Teen (18) contributing to household bills

[Mumof118]

DS is 18 and a half. He is taking a year off before going to uni.

He only works part time, as he wants to be free to attend acting auditions and extras castings etc. Although, he has not had a single call yet for this.

I pay his phone bill £10 a month and my husband, his dad pays his gym membership £20 a month. He will also be inheriting my car i20, if he passes his test next month.

DS earns £600 a month working 16 hours a week. (I’d like him to work more and save for uni, but he’s quite resistant).

He takes two showers a day and has a room full of high-end tech, which gobbles electricity. He eats like a horse, and it’s expensive too. I buy him a lot of meat as he’s currently doing the carnivore diet due to IBS.

From Oct the 1st he has been asked to contribute £100 a month, to pay towards his bills and food. DS has gratefully accepted this and paid on time this first month.

But a relative has made me feel pretty guilty today about charging him anything. If he had gone to uni, I wouldn’t have. But I felt if he’s working and earning, he needs to learn some responsibility. I had also decided not to save the money and return it to him, as I genuinely fee he should contribute - he’s expensive.

Am I a horrible mother? Or is my relative who does not charge her 21 year old son, the unreasonable one?

Thank you

Neither of you are unreasonable.
You do what you can afford and parent your kids/teens/young adults accordingly.

I don't charge dd rent as she's just graduated and is working part time until she finds something. I probably won't charge then either, but would expect her to save for her own place eventually.

I think perhaps she touched a nerve, because I wish I didn’t have to ask him for anything.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable. We would all like to work purely for spending money but that’s not real life.

I would charge him, but I would be saving it all for him.

But he's adding to your bills with his tech. So don't feel bad. Not everyone can keep supporting their kids when the child benefit etc. stop.

Dd doesn't really add to the bills by being here, and she saves us needing a dog walker. If she was adding to the bills and making them unaffordable, she would have to contribute.

When he goes to uni will you be able to top up his loans? If not, he'll need to save. But don't feel bad.

You do your kids no favours by bank rolling them. So many young adults in their 20s with large disposable incomes and expensive outgoings like cars on finance because they are living off Mum and Dad. Then find they can't afford a place of their own.

It’s £100 a month not £3000, you aren’t profiteering here, he’s prob eating more than that in meat.

I think DH and I will give him a monthly amount when he goes to uni. He will obviously not have to pay us, but we will likely send him around £250 a month. We can’t afford much more than that, but will also give him an extra £300 at Christmas and birthday.

Right now though, he probably costs me £50 a week in meat for him.

just laughed when I read that. It went through my head too and I posted just after!

Since my son has gone to Uni our food, energy and water bill has halved.

Our son received 7 k in his CTF when he turned 18 and we’ve also paid 8 k for his Uni accommodation and Uni gym membership this year.

He has only just turned 18 (August) but I expect him to contribute and budget his money going forward. For example, when he comes home for holidays if my husband and I are having bean chili for dinner and he wants steak he will have to go out and buy it (unless there is some in the freezer or fridge) and cook it himself. Prior to him turning 18 I would have run out and bought and cooked him the steak however, I don’t think this is my role anymore.

I would have no issue charging him £100.00 a month if he was in the same position as your son.

Don’t let other people put you down.

Thanks everyone. Feel a bit more justified.

We didn’t save into his CTF, so he just got £300 or thereabouts.

I did save £4000 for him, but the bank transferred it to him at the age of 16, because I had the account in his name. He has about £3000 left of that. We also gave him £1000 for his 18th. We do what we can and he’s luckier than many.

I wouldn’t be charging him - especially if you’re not able to fully top up his student loan going forward.

But also I wouldn’t be buying £50 of meat a week for him - post 18 when I lived at home if you wanted anything that wasn’t part of the regular weekly shop then you bought it yourself. Even when I was only part time I’d never have dreamed of expecting my parents to fork out £200 a month on a specialised diet.

I appreciate it’s an attempt to alleviate symptoms but it’s not something he’s going to be able to keep up with on student loan anyway.

DD is 19 and also on a gap year, to be honest I wouldn’t dream of charging her for bills and personally have never met anyone else that would do it at that age either. Into their 20s if not studying and still living at home yes it would be considered, but certainly not for just a teenager.

I’m a single mum on a fairly average salary, yes of course I could do with the money but it wouldn’t feel right to take it from her. She will need it next year at uni as I am certain her student loan won’t cover everything (some of her friends loans are barely covering their accommodation this year) so I would much rather she saved it for herself.

You could always make him buy his own food instead of asking for a monthly contribution.

@Snugglemonkey "I would charge him, but I would be saving it all for him."

Whatever you do-don't do this. It's infantilising, patronising and teaches nothing. If you need the money (no shame in that) he can contribute and feel proud that he can. If you don't need the money, he can save if he wants to, make his own choices. He'll have to make his own way in the world soon enough.

Of course he should contribute.

I paid a third of my income to my Mum when I was living at home and still had plenty to spend.

I was still stunned by the real costs of living when I moved out. It would have been even worse if I was used to keeping all of my money!

Absolutely charge him £100 and please do not feel guilty. It sounds like you already more than spend more than that on him with his phone, the gym and meat.

An 18yo working and not in FT education should be contributing. No one gets a free ride in life and adulthood in the real world is far, far more expensive.
It's a good lesson in life to learn. I would also advise him to start saving on top too.

I was charged as an 18 year old. I worked FT, and I can remember seeing the relief on my mum's face that there was a little extra coming in to help. But the whole household benefitted, and I was proud to be contributing.

It baffles me when parents ask for a contribution towards household costs - rightly so - but then say they will save it for their child. That teaches nothing and it's incredibly patronising to accept it then present the money back to them at a later date. In tbe real world, we don't pay our mortgage then a couple of years on the mortgage provider gives us back a nice lump sum.

I believe if adults work 18 plus they should pay a contribution.

You’re effectively only charging him £70 as you’re paying £30 of his bills. Keep charging him the £100pm but make him pay for his own phone and gym.

When you give him your car, don’t pay all the expenses for it.

Oh heavens, yes, charge him £100 (though I think he might cost you more than that a month). I paid my mum £50 a week back in the 1990s! I intend to ask my daughter for a moderate contribution,(and demand she saves, too) when she starts working. Only fair.

Definitely would not be charging them but I do keep money for them that they pay me and then I give it back to them but I've stopped doing that as they save well now - we did do that when they were younger

Our DS is 19 and is a second year apprentice bringing home more than what I do in a week so he pays $40aud a week and he buys he's own snack foods that are not part of the normal household shop.
I feel so guilty sometimes, then other times I see him living it up and spending every cent of his pay check (on crap) and figure it won't hurt him to see what real life is like.

Completely agree. I hate this trend.