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Original poster

I think my life’s about to change drastically

36 replies

Finnia · 04/10/2023 17:44

Name changed. I’m so scared and panicking because my life might never be the same again one week from now.

I’m engaged and pregnant. Three weeks ago I felt like I’m on the top of the world, I was so incredibly happy. But then I went to an early pregnancy scan which implied that the pregnancy might have stopped developing at 5 weeks. I’m supposed to go for a rescan early next week.
If this pregnancy fails, I don’t think I could do it all again. I’m 40 and it took me a long time to conceive, it took its emotional toll. My partner (younger than me) is supportive but made it very clear that he can’t see a future for himself without kids. We discussed that if we end up being on different pages regarding trying to conceive, we’d have to end the relationship because it wouldn’t be fair on either one of us.

I’m feeling paralysed by the thought of how different my life might look like in only one weeks’ time. From engaged, pregnant and due to get married to being a single woman in her 40s and childless. It all depends on my next scan but I don’t even know how I can find the courage to go there, knowing how much is at stake.

I don’t know why I’m posting or what sort of advice I’m hoping for. I’m usually good at coping with things, I got through relationship breakdowns and a miscarriage years ago, but this is a triple whammy because I will loose my pregnancy, my relationship and any hope of ever having a child at the same time.

How would you try to embrace a life that suddenly is fundamentally different than expected?

OP posts:
Firecarrier · 04/10/2023 17:54

I've no idea, but are you absolutely sure that your partner feels that strongly. I'm sorry but that really doesn't sound like 'genuine' love if so? You're not just a baby maker.

Just going from what you've said, you sound quite insecure in his affections towards you.

Hope all is well. 💐

canwetalkaboutcake · 04/10/2023 18:04

He would have to be a very cold and heartless person to leave his partner because she had a miscarriage and may not be able to have children.

My only advice (if it turns out the worst is happened) is not to make any immediate decisions regarding TTC, and put off thinking about it for a few months while you heal. Process your feelings and evaluate what you really want. Then you can have that conversation with a clearer head.

Original poster
Finnia · 04/10/2023 18:12

I’m pretty sure he couldn’t accept to not TTC again. His sister had a child at 43 so in his mind there’s still a lot of time for us. This might be true and I might well get pregnant again, but I just don’t want to put myself through TTC again plus the high risk of another miscarriage due to my age. Even if he’d decided to stay with me, I’d be worried that he will resent me. I think either way the relationship will be over because we’d end up on different pages and with different ideas for our future.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/10/2023 18:21

I really hope this pregnancy ends the way you want it to.

In terms of the ending of your relationship, there are other ways you can have a child - adoption, IVF, etc. Would your partner be open to this?

I knew I wanted children and so did my DH. Equally, I love him and would have been open to alternatives if natural conception wasn’t to be for us. If he would have left me after a miscarriage, he wouldn’t have been someone I’d want to be with.

Original poster
Finnia · 04/10/2023 18:25

He’s not open to adoption, and I’m not open to IVF (he would be, but it’s just not for me. It’s not something I could put myself through physically or emotionally).

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 04/10/2023 18:30

What did they say exactly at the scan?
How many weeks are you?
Was this a so-called "reassurance" scan?

longtompot · 04/10/2023 18:32

It would be very hard to do this, I know I would really struggle, but until you actually know what is shown on the next scan you won't know anything for sure, and I would try really hard not to stress yourself over maybes.
Have you both spoken about what will happen if this pregnancy isn't viable? I know you said he is very much wanting a child, but is he really willing to not stay with you if there is no baby?
I really hope you get some good news from your scan💐

AnotherCountryMummy · 04/10/2023 18:32

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, OP. Wishing you the very best of luck for your next scan.

Between now and then, I'd try and take tiny baby steps, moment by moment and try not to get caught up in panicking over the 'what-ifs' because stress is not good for you right now.

Can you try talking to your partner about how scared you are? Surely he'll be extremely supportive.

All the best, again.

Original poster
Finnia · 04/10/2023 18:40

Yes, it was supposed to be a reassurance scan, just that it did the opposite. I should have been close to 7 weeks but there was no Fetal pole. The sonographer said that my dates might be off and that according to the scan I’m about 5 - 5.5 weeks. But I’m very sure about my ovulation date. Also all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared around 5.5 weeks. Im pretty sure there’s no hope 😔 My partner tried to console me by saying that we can try again, but I don’t feel emotionally up for that.

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 04/10/2023 18:47

Oh OP, I’m sorry. I’m guessing this was a private early scan? Did they refer you to the hospital; or did you refer yourself? Will it definitely be a week long wait? That feels brutally long.

