[content warning: baby loss] What to give my cousin on her due date who lost baby

[HiCandles]

Hi all,
My cousin who I'm fairly close to very sadly lost her baby during pregnancy. They were given very bad news after going for a growth scan which hadn't been spotted before and they made the decision to terminate. I say decision but it sounds pretty clear cut that baby wasn't give any chance of survival.
I sent flowers when it first happened but the due date is coming up soon and I was thinking about sending something to mark it and let her know I'm thinking of her.
I am also pregnant which she knows and she has not been replying to messages very much, less than normal, which I totally understand and will just keep checking in occasionally and leave it to her when she feels ready to be in contact again.

Any suggestions? Just a card? Gift of some sort? Just a message?
I really don't want to make things harder for her by reminding her of me/my pregnancy but I do feel she'd appreciate some kind of acknowledgement. I'm sure some of you have been in her position and can hopefully advise on the kindest thing to do.

Thanks!

[Title edited by MNHQ to include content warning at OP's request]

Having been through this several times, I'm sorry but I would have hated someone to send me something on my due date. I'd have found it both intrusive and insensitive. You don't need reminders.

Due date isn't even really a date - just an approximation of when your baby could have been born. The grief is a process - it is an unfixed time period, you have bad days and better days.

Obviously you mean well and you sound very caring, but tread carefully, I'd just make an effort to be there for your cousin, take her out for coffee or lunch be there to listen if she wants to talk about her loss or if she wants to talk about normal everyday stuff. (I hated people fussing and treating me as if they couldn't be normal around me, and contrary to popular belief I had no problem being around pregnant women, they weren't carrying my baby, in fact I found it upsetting that pregnant friends/family thought they had to avoid me)

I agree about sending a message, I got a few and it was appreciated that people were thinking of me. I wouldn’t have wanted a gift or card or anything.

What a lovely thought.

I can tell you what not to send: something that you would keep. Someone in my life keeps giving me things on the anniversary of a loved one's death, and I know they mean well but I now have a small collection of knickknacks that make me think of the person I lost, but more specifically their death, every time I look at them. I'd love to make this stop, but can't think of a way that won't cause offence.

Anyway, I'm sure a message or card would be adequate, but if you send something, flowers or something consumable would be best.

A text a few days before sounds the best. I would have hated cards and especially presents. It forces people to think about it, especially if it’s something you have to keep, or flowers and plants which will eventually die and you have to think about it all over again when you throw it out.

I'd send a short text:

Thinking of you
With love
Your name
X

If she texts back inviting a conversation then proceed but only if she wants it, every one is different

I'd also send a text, but send it a few days early saying thinking of you this week. For me, anniversaries are harder in the days before as you anticipate. There's a small sense of relief on the day.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to go with the message I think, it seems even cards can be the wrong thing so I think simple is best. All opinions much appreciated!

I just want to add that of course everyone is different and I can only talk from my own experience. I had a termination due to anomaly and I gave birth and held my child. A very wanted child. It was the biggest comfort to me that a couple of people remembered as I wasn't ready to forget. And for me being sent a plant (I love plants anyway) or indeed a candle with the child's name (I'm assuming the baby had a name) to open in the privacy of your own home was/is important to processing what happened.

My friend was also pregnant soon after and although I found it difficult, I think fear of seeing the baby/wondering whether I would hold it together was worse than the reality.

But reading this everyone is different. And loss is loss but a termination due to anomaly was really hard. I think she's lucky to have a friend like you who is thinking of her. Only you know her well enough to know how receptive she might be to a gift. All I can say is that it meant the world to me to be remembered as the first 'anniversaries' like due date, mother's day and birthday were the hardest and it's not easy to reach out and probably even harder if your best friend is pregnant.

There are also some lovely cards out there if you Google.

Good luck whatever you decide. x

I wouldn't do anything. Different I know but I certainly don't want any reminders of the day my husband died. It just brings it all back.