Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How to read/react to this

56 replies

Wealllovebluey · 02/10/2023 18:35

name changed because I don’t want to be recognised

how would you take a note coming home with your reception child which read

childs name I am proud of you when you come into school smiling.

or

childs name I am proud of you when you listen to instruction

OP posts:
Almondmum · 03/10/2023 07:19

I'd be happy with the second, wouldn't find the first ideal but also wouldn't be something I'd kick up a fuss about.

Assuming the kid hasn't seen it I'd just read out the second one to them.

I wouldn't go as far as calling the first toxic positivity but I also wouldn't want my child to think that struggling to go in to school and leave me is in any way 'naughty'..

ScarletCharlotte · 03/10/2023 07:20

But you don't encourage it by saying your are proud of the dc smiling @writteninthewater, rather by giving the child lots of reasons to smile. Smiling is not an intentional behaviour and out of the child's control. All the teacher is doing is promote fake smiles, that's not a great idea for a 4 year old. The intention is good but the method not so much.

LunaBlueSkies · 03/10/2023 07:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General education Primary education
loobylou10 · 03/10/2023 09:51

'Oh gosh are you annoyed by this?! Seriously no wonder teachers get fed up. You've got to be joking'

This.

OnceUponATimeInChristmasTime · 03/10/2023 11:25

My children's school have praise assembly. The children get praised for a wide range of positive things. Sometimes this can be always being a good friend to their classmates, or listening well at carpet time or, shock horror, coming into school with a big smile. None of the kids have been scarred by this.
Also, sometimes you do have to grin and bear things, that's just life!

fatrascall · 03/10/2023 15:17

Kids shouldn't be encouraged to smile if they don't feel happy. I would have issues with that.

The second one is fine.

lljkk · 03/10/2023 19:27

ok, I'll be more explicit.
OP is being utterly ridiculous.
So I wish I had had the luxury of finding something so ridiculous to worry about.

WaitingfortheTardis · 03/10/2023 19:37

Both are absolutely lovely positive messages.

WaitingfortheTardis · 03/10/2023 19:39

fatrascall · 03/10/2023 15:17

Kids shouldn't be encouraged to smile if they don't feel happy. I would have issues with that.

The second one is fine.

But it isn't encouraging that at all, it's simply praising a child for coming in each day with a positive attitude. Teachers really can't win can they. This thread is quite sad.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2023 20:56

@Wealllovebluey are you reading it that the teacher is saying she’s proud when they show X behaviour because she’s not seeing it in your child and is trying to persuade them to smile/listen? I wouldn’t be happy with that tbh.

If she’s trying to reinforce behaviour she is seeing I’d be ok with that for listening, but the smiling thing isn’t ok.

PathOfLeastResitance · 03/10/2023 21:18

I read the first one as ‘I’m happy that you are happy to be here’.

Original poster
Wealllovebluey · 03/10/2023 21:55

My child only received the smile one. The other was another child who has been struggling following instructions (because they are just 4 and are still learning the difference between nursery and school)

unfortunately the notes were read out in front of the class. Today I have learnt of several more which all again very pointed to an area the child is struggling. One which lead to bullying because it highlighted their struggles with phonics (year 1 child, class is mixed r/y1)

@Jellycatspyjamas this is exactly what I'm saying. In one way I'm quite glad that the teacher has had to reach as far as coming into school upset as this means my child's behaviour/effort in school has been pretty good. I wasn't happy because I don't want anyone to teach my child to suck it up and get on with it. Crying is a perfectly acceptable emotion and useful for the teachers to indicate that she needs a bit of support. She has cried nearly everyday but she is not crying all day, just for the transition into the classroom.

the reason I posted on Mumsnet was to gauge if this was a normal sort of teaching method and to get it off my chest and work through my thoughts before school today. Please be assured I didn't go into school ranting and raving in fact I didn't mention it at all. I also didn't make a big deal of it in front dd I said I loved her smile too.

my dd did wake up crying 4 times in the night and wet the bed (which she has only done a few times after just she stopped wearing a night nappy and not for 18 months)
she also had to be carried into school and peeled off me this morning which hadn't needed to happen before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wealllovebluey · 03/10/2023 22:05

MidnightOnceMore · 03/10/2023 07:14

REAL positivity does, but toxic positivity is known to increase the risk of MH issues, so it is important to focus on genuine positivity and not superficial 'smiling'.

It is also known that girls are pressured to 'smile' more than boys.

