Teen (18) contributing to household bills

[Mumof118]

DS is 18 and a half. He is taking a year off before going to uni.

He only works part time, as he wants to be free to attend acting auditions and extras castings etc. Although, he has not had a single call yet for this.

I pay his phone bill £10 a month and my husband, his dad pays his gym membership £20 a month. He will also be inheriting my car i20, if he passes his test next month.

DS earns £600 a month working 16 hours a week. (I’d like him to work more and save for uni, but he’s quite resistant).

He takes two showers a day and has a room full of high-end tech, which gobbles electricity. He eats like a horse, and it’s expensive too. I buy him a lot of meat as he’s currently doing the carnivore diet due to IBS.

From Oct the 1st he has been asked to contribute £100 a month, to pay towards his bills and food. DS has gratefully accepted this and paid on time this first month.

But a relative has made me feel pretty guilty today about charging him anything. If he had gone to uni, I wouldn’t have. But I felt if he’s working and earning, he needs to learn some responsibility. I had also decided not to save the money and return it to him, as I genuinely fee he should contribute - he’s expensive.

Am I a horrible mother? Or is my relative who does not charge her 21 year old son, the unreasonable one?

Thank you

It sounds sensible to charge him a small amount now especially as you are going to help him when he's at Uni. I know just how much electricity and water teens and young adults use. Your son could and probably should work full time this year. Once he is at Uni next year he will wish he had that extra money. It could mean he would only have to work a few hours next year instead of 22 hours or more each week. One of my DD's friends had to do this every week.

Thank you all.

Yes, we pay £30 for his phone and gym, so he’s paying £70 really.

He uses around £4 of electricity a day. We worked this out as DH and I were away for a month in the summer and DS stayed home.
He has such a lot of tech on at once. His bedroom is always very hot. He also takes 40 minute showers in the morning (don’t get me started on that) and 10 minute showers after the gym.

DH takes him driving daily and I pay for the diesel.

He doesn’t currently have any other expenses, so he earns £600; pays us £100; wastes £100 over the month on snacks or buys trainers and then saves £400. Although, this has only been the past month, so we’ll see if he keeps it up for the year. September we didn’t take any money off him and he blew his entire wage packet on a limited edition PS5.

I really want to try to teach him that life isn’t free and that he needs to manage his money and prioritise his bills. That he has to think about the electricity he’s using and how many slices of bacon he eats in one go (currently it’s an entire pack - or he’ll cook and eat an entire chicken).

But like I said and can see here, some people just don’t feel it’s right to charge their children, my relative as well. And this made me feel guilty. Writing it down like this, does make me feel far more reasonable.

I wouldn’t think to charge rent to a child who was trying to save before going to uni BUT then you said about the tech and expensive diet. Which makes it entirely reasonable IMO.

Ps the 40 minute showers have to stop. I’d cut the hot water off after 10. Even twice a day is not necessary in most circumstances.

He’s very resistant to full time work. He believes it will ruin his chance to attend auditions. The whole point in him taking a year off was to get head shots done (which Nan paid for) and to see if he could get into acting (his idea).

I worked from the age of 14. He has only just started really.

When in university I worked week days 5-9pm and 9 hours on a Saturday and 6 on a Sunday. So 31 a week.

I don’t want him to have to do this, but he only sees the here and now. He doesn’t see what’s ahead.

That’s a whole other thread though.

Without going off topic too much, this is the cause of many many arguments in our house. I have no way of switching off the shower or hot water unless I mess with the boiler.

It's not unreasonable to expect some money but not everyone charges, we don't, but I would switch the phone and gym to him for starters then possibly tell him to buy his own food if he's not eating family meals/wants extra meat

I could do this. I’d actually probably be better off.

And he'd learn so much more from it although it feels counter intuitive to have home eating different food.

????

And what if she cannot afford to?
What if the reason she is asking is because his year out is costing her more money, maybe she has lost some benefits now he has left school?

Why is this such a stock Mumsnet answer?

Personally I'd take a different strategy and stop paying his things and make him do his own shopping. Will encourage him to learn how to budget and not waste.
When my son was 14 he was on a £15 per month phone contract with something like 10gb Internet included - he never used all the Internet and the same company offered a cheaper package. Ds was reluctant to change it incase he needed the usage so I said OK- you pay for your own phone, I'll transfer £15 unto you account (he wasn't working) and you can decide if you want to spend it all on that phone bundle -- within a month he had switched to the cheaper bundle and was keeping about £10 a month! The result is at 16 he has just started his first Saturday job and said to me by the way mum you should stop that standing order for my phone because I can afford it by myself now!

