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Original poster

Adjusting to male attention after weight loss?

27 replies

mollscat · 04/10/2023 15:29

In the past 18 months I have lost a lot of weight and am now in my mid 40's the fittest and most shapely I have been since my teens. I lost the weight 75lbs pretty slowly and it was only really this summer that I started to wear clothes in my new size and more fitted not skin tight or anything just to show my shape a bit.

In many ways it has been really nice feeling a bit more confident since losing weight and being able to wear some nice clothes for once in my life but I had assumed that in my mid 40's even if I lost weight men wouldn't really notice me due to being older. However I was wrong about that. I did lose weight briefly (quickly put it all back on in my mid 20's) and I really noticed going from invisible or even contemptible to men suddenly trying to chat me up or even harassing me. I wouldn't say it was the reason I gained weight again but I really hated the attention and one bonus of being fat is that I felt I could go about my life in a little bubble and nobody really noticed me.

Again I haven't really had to deal with this before in my adult life, I have been with my partner since I was 16 and we are very happy together so I am not looking for male attention either. Its just things like walking the dog this summer on the same trail I've walked for years and suddenly men never bothered to even say hello before are now striking up conversations, smiling and asking about my personal life, on the train men start chatting, asking what I am reading, where I am off to, never happened before, in the supermarket, library or the street they look and smile (I know this doesn't sound to bad but I'm not used to it at all).

I did go out with my partners sister to a night out recently when one of her friends dropped out and again I felt like men were up my humph the whole night although I can't really compare because I haven't done nights out in decades and so perhaps that is just normal. My partners sister was joking after saying DP would have to "put a ring on it" because the men were all over me. We do plan to get married next year actually.

I feel now that when I am going out I am reaching for my old baggy clothes that are now to big just cover myself up, I am not really a make up person anyway but I just hate to feel like I am attracting attention to myself. I want to feel fit and look nice for myself but I just want to be left alone. I should feel so happy with everything I have achieved but I end up feeling like I want to hide away and I don't want to feel that way. I know many women including confident bigger women have always dealt with this but it is so disconcerting to suddenly be dealing with what feels like a lot of male attention in my 40's.

OP posts:
GreenClock · 04/10/2023 20:59

Yes and it’s not just men. People in general treat you differently and react to you differently.

By “differently”, I mean “better” needless to say.

wafflingworrier · 04/10/2023 21:04

Every time it makes you feel uncomfortable get used to repeating the reasons why you lost the weight back to yourself so you don't get tempted to put weight on again to stop feeling bad.
You are investing in your future health, well bloody done for loosing the weight.
I'm sorry we live in a messed up world.

DaughterNo2 · 04/10/2023 21:06

What weight / size are you now?

Original poster
mollscat · 04/10/2023 21:44

@DaughterNo2 I am a size 12 now

OP posts:
Original poster
mollscat · 04/10/2023 21:47

@GreenClock Yes I have noticed this too, like even with my partners sister, no way would she have invited me out when I was bigger. Its like I used to be invisible and in many ways I think I liked that.

@wafflingworrier Thank you you are right I really don't want to regain the weight I have lost, it feels so good to be able to walk up hill without feeling like I am dying or to fit comfortably into theatre seats now, I just need to hold on to that and remember it when the other things are making me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 04/10/2023 21:51

I’m sorry, but the expression “up my humph’ is my new favourite thing.

Congratulations on your new healthy self. Remember your reasons and enjoy feeling well. As far as the male attention goes, meh. They’re just noise <waves hand dismissively>

FlamMabel · 04/10/2023 22:02

OP, are you me?! I'm in the exact same position. I was confident fat and am confident less fat too. But now people give me the time of day, I've been invited to things by people I've known for over a decade, people stop me to chat. Lots of people commenting on what I look like (seriously every single day, I would love to know if this is the norm because honestly it's getting on my tits, stop monitoring me?!?).
I have various personal issues about the weight loss that makes it hard to deal with and I often wish I was invisible again.

coxesorangepippin · 04/10/2023 22:10

Yup.

At a size 10, everything I say is gospel. At a size 16 I'm just dismissed.

By men and women.

Original poster
mollscat · 04/10/2023 22:19

@LunaNorth Lol, glad you like it, felt like the best way to phrase what was happening! Yeah don't take the attention seriously or anything it just feels a bit intrusive. But yes I will just keep focusing on the positive side of things!

