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Original poster

Child hit son. Advice

59 replies

Reginaldperrin · 04/10/2023 20:16

The child in question has an autism diagnosis. This is the fourth time the child has attacked my son in the last year and the half.

On the last occasion I emailed the school to ask what precautions they were putting into place to stop this behaviour. They said that the boy was going to have one to one supervision in the playground going forward. The child has also been taken out of the main class during the day because of disruptive behaviour during lessons.

On Monday during break time the child somehow ran out of the room that he was meant to be in, went into the playground and started hitting my son. Son turned around to see who it was and got punched on the nose

I received a call from the teacher who said they were very sorry and that an investigation will take place as to why this happened. I feel like there’s not much more I can do.

I’ve told my son that it’s not acceptable to be hit, and it’s not right whatever the circumstance. ( He’s very aware of the child’s diagnosis and understanding of it). Son was ok but a bit she’ll shocked. They’re 9.

Is there anything else I can do?

OP posts:
notanothernamechange12 · 05/10/2023 10:04

PurpleBugz · 05/10/2023 09:52

I'm a parent to a violent autistic child. I can gaurentee the LA will be pushing for the child to stay in mainstream school and trying to save money. Schools can say they can't meet need but LA can force the school to keep the kid. It's over a year wait for a tribunal to get a change of school and that's after a months long process of proving a school cannot meet need.

Schools do but they shouldn't be expelling kids because of behaviours resulting from unmet needs. So that's another difficulty for the school.

I have lost everything because I won't send my kid to school that can't keep him and other kids safe. 2 years I've been fighting for an appropriate school place. There just are not enough schools or funds for th support the kids need.

I eventually did a SAR for the incident reports that document my child's violence to others and dangerous behaviours. It's a big part of my evidence for tribunal.

It's absolutely not fair on your child. But try to see what the other family is likely going through. Kick up a massive stink with the intent to give that family and the school evidence this autistic kid needs different school/more support. Follow the schools complaint process but then also complain to the LA because ultimately it's their responsibility and only the LA have the power to change a school placement.

A conversation with the child's parents asking if there is anything you can do to give evidence for them may help too.

The whole system is broken and it makes me so so angry. My child lives with guilt and shame because of the things he's done but he only acts that way because he can't cope in mainstream school environment. Other kids are scared of him and dislike him (understandably!) but my child knows this and feels terrible. All because the government ut funds for Send forcing LAs to gatekeep limited funds that just are not enough. And because my kid has this school experience he thinks he's bad and it makes him act this way all the more. I fear the teenage years I really do

This

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 11:26

There's a similar thread that got loads of great advice if I can find it I'll post a link.

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 11:28

Dangerous behaviour towards my son www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/4910739-dangerous-behaviour-towards-my-son

yellowclover · 05/10/2023 11:51

PurpleBugz · 05/10/2023 09:52

I'm a parent to a violent autistic child. I can gaurentee the LA will be pushing for the child to stay in mainstream school and trying to save money. Schools can say they can't meet need but LA can force the school to keep the kid. It's over a year wait for a tribunal to get a change of school and that's after a months long process of proving a school cannot meet need.

Schools do but they shouldn't be expelling kids because of behaviours resulting from unmet needs. So that's another difficulty for the school.

I have lost everything because I won't send my kid to school that can't keep him and other kids safe. 2 years I've been fighting for an appropriate school place. There just are not enough schools or funds for th support the kids need.

I eventually did a SAR for the incident reports that document my child's violence to others and dangerous behaviours. It's a big part of my evidence for tribunal.

It's absolutely not fair on your child. But try to see what the other family is likely going through. Kick up a massive stink with the intent to give that family and the school evidence this autistic kid needs different school/more support. Follow the schools complaint process but then also complain to the LA because ultimately it's their responsibility and only the LA have the power to change a school placement.

A conversation with the child's parents asking if there is anything you can do to give evidence for them may help too.

The whole system is broken and it makes me so so angry. My child lives with guilt and shame because of the things he's done but he only acts that way because he can't cope in mainstream school environment. Other kids are scared of him and dislike him (understandably!) but my child knows this and feels terrible. All because the government ut funds for Send forcing LAs to gatekeep limited funds that just are not enough. And because my kid has this school experience he thinks he's bad and it makes him act this way all the more. I fear the teenage years I really do

This.

