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Original poster

How did you feel after having your last child?

30 replies

Justonemore2 · 08/10/2023 01:23

I’ve had my third and final baby, my age and finances have brought that conclusion and I felt like id accepted it and made peace with him being my last as soon as he was born. I just felt complete and done. 2 months on I’m now feeling like I’m not ready to say no more. I know 3 is more than enough, and realistically I know I couldn’t handle anymore or give them equal attention. When my baby grows out of an outfit or does something new I feel sadness that I won’t experience it again. I love pregnancy, birth and the new baby stages. Knowing I’ll never go through it again is hard. Even when I remind myself of the hardships like sleepless nights, stitches, mastitis etc I still feel I could do it again. It doesn’t help my MIL has told us we’re not allowed anymore because she doesn’t want us to and that we need to throw away the newborn clothes. Not that it’s her business but it makes me feel like I’ve no control over my own decisions since she has been interfering. DH agreed with her and doesn’t want anymore, he plans to get the snip (at his mothers request and something we’d never discussed) the finality of it makes me panic. I don’t have PND, I’m enjoying my baby and very happy, but these thoughts pop into my head now and again.
My older 2 children are later into primary age so I had a big age gap before my baby. I definitely wasn’t finished after my second and waited a long time for my third. I’d never felt I was done until my third came so I don’t know why I feel like this again. So I’ve already been through the ‘no more’ stage once before where I begrudgingly accepted I wouldn’t get the chance to have another, this time just feels harder than it did then.
So for those who have had their final baby, whether by choice or not, how did you move past the wanting more stage? It would be interesting to also hear from those who were done but then went on to have another eventually.

OP posts:
Greybluewhite · 08/10/2023 06:01

I think what your feeling is pretty normal to be honest.

I had two DC, definitely done but then had an accidental DC3. Despite being very much done after DC2 due to space, time and finances and then having another I still feel really sad giving away all of my baby things, knowing it’s the last time I’ll experience it. I am trying to enjoy every second of my last baby experience. I think everyone must feel some sadness to an extent!

On the MIL front, tell her to mind her own. It’s a shame your husband isn’t supporting you in that. I think that’s probably making how you feel so much worse.

ManAboutTown · 08/10/2023 06:22

I knew I was done after two. Not sure why it just felt right.

And we grew together - admit i struggled a bit with them as toddlers but once they hit about 3 it was a fruitful experience - zooa, rugby matches, football games and then they moved on to playing sports themselves and meals out were enjoyable

Once they hit 18 you can send them to the bar😂

I guess we are all different but two was right for us

anareen · 08/10/2023 06:47

I have had 4. One every year for 4 years so they are quite close. I had to have c-sections with all of them and my last I was severely anemic that I needed iron infusions. The doctors were also concerned about me bleeding out during surgery. Health wise is why I haven't had more. I have gone through phases over the years of wishing I could have more (youngest is 6). It really hit me early this year that she is my last and I did get very sad. I get sad now knowing no more baby phases, no more toddler stages, this is the last time I am going to experience this ever 😭 I think it's a mourning process in itself 💜 I am trying to cherish these moments. They fly so fast. Before we know it they will be graduating 😭😭😭😭😭they will be out of the house 😭😭😭😭😭 they will have their own families! 🥰 I have also shifted my perspective to that..... the future. Raising resilient kids that will have the tools to navigate this world!

I do wonder when our children are all grown with their own lives and families is that when we will finally feel we have "made it" in this life? Food for thought perhaps? 🙂

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EcoCustard · 08/10/2023 06:47

After Dc3 was born I was very much done having babies as was DH, I had a little cheer every time we grew out of needing something and it was given to someone else, I found it exciting and in a way liberating to be moving on to a new chapter and phase. I got rid of everything immediately without hesitation. However, I then discovered I was pregnant with a very surprising Dc4 and after getting over the shock (DH had, had a ‘successful’ vasectomy) we had to buy most of the baby stuff again. He started school a few weeks ago and oddly I have struggled to let go of somethings this time as I’m definitely done. I’ve focused on the next chapter and the good stuff ahead.

