Joint bank accounts

[Mummumgem]

I know I’m old school, been married for 35 yrs and have grandchildren so as my children tell me , I’m old fashioned 🙄😂

but when we got engaged we opened a joint account and each put the same percentage of our salary into it each month. When we got married all, and I mean all our income went into it. At the end of the month what was left we jointly decided how much went into our joint savings and the rest was split 50/50 for our own treats.

children came and down to one income for 2 years, we carried on the same way, then I went back to work ( my choice, I loved being a mum but wanted to work ). Carried on the same.

35 yrs later we still work the same accounting system even though we are now retired.

we had 3 children, and being older I never questioned the work/child care split, he never really did anything practical caring for the children, but fathers didn’t so much then. Housework he helped with, but not 50/50 but again men didn’t so I didn’t question it, he did do all the “men’s jobs” . Now retired we spilt about 50/50 chores.

but the point I’m getting at, is I’m reading so many posts about unfair money splits, should inheritance be shared, one has more disposable money than the other etc. I’m sorry I just don’t get it, if you’re married or like my children in a long term steady relationship, particularly with child, then it’s all shared, he earns £x she earns £x so you both have £xx, if one stays home to raise the children it’s £x,

I thought that’s what being in a shared relationship was about ?,

you've only been married 35 years and are talking as though you married in the 50s with the "back then men didn't do childcare"

I've been married 40 years and we not only split the child care 50/50 - out of the total of 4.5 years parental leave, he also took 2.

40 years ago was 1983, not the dark ages.

That’s what we do. Everything into one account. Sometimes I’ve earned more, and sometimes he has. We both have the same money to spend regardless of who earned it. I wouldn’t feel it was a partnership if we didn’t.

Most if my friends do things differently, but life would be dull if we were all the same.

And me. We work in much the same way as you but my DS and DIL put equal amounts into a shared account for bills etc and the rest is their own. DIL is the higher earner. It just their way.

I’m 57 and we’ve had a joint bank account all our marriage. We don’t really have any savings, private schools and Uni have seen to that but we just spend out of it as we need to. It works for us- we earn the same and I reckon we spend roughly the same although I’ve never totted it up.

That sounds a very fair system but you must remember not everyone plans these things as thoroughly and maybe have kids before they are married or by accident etc etc.. then you end up on a situation where you haven't talked it through and are just playing it by ear.
Or sometimes people have big differences in salary or credit ratings. Sometime women don't want to be so financially connected with their partners due to bad previous experiences.
Everyone's different. Your set up sounds great but there's many reasons why a lot of people don't have it set up like that.

It's funny you accept childcare and housework and employment being uneven as just 'that's what we did back then' yet struggle to understand that bank accounts being separate are just 'that's what happens now'.

Times change, your views are old fashioned and poosibly irrelevant to today's couples.

but i challenge "that's what we did back then". I've been married longer and i have no idea how most of my friends handle their finances, but i do know that the ones my age and married as long have similar splits of housework/childcare.

I wouldn't want a shared bank account as I'd never trust anyone enough not to worry that they might run off with my money. Anyone is capable of betrayal. But I'm probably biased as my last relationship was a controlling one, so I always want access to my own money/property nowadays.

What about ISAs that can’t be owned jointly? If you won’t have any individual savings you’re just paying tax you don’t have to.

DH and I have everything in one pot, we've leapfrogged each other at different times but have always seen our assets as joint, whether it's the cars, house, cash in the bank, investments or shares. We also split childcare/housework/life admin 50/50.

We're early 30s.

I am in my 60s so possibly the same age or older than you and am surprised that you don’t understand that everyone is different .
In my first marriage we had joint accounts but when he scarpered with his OW he emptied both accounts! I as left with a few pounds in my purse and a Child Benefit order book 2 weeks before my payday !
I have been happily remarried for over 30 years . Income into our own accounts with one joint household account for bills . It works.
I don’t get what you don’t get !

To the OP would you have been happy to work fulltime all your married life, pay for childcare and most bills out of your salary and do most of the housework!!

You can't force another person to share with you. If I didn't work we would have nothing. Your post cones across as very smug and privileged.

DH and I have been in a relationship/married for close to 40 years (sometimes living at opposite ends of the country).

We have always had a household bank account/kitty AKA "the cat" that we popped a chink of income in for bills.

We each have a variety of our own bank accounts.

I can’t get on board with anyone having full access to my money and seeing every detail of what I do with it, even if that person is my husband. I’m not a child with a piggy bank which needs monitoring. We each contribute fairly to bills, take turns with e.g. socialising costs and then do what we like with the rest.

I can't get my head around anyone wanting a joint account tbh, I can't think of anything worse!

All the bills come out of my account and DH transfers his half to me. I earn considerably more than him but we are still 50/50. I work more hours in a challenging role, he chooses to work less hours in a less demanding job, I'm not willing to subsidise that choice and he wouldn't hear of it anyway. I offered to change to 60/40 and he wasn't willing to do so

Good point we do have ISA’s, both about the same, but never really think about it being individual we just invest as much as our financial advisor says we should, just don’t think of it as his and mine 🤷🏼‍♀️

But it’s not my money it’s ours, and he got paid a lot more than me but it just didn’t matter. At the end of the month we split what was left 50/50 and did what we wanted with it, it goes into our individual accounts, if he wants to spend it all on his fish that’s up to him 😂, like wise I spend mine on my hobbies, he did raise his eyebrows when I bought my new sewing machine, but was impressed I’d saved up so much for it, ( he gave £200 because I was a little short ) it’s nice because we can treat each other or not, if I want to give it all away it’s my choice. I have no idea how much he has in there, and he doesn’t know what’s in mine.

I’m sorry I don’t mean it to. Looking back I should have put my foot down about the chores and child care. I know I’m the sort that likes to get a job done, he’s a do it tomorrow laid back person.

i just can’t imagine us not sharing everything and the family finances is important. But I can honestly say if we had money we both did, if we were broke we both went hungry

I think I’ve never really looked how other couples dynamics work, I’ve had my eyes opened since coming on mumsnet

If that's how you think of it that's fine, I don't though. Money I've earned from working at my job is MY money.

But when you marry you vow “ my body i thee worship and all my worldly goods I do endow”.

I don’t mean to come across insulting, I’m just trying to understand

I trust my husband 100% and am as confident as I can be that we will spend our whole lives together but the idea of a joint bank account makes me break out in a cold sweat.

We split all joint expenses fairly proportionate to our incomes but all accounts are separate and in separate names.

it’s a fundamental principle I would never budge on relating to financial independence. In every couple I know with shared finances, one person is in reality controlling those finances. Often benevolently and fairly but still. My parents had a joint bank account (and a very good marriage) but I could see from an early age that my dad was basically ‘in charge’ of the money and how it was spent. There may well be couples where that isn’t the case (including yours OP) but it’s something I vowed I would never do and I’ve stuck to that.

We have one shared account. Everything is ours, not mine or his.
If I want a new jumper, I buy it. If I want my nails done, I get them done. If he wants an Arsenal ticket, he buys one. If he wants to go for a pizza after work with colleagues, he goes. We're both sensible as we're part of a team. Neither of us take the piss, and if it's a big purchase which is only useful to one of us, we would discuss it with the other first.

Investments and savings are in some cases in single names but out of convenience / necessity. Everything we own is shared. It works well for us.

What can’t you understand ?

back then me didn't do much,
you got married in 1988, not 1908

We do the same as you OP and it’s worked for us for over 30 years. But other people are different and have different experiences and attitudes around money so there’s nothing to understand really. We’re all different and what works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for others.