Trigger warning - friend discussed feeling suicidal

[bigNewname]

Hello, can I ask for some input? I was with a close friend yesterday and got to talking about her failed relationship and lack of success on dating apps and how lonely she feels. She mentioned in a casual sort of way, that she would be tempted to end her life if not for her daughter. When we discussed it, she said that it seems logical to her to end her life when her daughter leaves home, and that there is no other reason for her to be here. She is lonely and tired of her life.

I have recently lost a family member to suicide and became very panicked and upset, which maybe was not the best response but I couldn't help it. I tried very hard not to ask her to promise me she wouldn't kill herself but possibly I came close to it. We both got very upset during the conversation.

I don't believe she is likely to do anything drastic right now, but I didn't believe my family member was suicidal until he committed suicide.

What is the best thing to do here? I am aware that people do experience these feelings without acting on them, and also that my feelings around this issue right now are high. What would you do if you were me? And if you have ever discussed these sorts of things with a friend, what did you hope would happen?

Thank you

Oh it's no wonder you're upset! So very sorry to hear this. I'll try and say just a couple of things but hopefully lots of other people will have helpful things to say too.

Firstly I think it's immensely good that she's confided in you. It means she trusts you and feels close to you. It's most certainly a burden for you (and you might want ongoing help for carrying that burden) but for her, however bleak she is genuinely feeling now, the fact that she has you in her life is a good thing.

Secondly the fact that she is saying clearly (I hope it is clear to her and true for her) that she would not do anything until her child grows is also of great value. Feelings do change and a source of loneliness and depression and even despair can actually transform over years into something else, by which I mean over the years she may well learn to love herself better and even value her independence and space.

All you can do is hang in there with her OP and also not take too much responsibility on yourself, discuss options if possible, just because the cause is lack of relationship doesn't mean anti-depressants or therapy wouldn't help her.

You're a good friend to her. I'm also very sorry to note you've lost a family member to suicide recently, that's horrible and you must be feeling pretty vulnerable yourself.

Take care of yourself OP. Hugs.

@heldinadream thank you for your very kind and compassionate response which has me crying (again) but makes sense. I can't stop thinking about how my BiL maybe had no one to say those words to, and what would have happened if he had, and also what do I do with this now? I am not a MH professional, I can't assess this objectively.

I have urged her to go back into therapy or back on anti-anxiety meds which she used to take. I feel like I want to confide in a mutual friend but that also seems gossipy, and maybe like a betryal of trust.

I appreciate your reponse, thank you

It's good she was able to talk about it with you. What I will say is that thoughts of suicide are actually quite common, way more common than most people may initially think. Actually acting on those thoughts is much, much rarer.

It must be very difficult for you to hear after losing someone to suicide so make sure you look after yourself too. Things you could say to her are (but only if you feel able to) "Please talk to me if you are having these feelings" or "If you find yourself making a suicide plan, please tell me" or if she has made a plan "How specific is your plan?" Research shows it can be helpful to ask these questions and asking about it doesn't increase a person's likelihood of taking their own life.

You could also send her some resources if she doesn't have them.

She can call The Samaritans for free for emotional support 24 hrs a day on 116 123 or email [email protected]

Or if she's in crisis or feeling unable to cope she can text SHOUT to 85258.

OP, if you want to talk things through with someone yourself you can call The Samaritans too. They are there to support you as well and may help having a neutral listening ear from an outside party rather than feeling like you're "gossiping".

Such a good idea. OP definitely needs to talk too, I was reluctant to suggest counselling because bloody hell it's all more money and stress but this is such a good shout @bigNewname

@ThreeRingCircus thank you. We sort of left it with me blubbing that she had to promise to call me if she ever felt tempted to act on her feelings, and she did promise. Possibly to just end was a really emotional conversation. Is this something that I should bring up again, and ask if she needs support with, or is best to leave it?

I think she was horrified when she realised what she had said, when my family member's suicide is so recent, and wanted to end the conversation.

I can access some sort of free counselling/ MH support through my work. I think that's a good idea actually

I think she was horrified when she realised what she had said, when my family member's suicide is so recent, and wanted to end the conversation.

Might be an idea to pop a nice card in the post telling her you're ok and that you're glad she confided in you and you're there for her (or whatever). I suggest a card because it's got that bit of distance but also she can look at it and remind herself that you're there.

I think I would want to know if she genuinely needs support or if it was a throwaway comment said in the heat of the moment because she had a bad day. If it’s the former, then I think advise her to seek professional support and tell her you’re there for her. But also don’t let this impact you too much - it can be very hard being the go-to friend, if you’re not careful these situations can become something of a full time job!

I tried to take my life 7 weeks ago.

I'd confided in a friend the day before that it was bad and I feel awful that I did, but they have been amazing. They've told me in all honesty that they think it was a cry for help and that I didn't want to end it and that's why I told them. I'm not sure.

But thank you for listening to them.

My friends have listened, they've just sat with me, and they've checked in with me daily for the last few weeks.

I know it's a drain for them and that I worry about the stress it puts them/you under.

I think it's a genuine feeling, she does have MH difficulties (anxiety and depression, nothing that every felt scary to me before, if that makes sense). It is impacting me more because of my recent experience I suppose. There is a big 'what if' in the back of my mind.