My DS is also on a Gap year (his is due to having to get papers remarked though). He works full time, although will be less over the winter as he works in a zoo and takes home about £1000 a month. He is saving most of it apart from putting petrol in his car as he will need it for Uni. Due to DH’s job, he’ll only get the minimum loan so both him and use will need to top it up. It feels pointless him giving us money now to then pay when he goes to Uni.
I wouldn’t take money from him but instead make him do his own food shopping etc cause he’s isn’t going to be able to eat that much meat at Uni.

I’d charge him more personally. I’d be really concerned about him working 16 hours a week and bumming around otherwise during a ‘year out’. It shows a total lack of work ethic.

Your DS isn’t a comparable situation.

My son is 17 and working part time. I don't take anything off him at the moment because he is saving for driving lessons.
Once he starts working more and earning more I will be taking board off him, no I won't be saving it to give back to him!
No one lives for free in this world. Most people IRL (ie not mn high earners!) can't afford to support another adult indefinitely and most adults don't want to bum off their parents until they are 30!
I don't get the current trend of babying people until they are mid 20's or older.

And why exactly? Your post is incredibly rude!
They are both Gap year students, both working and the both sets of parents are going to have to give them money for Uni next year. I don’t see the point in taking money and then giving it back to him next year when he could save the money now. The OP asked for opinions, last time I checked on here we were allowed to give them.
And as for you saying working 16 hours is not a great work ethic, do you have an 18 year old on a Gap year? It’s incredibly difficult for them to get a full time job. Many Gap year students spend it travelling and not working at all so the fact that he’s working 16 hours and getting £600 is to be praised not moaned about.
Like I said to the OP, he’s probably spend more than £100 if he did his own food shopping and it would teach him great skills for Uni too.

He’s working 16 hours a week. That is not a strong work ethic. I don’t have an 18 year old on gap year no - but surely the point is to do something meaningful rather than spend most of it dossing around. Hospitality businesses round here are desperate for staff in terms of getting work. Do you live somewhere more deprived maybe?

Your DS is using the time constructively.

If you think pointing out that two things aren’t comparable is incredibly rude you must get offended frequently on mumsnet 🤣

Nope don’t normally get offended at all but someone who doesn’t even have an 18 year old let alone an 18 year old in the same position is no better placed to give “advise” than I am.
And no don’t live somewhere “deprived” at all, not that it has anything to do with getting a job. Fully fledged adults with years of experience can’t get jobs so I’m not sure how you expect a gap year student to walk into a full time well paying job is beyond me? Most places won’t hire gap students as they know they’ll be gone next year. The only reason why my son has his job was through a friend last summer and he just stayed. His other friends can’t get jobs at all and it’s not through lack of trying.
They are only 18 once, they’ve been through 2 or more years of Covid with no social life at all.

I personally wouldn’t but I wouldn’t say anything to another parent who did. I don’t ‘get ‘ the whole argument of charging 18 year olds rent because it teaches them independence and how to manage money though. My parents didn’t charge me and I was perfectly capable of budgeting and paying bills once I moved out. It’s a basic life skill that can be taught- without having to physically take money from young adult dc’s.

I’d charge him board and make him pay his own expenses. So phone and gym. I’d also expect him to get the shopping in at least once a month.
He’s an adult now. Needs to get in the real world of paying his own way in life.

I always paid "keep" as did my DKs. I wouldn't be paying for his phone,or gym membership. He might be a "teen", but technically he's an adult. As for a carnivore diet on IBS, did a Dr or specialist dietitian recommend this? My DH and I bought have IBS, I also have Diverticulosis, I don't eat meat... hardly have any problems,DH who likes meat with 2 meat and has no end of problems.

He should be learning to budget and that if he wants 40 minute showers he needs to pay for them. Personally I'd charge him more than £100, at least £200. Always used to be a third to pay bills, a third to save, a third to have fun. He is obviously costing you a lot of money and if he wants to run a car he needs to work more hours to pay for that, Dont fund it yourself.

Babying adults does them no favours.