Going to uni just for the social aspects

[losenotloose]

Would you be ok with this for your dc? Ds1 has shown no interest in going to university for a while saying he'd rather take a gap year and work or maybe an apprenticeship. Well now he's saying he wants to go but his reason is because his friends might. I did explain they might not end up at the same uni but he said he'll make new friends, he just wants the experience.

I'd be behind him if it wasn't for the fact his attendance at 6th form has been 70%, he refused to do work experience, missed one of his end of year mock exams because he forgot, won't even consider getting a Saturday job because "I'm doing my a levels". I just feel like we'll end up forking out thousands of pounds so he can delay growing up for a few more years. I just told him we haven't even looked at any universitys and he said I can just go on his behalf.

What would you think?!

Plenty of Unis have pretty low grade requirements once you come away from the RG ones and others towards the top of the league tables. Even Unis in the top 10/20 sometimes accept B and C grades through clearing, and many of the ex-poly Unis will accept Cs and Ds, some even accept 3 Ds for some degree courses! They basically need to accept low grades just to fill their courses (and their accommodation blocks!).

Still - he’s entitled to your moral support, at least.
No. He isn't.

All children should be able to look to their parents for moral support surely? Lots of people mess up in their youth but turn around later - it would be odd if their parents all turned their backs.

He doesn't like studying!!

Then no, he shouldn't go to uni.

Sounds like he needs to grow up - and fast.

If he thinks he wants to go to uni then he has to do all the work - searching for courses, looking for open days, writing his personal statement and applying. I bet he won't.

I#d also ask him hows he expects to fund it all, as you wopnl;t be contribuiting.

I'd also formalise the chores he does at home. He should be pulling his weight as an adult with cooking, etc.

Have you actually bluntly spelt it out to him that ,
You will not be supporting him to sit at home doing nothing and he will have to get a job and contribute to the household, or get off his butt, go and see unis, do a UCAS form, arrange student finance, a place to live etc.....and ask him how he feels about £40-50k of debt at the beginning of his adult life....to have the 'experience '

I think you and Dh need to repeat this on a loop until it sinks in.

I have teens and they know that they are not going to be supported by us for any course unless it is a serious one and they have good job prospects at the end of it to pay back the student loans.

We have always told them that we are getting older and near retirement so they need to make sensible choices for their financial future.
That means if they don't know what they want to do/study they should get into work/apprenticeships and try a few things until they work out what they DO want , then go to Uni with a clear plan and with some savings.

Good luck op.

My niece has just finished a degree in textiles. She’s come back with a strange accent, piled on weight (too much drink) and is now working in a supermarket 🤷‍♀️. Her parents have spent a fortune supporting her. They were just happy one of their children wanted to go to Uni, sad really.

We kept an endowment policy going after paying off the mortgage earlier than planned. It matured at the same time our daughter left school and was ear marked for any Uni costs. It became apparent early on she wasn’t going so it was a lovely bonus for us. I think people need to start college funds like the Americans do, that way we’re more prepared for the expense.

He thinks you can go on his behalf? Omg 😮no

How about hospitality, plenty of young people get live in jobs doing that, but I suspect it’s hard work.

I also think only going to Uni to "party" is unfair on all the other students who actually want to be there to study!

I'm in a few Uni parents Facebook groups, and some of the stories from parents about their children's first few days at Uni are heart breaking. So many "quieter" children really upset, in tears, wanting to come home, after the first weekend, when they found themselves in "party central" flats with not only excess drinking, but also open drug use and virtual orgies on the corridor outside their flat or in the flat kitchen/lounge area. All the emphasis on going out to pubs, clubs, etc on the first evening, with pressure on the "quieter" ones to go out with their partying flatmates, and being bullied/abused if they don't. It's really, really grim. Yes, I know they settle down, but that's no consolation for the ones who aren't into the party lifestyle who can have a really emotional, upsetting time at first, especially as it's often their first experience of life away from home.

I think my dc did this.
I begged them not to as neither were interested in academic work and suggested they work abroad for the experience (which may not be possible once settled into a job in UK and have dc etc) and to learn another language.
However they wanted to do what their friends were doing.
What a waste of time and money (though they enjoyed themselves).

I also think only going to Uni to "party" is unfair on all the other students who actually want to be there to study!

For me, this is the worst aspect of Blair’s expansion of higher education. Those students who would and should benefit from university-level study are having their education very seriously diminished by a sizeable and growing cohort who disrupt the course through their lack of engagement. It’s a particular problem in humanities subjects where so much of the teaching takes place in small seminar groups and is discussion-based, relying on students preparing and turning up for the sessions. Which more and more of them are not doing.

And just to add, Universities are very much to blame for cultivating these attitudes in young people, marketing themselves on the “student experience”. When us academics try to point out to the marketing bods that studying, the library, the course, etc. are the major components of the “student experience”, they look at us as if we’ve grown an extra head. No, it’s all about coffee shops, gyms, societies, bars and nightclubs, apparently.

Yes, fully agree, and yes, it's the inevitable consequence of Blair and the expansion of Uni's. When we were going around open days with our son, we were pretty surprised at how all the emphasis seemed to be on "having fun" rather than actually getting a degree/education which somehow seemed to take second place. Obviously, students don't want an austere existence at Uni, doing nothing but academic work, but there has to be a balance, and I think far too many Unis (and students) have lost sight of their purpose, and sadly, it's the "quieter" students who suffer and struggle along with the ones who are actually engaged with studying and want to study for the right reasons, rather than just doing the bare minimum to secure that magic piece of paper!

It’s a particular problem in humanities subjects where so much of the teaching takes place in small seminar groups and is discussion-based,

Despite what I’ve said above about supporting this young person to turn things around - I’m hugely aware of the problem quoted above. Our own current undergrad is not infrequently infuriated on the phone, flabbergasted by the proportion of his fellow students who arrive at seminars completely unprepared and really incapable of meaningful participation in the discussion. They are far more interested in talking about how their mental health prevents them from doing anything as stressful as studying.

I agree. I have a SS who has flourished at university in ways I never thought he would. Previously he socialised very litttle and was very introverted, his confidence has grown enormously. It remians to be seen if the degree itself will catapult him in to a career worthy of his degree, but the social aspect and the maturity he has gained have been invaluable. He's grown up a lot.
But it isn't without the downsides such as a large student debt.
You have a very good point regarding youngsters still living at home in their 30s and being mollycoddled. I see it often.
I have numerous examples of friends who didn't achieve so well at A levels (myself included), who scrapped into university and have then flourished and had very successful careers.
I think with the posters son, you've got to allow them to forge their own path and if they make mistakes, they have to learn from that. If they don't get their act together to apply now, there is still clearing once they have the grades. There are plenty of places left every year in clearing for great courses and unis.

Given that we ( like many others) will need to heavily subsidise dc through university, no I don’t think just going for the social aspect is okay. If it is a subject dc really wants to study and he has a career goal at the end of it then yes we are happy to pay.

I would not support that at all.

No, I would not be happy for DS to do this and waste time and money. I didn't go to uni myself and my first job was in a pub, the social side of that was brilliant - lock ins after work, going out clubbing when we'd finished a shift so I don't think you need to go to uni for a social life.

@mindutopia makes such very strong points - but I fear some posters have skipped that post and are only associating ‘social’ with clubbing.

Which is a pity. Particularly for parents with no uni experience themselves.