Original poster
Reginaldperrin · 05/10/2023 18:45

I’m so sorry for your son @PurpleBugz and I’m so sorry you’ve had to fight so hard. It isn’t fair.

I really appreciate your input and the time you took to write your reply. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reginaldperrin · 05/10/2023 18:46

Thanks @autiebooklover really helpful too

OP posts:
larlypops · 05/10/2023 18:52

If this happens at our school the child is sent home immediately each time it happens, my son has autism and I wouldn’t let him use someone as a punch bag I’d expect him to be sent home.
A younger boy at school would lash out at everyone when he had a meltdown, bite, kick, punch until they had to permanently remove him, his mum understood and it helped her get a place at a SEN school but as someone else mentioned the council don’t want to support the schools

seriousquestioncoming · 05/10/2023 18:53

Meeting · 05/10/2023 07:13

Teach your son to hit back.

I know this is controversial but I think it's extremely important, especially after the 'tell the teacher" approach has clearly failed him.

Not controversial, just stupid.

YogaIsMyCalm · 05/10/2023 19:30

@PurpleBugz I could write similarly about my child's experience of mainstream. Quite often school wouldn't even communicate with me and I'd find out through a raging parent thinking I'm the barrier.

It's so hard, for the children on the receiving end, and for the child who is lashing out, this is how they're often only able to communicate that their needs aren't met.

Unfortunately the parents on both sides are at the mercy of the school following procedures, not just saying all the right things and having strategies on paper but with zero ability to implement these strategies.

CurlewKate · 05/10/2023 19:48

This is really difficult. My ds has a friend like this- and when they were in Primary there was a lot of hitting. I actually think it was a learning experience for ds (sorry if that sounds too woke!) We talked a lot about what was going on-and how sometimes Chris couldn't help it although it was wrong. I did reinforce that ds didn't have to put up with it, and the school did impose sanctions.

Meeting · 05/10/2023 19:59

seriousquestioncoming · 05/10/2023 18:53

Not controversial, just stupid.

Show quote history

That's your opinion.

I think it's beyond stupid to let your child stand there and get hit and do nothing back. What sort of life does that set them up for?

seriousquestioncoming · 05/10/2023 20:42

@Meeting: It is stupid to teach any child, especially a boy, that they can control situations and get what they want with their fists. There are 10,000 threads a day on MN about men who were taught to use their fists and where that leads and another 10,000 on NAMALT by people who think there is some sort of code for when violence is OK. Also, you're just not thinking it through on the facts of this scenario, so it's double down stupid I'm afraid (in theory and in practice). You probably know nothing about autistic meltdowns. Telling kids to retaliate with fists is a great way to exacerbate all the school's problems, embed the interpersonal difficulty between the two children, and set a really shit example of us/them between all children, while othering all adhd and autistic children. You may also find your own kid on an exclusion for safeguarding reasons, and social workers knocking on your door to ask why you are telling your kids to punch other children. So no, not bright at all. Have a think about it.

PathOfLeastResitance · 05/10/2023 20:59

PurpleBugz · 05/10/2023 09:52

I'm a parent to a violent autistic child. I can gaurentee the LA will be pushing for the child to stay in mainstream school and trying to save money. Schools can say they can't meet need but LA can force the school to keep the kid. It's over a year wait for a tribunal to get a change of school and that's after a months long process of proving a school cannot meet need.

Schools do but they shouldn't be expelling kids because of behaviours resulting from unmet needs. So that's another difficulty for the school.

I have lost everything because I won't send my kid to school that can't keep him and other kids safe. 2 years I've been fighting for an appropriate school place. There just are not enough schools or funds for th support the kids need.

I eventually did a SAR for the incident reports that document my child's violence to others and dangerous behaviours. It's a big part of my evidence for tribunal.

It's absolutely not fair on your child. But try to see what the other family is likely going through. Kick up a massive stink with the intent to give that family and the school evidence this autistic kid needs different school/more support. Follow the schools complaint process but then also complain to the LA because ultimately it's their responsibility and only the LA have the power to change a school placement.