I’d advise giving yourself some grace here. You don’t need to decide next steps yet; you can let this set and grieve and then deal with what it means for your life and relationship, if it doesn’t go the way you hope. It feels harsh of your partner to be telling you that no baby = no relationship at this particular time…

I very much hope this ends the way you’d like it to x

JudgeRudy · 04/10/2023 18:49

This sounds extremely stressful for you and I can feel your panic. It really does sound like you could end up with all or nothing and all you can do is wait.
For those that are saying your partner is hearless I'm not so sure. What I do think is odd though is that you're recently engaged, presumably to marry. It can't be a shock to him that a 40 year old woman might not be able to give him what he wants in terms of a family yet he asked you to be his wife. Is the marriage more of a formality because you're pregnant. I'd definitely be holding back on marriage.
Of course this could all go the way you hoped and you could be a new mum soon with a wonderful fiancee but I'd be asking myself how it got this far without him truly being committed to you.
You need to go to this appointment and he should come with you.
Good luck

Gazelda · 04/10/2023 18:50

OP, one thing at a time.

Try to get through today.

And then again tomorrow.

Think about who you want to go to the scan with you.
Think about who you can talk with (apart from your partner) if the scan reveals your worst fears.

Get those two plans in place and then concentrate on resting, sleeping, being as stress free as possible. Maybe go stay with a friend or family for a couple of days. Distract yourself. Look after yourself.

Don't spend the next few days before the scan arguing and worrying and being distressed about 'what if'.

One step at a time.

AllrightNowBaby · 04/10/2023 18:57

Sonographers can be wrong….
They told my sister who was pregnant with twins that she had Twin to twin syndrome, meaning one twin would die.
She didn’t……they both lived, fit and healthy.
Until you know anything for definite, try to stop worrying too much.,

TheShellBeach · 04/10/2023 18:57

Private early scans are frequently wrong.
There are endless numbers of threads on here on the subject.
Dates can be out in the early stages. I wouldn't give up the ghost just yet.

toadasoda · 04/10/2023 19:06

OP I'm so sorry, I've been there. One step at a time, one loss at a time. You don't know how your OH will feel, you don't know how you will feel. I think you are panicking and putting all your eggs in one basket, your entire life does not depend on this foetus. Fwiw I swore I couldn't do IVF, it was too much, I did it anyway and when it didn't work I was in tears saying I couldn't do it again, but I did and thankfully worked for me. You don't know where you will be emotionally in the future and you'd be amazed how your perspective can change over time. I really hope this isn't bad news but if it is, you will be gutted but you will be OK, give yourself time to grieve. See where your head is at in a few months time.

Original poster
Finnia · 04/10/2023 19:10

Thanks all. I’m not really blaming my partner…he did say from the beginning of our relationship that he wants children. I was on the fence to begin with and told him so, and also said that I’d not have children before being at least 2+ years in a relationship, that’s not something I’d rush into. But after 3 years I really started to feel ready for children and very comfortable in the relationship, so we started trying, and later on also got engaged because we both wanted this future and a family together.

OP posts:
WhichEllie · 04/10/2023 19:34

I agree with others that you need to take it one step at a time and not get ahead of yourself. It’s quite likely that things will turn out fine at the next scan. I was concerned when I read your OP that your partner was viewing this pregnancy as make or break, but reading your follow-up posts it sounds like he is happy to try again. If you decide that you don’t want to or don’t want children after all that is completely fine. It is okay to decide that and end the relationship on amicable terms because you want different things. It is also possible that, if the worst does happen, you will feel differently about trying again in a few months.

One step, one day at a time, and cross each bridge as you come to it. You can handle this. 💐

StarDolphins · 04/10/2023 19:51

Oh op, I can feel the stress in your post, you poor thing. I would say if the worst does happen (& it might not) don’t rush into a decision either way.

I never wanted children…until I reached 40! My Bf agreed to try but I miscarried at 6 weeks. I was the one that wanted to try again & few months in he was started saying if it doesn’t happen this month let’s leave it & accept it’s not meant to be. I remember feeling panic just like you, felt like a ticking time bomb & so much pressure that if I didn’t get pregnant, that was it - I was old & my bf wasn’t on the same page. It was the most awful time for me.

I hope everything works out for you, I really do.

Lastchancechica · 04/10/2023 20:07

Early scans are really unreliable.
I am sorry it has created so much worry.
You need to take extra steps to look after yourself and not allow your stress levels get too high at this point.

I don’t agree that you should need to have dc to stay together, it’s not an ultimatum I would ever be comfortable with - it’s too conditional, but just take care of you op.

Cowlover89 · 04/10/2023 20:10

I hope it works out for you x

tara66 · 04/10/2023 20:52

Google says fetal pole is sometimes not visible till 9 weeks.

Dolly567 · 04/10/2023 21:07

Did they give you any more info on the scan? It's very early on
Praying they are wrong for you both.

Dolly567 · 04/10/2023 21:08

Sorry just seen you've already put all the details

BHRK · 04/10/2023 21:11

Try not to panic
try not to rule out TTC again.. many women do indeed have babies in their 40s. I did
take deep breaths, maybe try and speak to a counsellor to help you through the next month or two?

OrangesLemonsLimes · 04/10/2023 21:15

You seem a bit insecure in this relationship and it’s difficult to judge from your OP whether your fiancé would end it if children were not forthcoming, or whether you think that he would and you’re actually barking up the wrong tree.

I really think that you need to discuss it with him because if his commitment to you is conditional on 2.5 children and a picket fence idyll, it’s a bit of a worrying sign.

Good luck with the scan.