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Original poster

[content warning: baby loss] What to give my cousin on her due date who lost baby

34 replies

HiCandles · 04/10/2023 12:56

Hi all,
My cousin who I'm fairly close to very sadly lost her baby during pregnancy. They were given very bad news after going for a growth scan which hadn't been spotted before and they made the decision to terminate. I say decision but it sounds pretty clear cut that baby wasn't give any chance of survival.
I sent flowers when it first happened but the due date is coming up soon and I was thinking about sending something to mark it and let her know I'm thinking of her.
I am also pregnant which she knows and she has not been replying to messages very much, less than normal, which I totally understand and will just keep checking in occasionally and leave it to her when she feels ready to be in contact again.

Any suggestions? Just a card? Gift of some sort? Just a message?
I really don't want to make things harder for her by reminding her of me/my pregnancy but I do feel she'd appreciate some kind of acknowledgement. I'm sure some of you have been in her position and can hopefully advise on the kindest thing to do.

Thanks!

[Title edited by MNHQ to include content warning at OP's request]

OP posts:
minipie · 04/10/2023 12:58

I would send a message saying Thinking of you today xx or along those lines .

Original poster
HiCandles · 04/10/2023 12:59

Just to say I realised I should have added a trigger warning for baby loss in the title, I've reported and asked for it to be added. Sorry.

OP posts:
minipie · 04/10/2023 12:59

Ps nice of you to remember.

Namechangedforspooky · 04/10/2023 12:59

I personally wouldn’t have wanted anything to remind me of any of my due dates. Maybe just a text on the day to let her know you’re thinking about her.

JamieJ93 · 04/10/2023 13:01

Just give her a text. Just to let her know you are thinking of her and maybe offer her some support that day if she would need to talk to someone ( no pressure though) xx

aintnospringchicken · 04/10/2023 13:03

If you want to do something just sent a simple text saying "thinking of you"
A close friend of mine lost her baby in the early stages of pregnancy and on the due date I sent her a message with the hug emoji,no words.
She told me later she really appreciated that I was thinking of her.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 04/10/2023 13:04

My DSIl did this for me ( sent flowers and a card) and although I know she meant well it set my recovery back and made me useless at work for the rest of the day and made me sad for a week. I know everyone grieves differently though.

ScottBakula · 04/10/2023 13:05

Personally I don't think you should send anything on the day.
However a card delivered a week or so before with
'If you need to talk' ,,

'when you are ready to talk' ,
'is there anything I can do?'

Would be more appropriate, leave the ball in her court as to if and when she wants to timber the day in some particular way.

ExcitingRicotta · 04/10/2023 13:05

Maybe a nice candle? Not celebratory like flowers.

YokoOnosBigHat · 04/10/2023 13:06

My best friend had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. On her due date I just sent her a simple card saying I loved her and was thinking of her. I was in two minds as to whether to do it at the time but I know that she really appreciated it.

TimeToStopLurking · 04/10/2023 13:09

I've been in your cousin's shoes. My best friend sent me a hanging pot plant called 'string of hearts' through the post with a card 'to remember baby by'. It meant a lot and I really appreciated that she took time to send such a thoughtful present. I didn't want to forget my baby and I still have the plant and it still brings me comfort with its heart shaped leaves

CinnamonBear · 04/10/2023 13:14

I've sent texts staying that I love them and are thinking of them.

I think presents are tricky one situations like these. It's just another thing to take care of/think about.

Olika · 04/10/2023 13:16

I agree just a text is better than sending something. It's a painful day for her and though you mean good it might be actually making things worse.

TakeMe2Insanity · 04/10/2023 13:17

Send a text saying you are thinking about her and maybe ask if she’d like to go for a walk and a coffee.

ilovemydogmore · 04/10/2023 13:17

Namechangedforspooky · 04/10/2023 12:59

I personally wouldn’t have wanted anything to remind me of any of my due dates. Maybe just a text on the day to let her know you’re thinking about her.

Same. I really hate fuss from others in difficult moments, I just want to be left to deal with it on my own or with my husband. A text saying thinking of you, with no need for a response would be kind and enough I think.

Mrsjayy · 04/10/2023 13:18

minipie · 04/10/2023 12:58

I would send a message saying Thinking of you today xx or along those lines .

Yeah this Is what I would do, I'd feel awkward sending something I would feel like I was intruding on their grief.

Glorifried · 04/10/2023 13:18

Although I think it's nice of you to suggest it, I am sorry but having been through it, you are probably the last person she wants to hear from in relation to this.

You need to give her lots of time and space, it's so hard when this happens and it's nothing you've done wrong (obviously), but you're a reminder of what could have been.

Time helps.

DreamItDoIt · 04/10/2023 13:20

You know your cousin OP - are you sure she will appreciate this? If so then perhaps see if she wants to meet for coffee?

I would add that I had a similar thing, my Mother called me on an anniversary if something sad, it actually hadn't crossed my mind and just reminded me about it, which I didn't need tbh. It didn't help that she didn't 'read the room' when it was clear I didn't get what she was calling about :-(

DuploTrain · 04/10/2023 13:21

Just a text I think would be most thoughtful.

I think a card/present is difficult.. it might not land well.

Thesearmsofmine · 04/10/2023 13:24

I would send a card, more personal than a text and can be kept if she wishes. You can get some beautiful thinking of you type cards.

PinkRoses1245 · 04/10/2023 13:26

I agree with others, a card or text is fine. She may not want to think of the due date in a big way. And honestly, don't push it with her given you're pregnant. It's nothing personal, but I had a miscarriage recently and have just had to pull away from friends who are pregnant, to protect my own head.

Original poster
HiCandles · 04/10/2023 13:35

Thanks for all the views. It seems like most people feel a gift would be too much although realise others have appreciated one. Unfortunately we can't meet up as we are at opposite ends of the country. A planned meetup a couple of months ago was obviously cancelled and I think I probably shouldn't suggest another until after my baby is born and probably until she does first tbh.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 04/10/2023 13:39

Your time. Nothing else.

justwantobeamum · 04/10/2023 13:41

I was recently in your cousins position and my due date has just passed. I specifically told no one to send me flowers or cards when it happened (hate them and just another thing to watch die) and I don’t like a fuss but none of my friends remembered my due date or sent messages so you should definitely let her know you’re thinking of her. I would have appreciated a card and candle I think. When I had my first miscarriage with my first pregnancy a few weeks befor Mother’s Day a friend sent me a card with a little bracelet on Mother’s Day, one of the nicest things anyone has done for me.