Dentistlakes · 08/10/2023 06:50

For a short time when they were just coming out of the newborn stage, I felt a bit sad about not having another. That changed fairly rapidly though and I was kind of glad to be done.

SnapdragonToadflax · 08/10/2023 06:54

I suspect many women never feel they're 'done' - is just nature. We're designed to keep getting pregnant until the menopause, so it would make sense for the desire for more children to continue.

Thankfully now we have contraception!

Personally I'm one and done. I was desperate for a child before I got pregnant, now I'm relieved I don't have to do it again. I get the odd pang but it's really nothing, I know it doesn't make any sense for my mental or physical health or our finances or general happiness as a family.

Kaill · 08/10/2023 06:59

I had one. Relieved when it was over. I can do other more important stuff now. People who are obsessed with more kids usually don’t have anything else in their life. What else would you like to do now kids aren’t holding you back?

Autumn1990 · 08/10/2023 07:00

I was desperately broody after my second was born until she was a year old. Then slightly broody until she was three. It’s eased now. Part of me would like another but another part of me wouldn’t now.
I think when things are made final it makes the broodiness worse

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/10/2023 07:02

DH and I were on the fence about DC3 because of finances, space, time, etc. We made a definitive decision to stick with two but deep down we both felt sad about that. I’m pregnant with DC3 which was unplanned and I’m still really scared about (currently 14w) but I feel this will complete us. DH will be getting the snip before either of us have chance to be broody again. Luckily, we’re both on board with this decision.

In terms of your MIL, tell her to but out and talk to your DH about the vasectomy. Ultimately, it’s his body and his decision but you can still talk. Maybe his reasoning will help.

ManAboutTown · 08/10/2023 07:04

I do wonder when our children are all grown with their own lives and families is that when we will finally feel we have "made it" in this life? Food for thought perhaps? 🙂

It doesn't happen like this - mine are in their early 20s and they're still my "kids"

We only see each other every few weeks but we'll have a beer or a meal or watch a game. Their outlook on life is different to me and it took a little time for me to come to terms with that but they're good lads and my life.

Sure most parents on here are the same

anareen · 08/10/2023 07:10

ManAboutTown · 08/10/2023 07:04

I do wonder when our children are all grown with their own lives and families is that when we will finally feel we have "made it" in this life? Food for thought perhaps? 🙂

It doesn't happen like this - mine are in their early 20s and they're still my "kids"

We only see each other every few weeks but we'll have a beer or a meal or watch a game. Their outlook on life is different to me and it took a little time for me to come to terms with that but they're good lads and my life.

Sure most parents on here are the same

Omg! Of course they will always be our babies!!!!!!

I mean in terms of feeling fulfilled. Like we did our duty as parents by raising resilient children who are productive and have their own families. I guess being in our grandchildren's lives would be part of the next phase! 🥰 even then we will still be there for our children 🥰

Theprincessisblanketed · 08/10/2023 07:28

I always wanted a larger family and extremely sad to have had to stop at two (DH had a vasectomy because he felt we couldn't afford more, I'm now going through early menopause - it's not going to happen!). I try to throw myself in to other bits of life but when we are all together as a family I can't help looking round the table sometimes and wishing there were more of us.

Doesn't help that none of my of my or dh siblings have children so there's no nephew's or nieces or other children in my life at all.

ManAboutTown · 08/10/2023 07:38

anareen · 08/10/2023 07:10

Omg! Of course they will always be our babies!!!!!!

I mean in terms of feeling fulfilled. Like we did our duty as parents by raising resilient children who are productive and have their own families. I guess being in our grandchildren's lives would be part of the next phase! 🥰 even then we will still be there for our children 🥰

Show quote history

How right you are.

I got some stuff wrong but feel I did ok in the end. And yes I do feel I've done something in this world by bringing them into it and nurturing them through childhood.

Crunchymum · 08/10/2023 08:00

I take a medication incompatible with pregnancy so I'm done. If I were to get pregnant I'd need a TFMR so I'm advised to double down on contraception.

Thankfully DC3 was always going to be our last and I can honestly say I've never had a moments reconsideration, even before I started my medication.

Aparecium · 08/10/2023 08:02

I felt painfully broody.

After all the other dc I knew we would either TTC at some point or that we would be considering it. But we had agreed that 40 was my cut-off. I had struggled to conceive the last dc (the others had been easy) and had had miscarriages during that period, so after our last dc I knew that there would be no more. But it was very tough. I even toyed with the idea of having an 'accident', but would not deceive my dh. My head and my head were so conflicted.

It took 2-3y before I was able to hold a newborn and then return them without feeling a pang of regret.

anareen · 08/10/2023 08:04

@ManAboutTown

I am go glad you have achieved that and have also been able to reflect on that! 💜 It is so promising to hear that! 🥰

Losses and wins are a part of the journey but I do think by seeing our children navigate the world in a productive and successful way with the tools we have taught them then we have done a job well done! 😊

Aparecium · 08/10/2023 08:07

Oh, and I also have PILs with weird ideas. Like MIL, I had a girl and a boy. When dc2 was about 8m, MIL out of the blue announced her disapproval of people having more than two children, especially if they already had one of each. I ignored her.

TerfinUSB · 08/10/2023 08:11

It wears off OP! I had similar feelings, but now i am really glad I stopped when I did. Those hormones are powerful things.

Chestnutz · 08/10/2023 08:12

Right. If someone was making decisions on my behalf and told me that I shouldn’t do something that could be perfectly reasonable to do then my first reaction is to prove them wrong. For me I would have to unpack whether I wanted to do it because others were so adamantly against it or whether it was right for me.

Try and ignore any reaction to anyone other than your DH! And your DH needs to ignore his DM - there are some boundaries being over stepped here.

Whereland · 08/10/2023 08:16

How strange for your MIL to comment on your family planning.
I knew I was done after my third. I love pregnancy, birth and newborns too but if I find myself getting nostalgic I remind myself that that phase is so fleeting- I find toddlers so much harder work! So much as I'd like another baby in theory, a 4th toddler would break me!!

PatchoulOilandRoses · 08/10/2023 08:24

I knew I was done after my second. DH was booked in for the snip before she was a month old.
Personally I wasn't prepared to live in the perpetual baby/toddler phase that having 3-4+ babies would create.
I also knew I didn't want to do the school run for 15-20 years depending on age gaps.
I didn't get weepy putting baby clothes away, it always felt exciting that they were moving on a stage.
My babies are teenagers now and I absolutely do not regret sticking with two. I am in my early 40s and I have my freedom back to a certain extent, if I had two more I could realistically be in the thick of primary school runs for the next ten years up to my 50s and beyond. No thanks!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/10/2023 08:58

Another thing that puts me off having any more after this pregnancy is that DD1 was born when I was 19 and DH was 22. I will be nearly 30 when this one is born and we’d like to have some adult time without young children. 😂

Original poster
Justonemore2 · 08/10/2023 11:44

Thanks for all of your experiences and insights. I know we won’t have anymore but it’s surprisingly harder this time to accept. MIL comments do make me have a fleeting moment of wanting to prove her wrong and have another out of spite 😂. I wouldn’t of course.
I couldn’t imagine moving on and accepting I’m done to finding out I’m pregnant again, that must have been a shock to the system!
Im very sentimental so I will find it hard to let go of any of the baby things, I still have all my older children’s newborn clothes tucked away. I didn’t clear out the cot etc until 2 years ago.

OP posts:
PatchoulOilandRoses · 08/10/2023 12:22

There is nothing wrong with being sentimental (although clearly I'm not!). It's sweet and you obviously enjoyed your babies 😊
When you do get round to passing their clothes on a really nice idea is to just keep one outfit each (the one you brought them home in is a good one) so you still have something but it doesn't take up much space.
MIL's comment would intensely annoy me but knowing my luck if I tried for one more I would probably end up having triplets.....so that would reign me back in 😆

Littlegoth · 08/10/2023 12:31

I’ve just had my 2nd at almost 42. I would have loved a third but had 4 miscarriages and needed a lot of help to get these two here, and don’t think I can put myself through the physical or emotional aspects of that again. So I’m mainly relieved that I managed to have 2 children as I knew I wanted more than 1. Honestly I would have had 3 or 4 if it hadn’t been so difficult and taken so long. X