A conversation with the child's parents asking if there is anything you can do to give evidence for them may help too.

The whole system is broken and it makes me so so angry. My child lives with guilt and shame because of the things he's done but he only acts that way because he can't cope in mainstream school environment. Other kids are scared of him and dislike him (understandably!) but my child knows this and feels terrible. All because the government ut funds for Send forcing LAs to gatekeep limited funds that just are not enough. And because my kid has this school experience he thinks he's bad and it makes him act this way all the more. I fear the teenage years I really do

I came on to say something similar from a school viewpoint. It’s all broken and now your child and this other child are the victims. This is the consequence of long term and systematic defunding of services and schools.
Your child shouldn’t be hit and the staff (if they are anything like me or my staff) will be upset too. Sometimes children move so fast and I’ve had it where I went to pick up a piece of rubbish off the floor and the child was gone, quick as a flash and headed straight for violence.
people saying that a child should be in a special school, yes, yes they should: there are not enough places. Also, it’s down to the parents of that child and their choice. If they decide mainstream, the school has little to no say.

bombastix · 05/10/2023 20:59

Your son needs to hit back. 4 times is not an accident, it is bullying.

seriousquestioncoming · 05/10/2023 21:02

bombastix · 05/10/2023 20:59

Your son needs to hit back. 4 times is not an accident, it is bullying.

Wrong.

bombastix · 05/10/2023 21:05

Autism is not an excuse for hitting someone 4 times. The victim is being conditioned to accept this. It will have its own psychological implications which is bullying.

Violent autistic children can have a significant effect on other children. That bullies the victim doesn't it?

bombastix · 05/10/2023 21:08

From the OP;

On Monday during break time the child somehow ran out of the room that he was meant to be in, went into the playground and started hitting my son. Son turned around to see who it was and got punched on the nose.

What does this scenario look like?

seriousquestioncoming · 05/10/2023 21:12

bombastix · 05/10/2023 21:08

From the OP;

On Monday during break time the child somehow ran out of the room that he was meant to be in, went into the playground and started hitting my son. Son turned around to see who it was and got punched on the nose.

What does this scenario look like?

Not one in which the School is going to thank a parent for going Old Testament with an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Although it may well let the School of the hook for failing to meet both children's needs, which is the real issue here, as attention will be focused elsewhere.

bombastix · 05/10/2023 21:15

Since the school appear to be failing to address it, I would not myself allowed my child to be attacked by another repeatedly.

4 times is too much. I would not myself discipline my child for punching this child back in a scenario like this.

Strictly1 · 05/10/2023 21:19

This is so true for so many children. I’m a HT - I have said on a number of occasions we sadly can’t meet need whilst trying every avenue to get support. We are ignored and I’m constantly bruised from intervening with children who are violent to safeguard them and others. The system is broken.
I hope you get what you need Purplebugz

seriousquestioncoming · 05/10/2023 21:23

Strictly1 · 05/10/2023 21:19

This is so true for so many children. I’m a HT - I have said on a number of occasions we sadly can’t meet need whilst trying every avenue to get support. We are ignored and I’m constantly bruised from intervening with children who are violent to safeguard them and others. The system is broken.
I hope you get what you need Purplebugz

Do you use exclusions in your school to manage them out? Be honest, I bet you do.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 05/10/2023 21:23

Another formal complaint will help the school with their case for extra support for this child, whether that's within this school or another.

Your child deserves to feel safe in school. He should not have to go into school fearing he will be assaulted. This is a safeguarding and bullying issue.

Strictly1 · 05/10/2023 21:26

No I don’t as it is unlawful under the Equality Act 2010. Not all HTs are bad or law breaking.

Original poster
Reginaldperrin · 05/10/2023 21:35

I’ve just sent an email to the deputy head sting I want it to be logged as a formal complaint and safe guarding issue.

I told them that it wasn’t fair to expect my son to rationalise and accept these incidents as a normal part of his day.

OP posts:
cansu · 05/10/2023 21:36

The school put in a provision and it probably worked for a while until this episode. They will as Tome Tome said have to do something else. Ask them what else they will do.