I think I will try and get a phone session with a free counsellor, and also just be there for my friend I guess. Maybe tell her that I'm still always here for her. I want her to go to counselling, I would feel safer if she had more support in place. But that is obviously not up to me

@Iguessyourestuckwithme I'm really glad you didn't. The world is better with you in it.

I don't want my friend to feel embarrassed or that she's draining me, I would rather help her than lose her. A million times over, and I'm sure your friends feel the same way about you.

Can I ask - when you reached out to your friends, was there anything they said or did that helped you?

Perhaps she just feels that she has had enough of life and there is little excitement? Does she have much family, friends, things to look forward to? Not necessarily a partner.
Would she be interested in going on holiday with you for example? I mean I am really not trying to be flippant and don't suggest that this solves all her problems. But I am sort of in her shoes with no family either and things can sometimes look very bleak. I have a group of old friends though and we are planning our 50ths now and what we will do - little things like that keep me going. Perhaps if you suggest something the two of you could do together it might help?

Hi OP you might find this free suicide prevention training helpful:

https://zerosuicidealliance.com/training

it is fairly quick and all online so you can just click through to it straightaway if you like.

What would you do if you were me?

I would encourage my friend to seek professional support. And I would secretly be pissed off at having that dumped on me after having personal experience.

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity I'm sorry that you're feeling bleak, I can understand that sometimes feeling like you have had enough is a valid feeling. She said that she is tired of always having to provide self care without anyone to care for her. She is tired of having no one to share joy with. Those emotions are so relatable, but there is obviously more to it.

I think I am really holding back from trying to 'problem solve' in any way. It sounds mean but I don't have it in me to provide excitment and structure in the way that offering a holiday or something big like that would. I can offer walks, talks, company, cups of coffee, some meals at my house, the occassional night out, I'm a good listener, maybe a spa day, but that's it. I can't do more really. My logical mind knows that is enough, that is what friends do. My worried mind is worried!

I'm shaken but not pissed off

@bigNewname am sending you a private message

I would also question why she had told me due to the fact you recently lost someone. I am so sorry OP. I would urge her to seek professional help, tell her to go to A and E if she is planning on acting on it, and then spend time being very gentle with myself.

@bigNewname I can tell that you're a good person and that you care about your friend just from the way you write, so the decisions you make will be the right ones. Trust your instincts.

I would reiterate that you're there for her.
I would check in with her and see how she's doing.
I'd also make sure you prioritise yourself and speak to someone. Not just about your friend, losing your family member is a huge thing and it's ok to need to talk it through.

@Iguessyourestuckwithme huge hugs to you. Your friends care about you and will want to help. Let them. I'm glad you spoke to someone and I hope you're getting support.

Keep going. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time.

I’m sorry for your recent loss, and also that you are worried about your friend. I was impacted by 2 losses by suicide last year within six weeks of each other - one a family member and one a client that I was close to and felt responsible for. Through work several team members attended a mental health first aid course and whilst it was tough to sit and discuss it I found it helpful to have practical suggestions how to handle discussions around mental health.
I would say you did a wonderful job - you assessed the risk of immediate harm, you gave her space to talk, you are thinking about how to support her and what sources of external help you can direct her to. We were given a little prompt card to carry around about the mnemonic ALGEE - assess the situation, listen without judgement, give support and information, encourage professional help, encourage other supports. On the reverse it has all the crisis contact numbers. If you would find that helpful (or doing the course) then details from https://mhfaengland.org/

I don’t know how old you and your friend are but papyrus have a hopeline that offers support for people who are worried about a suicidal person as well as direct support for suicidal people. Their focus is on preventing suicide in people under 35. They may be a good resource for you and your friend.

When someone talks about suicidal feelings, the best thing to do is just to listen and to accept that their feelings are legitimate. Talking about it is so much better than not.
If possible, try to keep your own emotions out of the conversation.
You could also encourage your friend to contact a helpline such as Samaritans or Shout.

There were some different approaches that helped me

1 friend said she didn't know what to say but was there to listen and I just sat on my couch in my own world and she sat on the other couch and read, bringing us tea non expectantly. This was a couple of hours later. Same friend invited me on dog walks so it was easier to talk or not.

1 friend literally was talking me down in the moment and she's been checking in on me daily but not in a bugging way

Others have text just because over the last few weeks so I know they're there. They've sent encouraging messages and let me open up to them.

My way of dealing is to joke about it so they listened to some macabre jokes in the early days when I still very much didn't want to be there.

They've encouraged me to rest but also been around if I want to just get a coffee (I can only really do 1 thing a day at the moment)

Another friend came to meetings with the mental health team as she was able to advocate for me or to fill in blanks or say any differences that they'd noticed that I didn't want to mention etc.

They've all been kind, they've all been worried but they've all listened and let me know I don't have to talk and filled me in on small talk so I could think about anything but me. They've checked in daily, they've encouraged me to rest and not over do things but understand that I might need to get out the house away from thoughts so go on walks or a potter in the local area but with no expectations on me.

It's hard on them and I am aware of that but I also know I would do the same for them even if I feel a burden and that I'm taking up their time.

Look after yourself too.