@FlamMabel I think it might be a common experience of losing weight, but it isn't spoken about that much, it is disturbing to experience it first hand especially after decades of being invisible. I wasn't especially confident in my appearance when I was bigger but now feel inhibited by other people's reaction to me, like you say there are issues that come up. I might look into seeing a therapist or something just to get my head round it all and so I don't go back the way!

@coxesorangepippin Its very eye opening isn't it? When you are fat you really are treated as a second class person by many people.

OP posts:
clementinejuiceforxmas · 04/10/2023 22:26

See a therapist if you can afford it.
I hated it tbh and am now fat again. I wish I'd kept it off though

Original poster
mollscat · 04/10/2023 22:28

@clementinejuiceforxmas I'm sorry to hear that but I also understand, I'll look into it for sure. Wishing you well too!

OP posts:
nobodysdaughternow · 04/10/2023 22:45

It is crazy that this is a thing, isn't it?

I feel like I even notice myself more when I'm slim, which is pure lunacy Grin

CatrinVennastin · 04/10/2023 22:50

I’ve had this too OP.

I just keep focused on my health and try to ignore the twats.

”up my humph” though is just so spot on 😂

CancertheCrab · 04/10/2023 22:51

I don't necessarily think it is weight loss, but I think make attention goes up at this time of life.

I put it down to a certain attitude in men who think a woman in her 40s/50s is going to have low self esteem and be easily flattered.

I have had more harassment at this time of life than any other, and many of my friends are in the same boat.

Many men don't seem to expect, or be prepared to accept a "no" from women of our age

aurynne · 04/10/2023 23:43

It really is not that hard to understand, regardless whether it is fair or not.

People like to look at nice things, including other human beings. When you choose something to display in your home, you don't go for an ugly thing "because ugly things have the right to be there too". I know human beings are not "things", but to our subconscious it is another pretty/not pretty thing to look at, and pretty things make us smile and feel better.

And also regardless whether it is politically corect or not, the majority of times the same person looks "prettier" when they are a healthy weight than when they are overweight/obese.

What really surprises me is not that people notice you more when you look healthier and prettier, what concerns me is that you feel "uncomfortable" when people treat you well, and prefer to be ignored or even avoided. This says nothing about other people, and a lot about how you feel about yourself, and your self-worth.

StarryStarryNightColours · 04/10/2023 23:51

Being slim really does make a difference to many men. Issue is most people, who we ever talk to about weight are also women.

I used to work in a place that was 90% men and they would sometimes forget I was a woman. Heard a lot of stuff that was unpleasant accidentally including them talk about women’s weight.

GarlicGrace · 04/10/2023 23:58

Hard disagree, @aurynne. After I lost weight at around 40, male attention harassment ballooned to a ridiculous level and lots of people I knew quite well said they hadn't recognised me. I'd lost two stone, not had a face transplant! I'm quite tall, this wasn't even a drastic change - just a moderate overall shrinkage.

It was a terrible shock to realise several people, who I thought knew me, had never seen beyond my body size. I learned the world is a fuck-ton more shallow than I'd given it credit for. Extremely disappointing!

At that age I was very capable of putting down male catcallers, grabbers and followers. They sure as hell weren't flattering, though no doubt they thought they were. It was harder to deal with the endless comments from friends & colleagues - you suddenly see the world actually does judge women according to some scale of thinness, and feels entitled to let you know you have achieved a higher rating. They meant well, but what the fuck??!

Original poster
mollscat · 05/10/2023 00:18

CancertheCrab · 04/10/2023 22:51

I don't necessarily think it is weight loss, but I think make attention goes up at this time of life.

I put it down to a certain attitude in men who think a woman in her 40s/50s is going to have low self esteem and be easily flattered.

I have had more harassment at this time of life than any other, and many of my friends are in the same boat.

Many men don't seem to expect, or be prepared to accept a "no" from women of our age

Perhaps that is true for some but I was a 40 something 18, 12 and 6 months ago and didn't get any attention at all, it's almost certainly down to weight loss in my case anyway and it mirrors my experience in my 20s when I briefly lost weight. However I know the attention is meaningless and I'm just another "potential shag" to these men and not something I put any value on, except perhaps a negative value. Its just annoying that some men seem to think them noticing you is some kind of honour you should be grateful for.

