Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Going to uni just for the social aspects

44 replies

losenotloose · 03/10/2023 09:49

Would you be ok with this for your dc? Ds1 has shown no interest in going to university for a while saying he'd rather take a gap year and work or maybe an apprenticeship. Well now he's saying he wants to go but his reason is because his friends might. I did explain they might not end up at the same uni but he said he'll make new friends, he just wants the experience.

I'd be behind him if it wasn't for the fact his attendance at 6th form has been 70%, he refused to do work experience, missed one of his end of year mock exams because he forgot, won't even consider getting a Saturday job because "I'm doing my a levels". I just feel like we'll end up forking out thousands of pounds so he can delay growing up for a few more years. I just told him we haven't even looked at any universitys and he said I can just go on his behalf.

What would you think?!

OP posts:
witsend90 · 03/10/2023 10:00

@losenotloose are you sure your son isn't actually my son😂. Sounds very similar. We took him to uni visits and he applied to UCAS and got offers but did no work and crashed out of sixth form in the end. He only wanted to go to party and not grow up. Now he's lolling about at home, working out, Fort-niteing and barely looking for jobs or studying. Good luck with yours.

Khvdrt · 03/10/2023 10:01

Id play devils advocate and say that if that’s what he wants to do then fine but he needs to sort out applying himself and make the arrangements. If he comes to you for help then fine but you sit with him and explain what to do, NOT do it for him. I suspect he then won’t actually bother applying as he’s not motivated to go and if he doesn’t put effort into the application process with UCAS state text then he won’t get in anywhere anyway.
If he suddenly pulls himself together etc then great but I’d make it clear that he will need a job to help support himself too

Khvdrt · 03/10/2023 10:02

*statement

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Higher education
Khvdrt · 03/10/2023 10:04

Also to add if he’s missing exams and not attending sixth form he’s unlikely to get in anywhere but let him find that out rather than being the bad guy saying it won’t work. And definitely do not look at universities for him; I’d have laughed at him for that

CyberCritical · 03/10/2023 10:06

It's a very expensive way to get a few nights out. It was different when grants were available, fees were low and student loans on very good terms. I will freely admit that I got pissed more often than I showed up to lectures in first year but I didn't pay any uni fees.

Toddler101 · 03/10/2023 10:06

I'd say if he wants to go, I'd be more than happy to provide emotional support but the rest he'll have to do himself.

Chiaseedling · 03/10/2023 10:07

This was fine 30ish years ago when there wasn’t the debt associated with going to uni. It’s half the reason I went, but I did actually work there too (albeit not hard enough).
Can you afford to bankroll him as even on the highest maintenance loan he would possibly still need topping up, and if he would only receive the basic amount, you really do need to stump up even if he works.
I agree w the PP that I’d leave him to it, it’s a palaver to sort so that will tell if his heart is in it or not.

rainbowdoc · 03/10/2023 10:15

losenotloose · 03/10/2023 09:49

Would you be ok with this for your dc? Ds1 has shown no interest in going to university for a while saying he'd rather take a gap year and work or maybe an apprenticeship. Well now he's saying he wants to go but his reason is because his friends might. I did explain they might not end up at the same uni but he said he'll make new friends, he just wants the experience.

I'd be behind him if it wasn't for the fact his attendance at 6th form has been 70%, he refused to do work experience, missed one of his end of year mock exams because he forgot, won't even consider getting a Saturday job because "I'm doing my a levels". I just feel like we'll end up forking out thousands of pounds so he can delay growing up for a few more years. I just told him we haven't even looked at any universitys and he said I can just go on his behalf.

What would you think?!

What you don't want OP is for him to go to university, then drop out after the first year. At least 15K student debt and nothing to show for it! If he doesn't like Sixth form at the moment then he is unlikely to be able to motivate himself to do the work at university. Anyone can go to university now with unconditional offers, which I think is deeply unfair on the younger generation. It feels like most universities just sell courses to make money now, without any job prospects at the end. I'm no longer impressed when someone tells me they went to a 'Russel group' as it doesn't seem to mean much anymore. Probably much more money to be made now in the trades, especially with hard work and no debt!

Original poster
losenotloose · 03/10/2023 10:18

@witsend90 glad to know I'm not alone 🤣

I did tell him if he really wants to go he needs to find some unis he likes the look of, find out open days, grade requirements etc. He thinks I should do it all for him, and that I'm not being supportive.

It was obviously different when it was free but encouraging teenagers to get into thousands of pounds of debt for a laugh is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 03/10/2023 10:20

@rainbowdoc this is exactly how I feel about it. Not everyone is academic, and yet university is pushed down their throats like it's the only option. It's totally a business.

It's a shame because he's actually clever, did well in his GCSEs but he doesn't like studying

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 03/10/2023 10:21

Fine if he pays for it himself. A hard no if he expects a parental subsidy. Why is this even a question?

paranoidnamechanger · 03/10/2023 10:25

Does he realise that you’re expected to top-up his maintenance loan?