Show quote history

@MidnightOnceMore yep and I my mental health was atrocious as a result of learning to shut up and get on with it and project a I'm ok exterior. I was always expected to be ok with everything, I was the strong one and the protector of all the waif and strays.

I know I am sensitive to the stiff upper lip stuff, another reason I posted because I wanted to see this from other perspectives.

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/10/2023 22:05

Oh for goodness sake. A really busy teacher is taking the time to, every day, find something to praise about every single child in her class to make them feel good. And in return she gets these little notes pulled apart and criticised to find some perceived toxicity.

You do know that she's going to run out of ideas sometimes? That she doesn't have the time to stop and over think everything little note she writes? That maybe your child arriving into her class with a big smile indicating that she's enthusiastic about being there, touched her heart a bit?

I could weep for the teachers of today, like my DD and son in law, who pour their hearts into the job that risks their health, because they love the kids.

Honestly I can barely believe what I just read.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2023 22:29

That maybe your child arriving into her class with a big smile indicating that she's enthusiastic about being there, touched her heart a bit?

Have you not read the OPs posts? Her child isn’t arriving with a big smile on their face, her child is struggling. The notes from the teacher all seem to highlight an area the child is struggling with, she’s not praising current behaviour, she’s saying “I’m proud when you listen to instructions” to a child who struggles to listen to instructions. So saying “I’m proud when you do X” to children who aren’t doing X.

I can’t see that’s an effective encourager to good behaviour, because the child is basically being told I’m not proud, because you aren’t doing the thing that would make me proud, eg smiling, listening or whatever.

OP I’d be a bit sceptical too.

Invalidusername88 · 03/10/2023 22:30

I would ask child for more information like who gave you that note?

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2023 22:32

@Jellycatspyjamas this is exactly what I'm saying. In one way I'm quite glad that the teacher has had to reach as far as coming into school upset as this means my child's behaviour/effort in school has been pretty good.

Surely it would be better to talk to your child about why she’s upset and reassure her than praise her for what she isn’t doing in the hope that she’ll do it? At at best it gives very mixed messages, at worst it’s pretty manipulative. Why can’t she just praise the good behaviour she is seeing.

winterchills · 03/10/2023 22:36

I think its really lovely!! I would read it to my child and let them know how proud I am also!

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2023 22:40

But the teacher is saying she feels proud when the child comes to class smiling, when the child doesn’t smile going into class, and is upset and struggling with going into school.

dayofcheese · 03/10/2023 22:41

Awful. It's like saying "smile love" etc. Only proud of the child when the child is smiling.

WishIWasWise · 03/10/2023 22:44

I cried a lot in reception year and remember the teacher seeming disappointed. I.e. If I was calm that would make me good.

I was too young to think about it but looking back it’s not a good memory.

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 22:46

MidnightOnceMore · 03/10/2023 06:51

This thread isn't about you, plus you don't know what problems the OP actually has! Sorry if you had a rough time as a parent, but the OP has posted an interesting and legitimate question.

Show quote history

Oh, I think I can form a decent picture.

Lifeinlists · 03/10/2023 22:59

dayofcheese · 03/10/2023 22:41

Awful. It's like saying "smile love" etc. Only proud of the child when the child is smiling.

Or the teacher might just have been wanting to encourage the child by noticing when she seems happy. So she feels more settled perhaps?

No one told the child to smile.

Who'd be a teacher, eh, with all these experts micro analysing every action?

saraclara · 03/10/2023 23:40

Who'd be a teacher, eh, with all these experts micro analysing every action?

Exactly.

It'd be so much easier for them to not recognise progress and let the child know that they have. And so much safer not to send anything home or share anything in a way that the parent gets to analyse and criticise it.

Basically teachers, don't try to be nice, don't see your pupils as individuals, don't make that extra bit of effort that's outside the essential. Safest to just be a teaching robot.

saraclara · 03/10/2023 23:47

dayofcheese · 03/10/2023 22:41

Awful. It's like saying "smile love" etc. Only proud of the child when the child is smiling.

No it isn't. She didn't tell the child to smile. She just recognised a child showing a bit more confidence, and let her know that she'd noticed by expressing it in a way that the child would understand.

She gave up a chunk of her lunchtime presumably (because she couldn't do this in lesson time) to write a note for each child in the class. Something that she didn't need to do. Yet people here are expecting her to sit and over think her wording for one child, when she simply wanted her to know that she'd recognised her progress.