OP posts:
Original poster
mollscat · 05/10/2023 00:21

@StarryStarryNightColours I know it does make a difference in if they are attracted to a woman or not but they should keep their opinions to themselves I think. I didn't want their attention fat or slim.

OP posts:
Original poster
mollscat · 05/10/2023 00:24

@GarlicGrace Thanks for that post, it is very much my experience also, it's very sad indeed.

OP posts:
aurynne · 05/10/2023 01:00

GarlicGrace · 04/10/2023 23:58

Hard disagree, @aurynne. After I lost weight at around 40, male attention harassment ballooned to a ridiculous level and lots of people I knew quite well said they hadn't recognised me. I'd lost two stone, not had a face transplant! I'm quite tall, this wasn't even a drastic change - just a moderate overall shrinkage.

It was a terrible shock to realise several people, who I thought knew me, had never seen beyond my body size. I learned the world is a fuck-ton more shallow than I'd given it credit for. Extremely disappointing!

At that age I was very capable of putting down male catcallers, grabbers and followers. They sure as hell weren't flattering, though no doubt they thought they were. It was harder to deal with the endless comments from friends & colleagues - you suddenly see the world actually does judge women according to some scale of thinness, and feels entitled to let you know you have achieved a higher rating. They meant well, but what the fuck??!

So how exactly is your post disagreeing with mine?

aurynne · 05/10/2023 01:04

I also pay zero attention to obese men, to be honest, unless I need to talk to them for a specific reason. I don't look at them on the street or think "gosh, he is hot", as I do to attractive men on a healthy weight. The difference is, I am a woman so I also tend not to be rude, wolf-whistle or harass men for their looks, while it is a common occurrence the other way around. But I still do pay atention, and I pay attention to good-looking ones, because I like to look at nice things. I am sure unattractive men do notice my eyes don't linger on them at all, while I probably do stare at handsome men for longer. It is not fair, but I'm not going to stare at unattractive men for longer just to make them feel better.

Original poster
mollscat · 05/10/2023 01:47

@aurynne you are spectacularly missing the point of my post, I'm not unhappy that men didn't fancy me when I was fat, I don't care what they thought of me, I am annoyed at being harassed by men now.

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 05/10/2023 02:01

aurynne · 05/10/2023 01:00

So how exactly is your post disagreeing with mine?

Show quote history

Because I think it isn't about looking "nice" as much as being seen to comply with a value system that grades women according to size - smaller scoring more points. I wasn't ugly before losing weight, and I don't suppose OP was either.

I can't speak for @mollscat but my discomfort wasn't about being treated better. It was with [a] being harassed by men, and [b] the discovery that people I'd known for ages graded me by body size. There's also the business with everyone commenting on it: it's intrusive and, to an extent, reduces you to a lump of flesh.

Personally, I'm low-key insulted that everyone's delighted when there is less of me! It's not the same as being happy that someone's improved their health by getting thinner and/or fitter; I was neither obese nor unfit. Even when a person had been obese before, the comments are still not about health. I know "There's so much less of you!" is a compliment to some, but how weird is that when you think about it?

MariaAshley · 05/10/2023 02:52

aurynne · 04/10/2023 23:43

It really is not that hard to understand, regardless whether it is fair or not.

People like to look at nice things, including other human beings. When you choose something to display in your home, you don't go for an ugly thing "because ugly things have the right to be there too". I know human beings are not "things", but to our subconscious it is another pretty/not pretty thing to look at, and pretty things make us smile and feel better.

And also regardless whether it is politically corect or not, the majority of times the same person looks "prettier" when they are a healthy weight than when they are overweight/obese.

What really surprises me is not that people notice you more when you look healthier and prettier, what concerns me is that you feel "uncomfortable" when people treat you well, and prefer to be ignored or even avoided. This says nothing about other people, and a lot about how you feel about yourself, and your self-worth.

It makes you feel uncomfortable because you know it's fake. If those men were nice, kind, decent people they'd treat you well regardless of how you looked. So when they appear to have a personality change that coincides with you getting prettier, you know it's totally fake and they're not all that nice, kind or decent at all. They're only doing it (taking an interest in you) for what they can/hope/wish they'll get out of it. Even if that something is as harmless as talking to a pretty woman, an ego boost that someone pretty gave them the time of day. Obviously with strangers you don't know what their true motives are but with people you know, it says something about them I think when they change their attitude towards you based on how you look.