Tell him he’ll have to pay for the top-up himself (feasible if he takes a year out to work).

Needmorelego · 03/10/2023 10:26

No that's ridiculous. A waste of money and an insult to those who would be teaching him.

RoseBucket · 03/10/2023 10:28

He would have to do the leg work otherwise I wouldn’t be helping at all!

My daughter worked from when she was able to at 16 to save towards Uni and works all summer/Christmas (Uni placements makes term time work difficult) to save money.

Where is his work ethic!

Original poster
losenotloose · 03/10/2023 10:29

@paranoidnamechanger I don't think he cares, just thinks we're his parents and should support him.

OP posts:
MayIDestroyYou · 03/10/2023 10:30

There’s every chance that he’s just going through a lacklustre phase - and university might be the making of him. Might …

The pity of it is that if he only manages low grade A’ Levels he’s only likely to get into low grade universities - where he might party to his heart’s content but not leave with any worthwhile degree.

Still - he’s entitled to your moral support, at least. Tell him to crack on, and offer help when he asks for it. (But I’d be quietly investigating alternative routes at the same time, in case he changes his mind again.) Any debt he incurs will be his - and you would probably expect to be partially supporting him financially for a few years yet - so it should make little difference whether he goes to university or does something else.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 10:30

I wouldn't be looking at unis for him either.
I would make him take out student loans so he pays the cost. If he miraculously passes year 1 then I would consider helping contribute towards year 2 onwards.

Original poster
losenotloose · 03/10/2023 10:30

@RoseBucket unfortunately he seems to have none. I started working at 14 and my dh is an immigrant who came from nothing but has worked his way up to a senior position. It's pretty disappointing to be honest.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 10:33

If he can't be bothered to research unis then he's not mature enough to go. If you fall for his emotional blackmail then he's just going to pull that card every time.
Does he even do basic self care like laundry and cleaning at home ?

HippeePrincess · 03/10/2023 10:34

I’d make it very clear I wouldn’t support him financially or otherwise if he does this.
I’d also explain that by and large once you’ve had student finance you can’t get it again if later in life he wants to study something different.

Original poster
losenotloose · 03/10/2023 10:36

@BoohooWoohoo you are right. Yes I've started making him do his own laundry (sporadically) and he washes up, takes the rubbish out etc when asked. Not to try and shirk responsibility, but I don't think his friendship group help. They're all pretty spoilt stoner types

OP posts:
user1497207191 · 03/10/2023 10:36

The OP's son is exactly why a lot of lecturers and teaching staff at Unis despair at "modern day" students. They're expected to bend over backwards to accommodate lazy, undisciplined and unmotivated students. Uni is absolutely nothing like it used to be, exactly because of the OP's son. This is the sad reality of Blair's stupid 50% aspiration which has turned Unis into degree-factories.

The OP needs to let her son do it himself, i.e. the research, etc., she can't do it for him. She can be supportive and give him a gentle nudge in the right direction, i.e. general discussions about subject/career choices, maybe even look at a few Unis online together, but it's 100% up to him to prepare his Ucas application, personal statement, etc., - OP can review and suggest improvements (as should his sixth form tutors), but son has to actually get his arse into gear and do it in the first place.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink!

Cheeesus · 03/10/2023 10:37

Do you think he will get the grades to go?

You could make him get a job now, if he is annoying you.

mindutopia · 03/10/2023 10:40

Uni lecturer here. I do think that going to uni for the social aspects can be a really positive thing. Many students come in being not particularly academically motivated, find their tribe, explore things that may interest them, gain important life skills, and pop out the other side being pretty self-sufficient adults. I'd say actually my dh is probably one of those. He mostly came to uni to get away from a difficult home life and to party. He came out with some really key professional skills and with good lasting friendships and 4 years of independent living (1 of those abroad on a placement). He's a successful company director now of a profitable company he started from nothing in his mid-20s.

Just in my personal network, the people who have struggled to launch and are still living at home in sheds in their parents' gardens in their 30s are the ones who didn't go to uni. Obviously though, the question becomes one of - did they not launch because they didn't go to uni? Or did they not go to uni because they have parents who mollycoddled them and let them live in the shed for 10 years?

That said, if you want the social experience of uni and I think it can be a really positive one, you do need to do well enough to at least keep yourself in uni. You've got to show up to lectures, do the work, have some forward progression. For your ds, honestly I think a gap year of work/travel sounds like it would be really beneficial. It sounds like he needs to live a bit, find himself, figure out what his interests are. Friends often go their separate ways, even at the same uni, so I don't know that there is a benefit to rushing to follow friends, at the expense of going into a course he would enjoy and do well in.

Original poster
losenotloose · 03/10/2023 10:40

@user1497207191 totally agree

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread