in something like a small club. I’m sorry you felt so desperate that you did that.

My life has actually turned out much better than I would have ever hoped. But I had a very unhappy childhood with divorced parents and a mother who basically had a breakdown as a result, so the simple joy of a loving marriage and being able to give my kids a secure home life makes me feel like I’ve won the lottery. I constantly wonder what on earth I did to deserve the happy family unit I lacked when I was growing up. I have proper ‘pinch me’ moments on a regular basis over the most basic of normal things.

Not at all proud of stealing or trying to excuse it! Perhaps there were other ways that in my desperation I didn't see.

So lovely to hear about your happy marriage, so often generational stories repeat themselves, you must have done something consciously to seek a different narrative for yourself.

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DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 13:18

My life isn’t what I expected it to be. I’m living in a country I never thought I’d live in to start with.

But more to the point, I never expected to be chronically ill since my mid 30s. I didn’t plan to struggle to enjoy my dcs childhood because of my illness. I didn’t plan to struggle for so many years trying to work anyway (and making myself worse in the process).

Bottom line for me is. You have the most important thing, more important than money (sorry) and that’s your health.
imo that’s the most important thing for you to be thankful about tbh @chocolateandsunshine . Wo it, you’d have few of the things you describe.

Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 13:24

DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 13:18

My life isn’t what I expected it to be. I’m living in a country I never thought I’d live in to start with.

But more to the point, I never expected to be chronically ill since my mid 30s. I didn’t plan to struggle to enjoy my dcs childhood because of my illness. I didn’t plan to struggle for so many years trying to work anyway (and making myself worse in the process).

Bottom line for me is. You have the most important thing, more important than money (sorry) and that’s your health.
imo that’s the most important thing for you to be thankful about tbh @chocolateandsunshine . Wo it, you’d have few of the things you describe.

Edited

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, without a doubt you are right, health is so precious.

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PyramusandThisbe · 09/10/2023 13:32

Honestly, what stands out from your narrative is your parents' (to me insane) sacrifice to allow you to attend Oxford. How could you have gone along with them divesting themselves of what sounds like most of what they owned in order to fund your degree? Did you have siblings whose lives would also have been negatively affected? Whose idea was this, and did you have any qualms at the time?

Quite apart from anything else, it must have put a crazy amount of pressure on you throughout your studies, if in the background were your parents' newly straitened circumstances and their obviously high hopes for you.

You seem to equate riches with 'turning out better than expected' -- yet most people with an Oxford degree don't end up rich simply by virtue of it. Would your parents have been disappointed if you hadn't become rich?

(Disclosure: I was also a poor overseas student at Oxford in the 90s, but I got a full scholarship, otherwise I would have had to reject the place --my parents could not have managed the fees even if they had sold literally everything they had in the world, and even if they could have, there's absolutely no way I would have countenanced it.)

Yes, my life has been far more interesting than I expected. Not easier than the life set out by my parents, upbringing and schooling trained me for, but wider and more engaging.

Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 13:44

PyramusandThisbe · 09/10/2023 13:32

Honestly, what stands out from your narrative is your parents' (to me insane) sacrifice to allow you to attend Oxford. How could you have gone along with them divesting themselves of what sounds like most of what they owned in order to fund your degree? Did you have siblings whose lives would also have been negatively affected? Whose idea was this, and did you have any qualms at the time?

Quite apart from anything else, it must have put a crazy amount of pressure on you throughout your studies, if in the background were your parents' newly straitened circumstances and their obviously high hopes for you.

You seem to equate riches with 'turning out better than expected' -- yet most people with an Oxford degree don't end up rich simply by virtue of it. Would your parents have been disappointed if you hadn't become rich?

(Disclosure: I was also a poor overseas student at Oxford in the 90s, but I got a full scholarship, otherwise I would have had to reject the place --my parents could not have managed the fees even if they had sold literally everything they had in the world, and even if they could have, there's absolutely no way I would have countenanced it.)

Yes, my life has been far more interesting than I expected. Not easier than the life set out by my parents, upbringing and schooling trained me for, but wider and more engaging.

Yes looking back it does all look a bit crazy. I'm a single child so no siblings to consider and it was a joint decision. My parents have of course have been repaid their investment with interest as soon as it was possible for me.

Of course my parents would never have been disappointed in me, but yes for me financial security is important as it provides a sense of control, peace of mind and opportunities I didn't have as a young person. But it is just one element of life. Life can be "better than expected" in many areas!

Glad that you feel your experiences have been interesting and engaging!!

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DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 14:02

There is a question as to what ´better than you expected’ means.

I think that when you’ve struggled with money when young, having a life where money isn’t an issue ever, will feel like it’s amazing and something to be grateful for. I get that.

I think fur me, this has a very different meaning
My life isn’t ‘better than I expected’. How could it when I’m now close to housebound?
But I’ve had amazing opportunities along the way. I’ve explored different philosophies and ways to look at life (and health) that I never planned to. I’ve travelled and lived in different countries. I grew in myself in ways I hadn’t thought about. Including learning to enjoy and be grateful for the little things.

My life has been unexpected and full of positives, despite that spanner on the works. A life being ‘good’ isn’t always about money, an amazing husband etc…, (it’s a very stereotypical view if what success means).

Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 14:20

DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 14:02

There is a question as to what ´better than you expected’ means.

I think that when you’ve struggled with money when young, having a life where money isn’t an issue ever, will feel like it’s amazing and something to be grateful for. I get that.

I think fur me, this has a very different meaning
My life isn’t ‘better than I expected’. How could it when I’m now close to housebound?
But I’ve had amazing opportunities along the way. I’ve explored different philosophies and ways to look at life (and health) that I never planned to. I’ve travelled and lived in different countries. I grew in myself in ways I hadn’t thought about. Including learning to enjoy and be grateful for the little things.

My life has been unexpected and full of positives, despite that spanner on the works. A life being ‘good’ isn’t always about money, an amazing husband etc…, (it’s a very stereotypical view if what success means).

For me "better than you expected" is quite subjective. Like PP above who overcome health struggles, or PP who didn't expect to have a happy family life but ended up with an amazing marriage.

It sounds like you've been dealt a difficult set of circumstances that you've accepted & built on with a level of resilience and insight that is quite enviable & uncommon. That is for sure "better than expected".

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stayathomer · 09/10/2023 14:29

I think I grew up deluded assuming I’d stay middle class, so it was a shock when we became poor poor after buying an apartment that we couldn’t sell. We’re financially in a much better and fine place, but that’s not even a shock compared to, when it comes down to it, if your asked me fifteen years ago would I have envisioned a day where I lived far away from all my family and only saw them once a year I’d have laughed (but on thinking about it was never going to be able to afford to live near them as they’re in Dublin). I miss everyone. Hugs and we’ll done to you all

toadasoda · 09/10/2023 14:54

OP not the point of the thread at all but I'm wondering why you didn't have comprehensive insurance??!!

I think you hit the nail on the head about privilege, it's not about what you have but the ability to buy your way out certain situations. Im not near as wealthy as you but comfortable enough to 'throw money at a problem', for example putting a deposit down on something and not worrying about losing it, or not getting upset if my kids give up an activity I've paid upfront for.

I think you must have had terrible pressure on you OP to get good grades. That must have been tough.

Be prepared for your children to not appreciate any of it!! If they have been raised with privilege they will never truly understand.

CornishClott · 09/10/2023 15:08

@chocolateandsunshine
That's lovely to hear .

Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 16:02

stayathomer · 09/10/2023 14:29

I think I grew up deluded assuming I’d stay middle class, so it was a shock when we became poor poor after buying an apartment that we couldn’t sell. We’re financially in a much better and fine place, but that’s not even a shock compared to, when it comes down to it, if your asked me fifteen years ago would I have envisioned a day where I lived far away from all my family and only saw them once a year I’d have laughed (but on thinking about it was never going to be able to afford to live near them as they’re in Dublin). I miss everyone. Hugs and we’ll done to you all

I don’t think many “middle class” people are able to buy in Dublin these days, it’s hugely expensive and a tax heaven.
notwithstanding missing your loved ones, I hope you find happiness in your new chosen place, there are good kind friends to be found anywhere!

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Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 16:05

toadasoda · 09/10/2023 14:54

OP not the point of the thread at all but I'm wondering why you didn't have comprehensive insurance??!!

I think you hit the nail on the head about privilege, it's not about what you have but the ability to buy your way out certain situations. Im not near as wealthy as you but comfortable enough to 'throw money at a problem', for example putting a deposit down on something and not worrying about losing it, or not getting upset if my kids give up an activity I've paid upfront for.

I think you must have had terrible pressure on you OP to get good grades. That must have been tough.

Be prepared for your children to not appreciate any of it!! If they have been raised with privilege they will never truly understand.

Haha we do have insurance but figured that it would be cheaper to pay for repairs then loose no claims bonus (on 2 cars).

yes you are probably right, kids won’t appreciate it and will probably hate me regardless!

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GreenMushrooms · 09/10/2023 16:20

I feel like I've turned the corner in the past 2-3 years.

Struggled financially as a child and an adult. I had an abusive upbringing. I couldn't afford to pay my uni fees. Entered a minimum wage job and slept on a family member's sofa for years. Then when I got my own place to rent, I would always run out of money before payday, so would hunt for 5p and 10p coins to buy things from the shop. I got in debt just buying food and paying rent and bills.

With a scholarship and additional educational I've secured a 6 figure job, paid off my debt and student loan, and bought a house with a deposit I saved myself. Now I'm building up real savings and I can afford to do things. I'm going to go to the dentist for the first time in years (I got used to not going because I couldn't afford it).

I still have the "poverty" mentality - afraid that everything with go away, for example if I'm laid off from my job, so I'm still afraid to spend on luxuries and i try to minimise spending and save a lot (i shop in aldi; drive an old banger; no phone contract; no subscriptions, shop in charity shops; dont use tumble dryer or dishwasher; don't do takeaway coffee, hair, nails etc.) - which I'm working on.

Hubblebubble · 09/10/2023 16:26

I was a neglected and abused stepchild. I was constantly told I was useless. The stepfather was quite mad and into conspiracy theories. So we had no internet or tv. In my teen and early 20s I engaged in all sorts of risk taking behaviours, looking for affection and validation.

I'm now an outright home owner, a writer and a mother. Have modern conveniences. I'm single, but for me that is a success. Having a safe, happy home for myself and my child brings me joy.

Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 16:30

GreenMushrooms · 09/10/2023 16:20

I feel like I've turned the corner in the past 2-3 years.

Struggled financially as a child and an adult. I had an abusive upbringing. I couldn't afford to pay my uni fees. Entered a minimum wage job and slept on a family member's sofa for years. Then when I got my own place to rent, I would always run out of money before payday, so would hunt for 5p and 10p coins to buy things from the shop. I got in debt just buying food and paying rent and bills.

With a scholarship and additional educational I've secured a 6 figure job, paid off my debt and student loan, and bought a house with a deposit I saved myself. Now I'm building up real savings and I can afford to do things. I'm going to go to the dentist for the first time in years (I got used to not going because I couldn't afford it).

I still have the "poverty" mentality - afraid that everything with go away, for example if I'm laid off from my job, so I'm still afraid to spend on luxuries and i try to minimise spending and save a lot (i shop in aldi; drive an old banger; no phone contract; no subscriptions, shop in charity shops; dont use tumble dryer or dishwasher; don't do takeaway coffee, hair, nails etc.) - which I'm working on.

what an amazing turnaround, sounds like you are being sensible too! i'm sure there will be lots of opportunities to figure out what kind of spending brings you joy, when you are ready.

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Original poster

chocolateandsunshine · 09/10/2023 16:33

Hubblebubble · 09/10/2023 16:26

I was a neglected and abused stepchild. I was constantly told I was useless. The stepfather was quite mad and into conspiracy theories. So we had no internet or tv. In my teen and early 20s I engaged in all sorts of risk taking behaviours, looking for affection and validation.

I'm now an outright home owner, a writer and a mother. Have modern conveniences. I'm single, but for me that is a success. Having a safe, happy home for myself and my child brings me joy.

what a difficult start you've had, you must be so proud of yourself now, and rightly so

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BobbidyBibbidyBob · 09/10/2023 16:33

Would be very interested to know what you studied, OP and what industry you are, and have done so well, in?