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Original poster

Weddings and children

31 replies

whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 04:53

My dh cousin gets married next year and has very kindly invited myself, dh and our 8 year old son. It's a full day and evening do.

Our ds is autistic and has global developmental delays. So although he's 8, his behaviour/mannerisms can fluctuate between around 3 year old upwards. He struggles with change, waiting, too quiet, too noisy , wants to do things his way.

We are unsure wether to take him to the wedding, on the one hand he would want to go (without fully understanding what it entails) as he is quite social, all the other cousins kids will be there (aged between 1-5) and immediate family will want him there (pil)
But he would not be able to sit through the service and would need a device and headphones. He does a lot of echolia and would likely shout out/repeat noises and sounds he hears. I would obviously take him out if an issue. He would struggle with the waiting around bits, photos etc. He has issues with food and allergies so meal could be a grief. (Whilst hotels are generally good with allergies it then typically limits the choice and he has sensory issues with food) He would probably enjoy the party element dancing etc although may need to take him self off of he gets overwhelmed. I would probably have to drive incase he melts down and needs to leave. And we would need to leave early as he would struggle if tired.

On the one hand it feels mean to leave him out due to his disability and also feels selfish like we are thinking about our enjoyment. I know there will be judgement if we don't take him and likely judgement if we do. The last wedding he went to was ours when he was two and he struggled massively (although obviously he was very young) . Since then he hasn't been invited to any weddings (all child free)

Whilst we are lucky to have childcare available to have him while we attend. There's no option for someone to collect him if he's struggling as it's too far away. The bride and groom have met him several times at family gatherings but probably not in close proximity so are unlikely to have a good understanding of his needs.

Do I take him and muddle through? Or get childcare and enjoy the wedding?

OP posts:
treacledan71 · 01/10/2023 04:57

Could the person who is doing the childcare perhaps drop him just for the night do or is it too far?

Mangotango39 · 01/10/2023 04:58

treacledan71 · 01/10/2023 04:57

Could the person who is doing the childcare perhaps drop him just for the night do or is it too far?

I was going to suggest the same.

then he can get all the fun bits, dancing etc without the (let's be honest) boring bits !

Lizzieregina · 01/10/2023 04:58

Is there anyone (granny or grandad?) who could accompany you and be available to take him out for little breaks etc when he isn’t coping? Maybe for an hour or two?

If not and you have good childcare options at home, I’d leave him with them and you enjoy the festivities yourself. He’ll likely be happier too in a familiar environment.

As for judgment, ignore it. You know your child best and everyone else can sod off!

Best day of my life when I stopped caring what other people thought of me!

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Toddler101 · 01/10/2023 05:05

Would you enjoy attending the wedding more with or without him?

E.g
If you'd be sad and not relaxed knowing he's missing social and family time with cousins etc and weren't enjoying yourself as a result, take him.

Or if you'd be more relaxed knowing he's cared for and not stressed by the environment, don't take him.

MariaVT65 · 01/10/2023 05:09

Don’t feel bad about not taking him OP. Weddings are very boring for kids anyway. Even as an adult, I’ve found several weddings have only been enjoyable due to seeing some friends, not waiting around for photos, not being fed enough, listening to boring speeches. Taking kids also usually means you have to leave earlier too.

user1483387154 · 01/10/2023 05:12

Would it be possible for him to just attend the reception?

Caspianberg · 01/10/2023 05:53

I had my wedding last year. Including my own 2 year old, and various baby-10 year olds. To me it’s just life. I wouldn’t be bothered at all if an 8 year old, presumably they know well enough to know has some extra needs as they have invited you all, started making random noises.

So the question is more would you and him enjoy going together and would he enjoy it? The whole noise, food, entertainment can be ignored tbh. Take headphones and iPad if he needs it, take enough snacks he likes.

Original poster
whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 07:08

treacledan71 · 01/10/2023 04:57

Could the person who is doing the childcare perhaps drop him just for the night do or is it too far?

It's too far

OP posts:
Original poster
whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 07:08

Lizzieregina · 01/10/2023 04:58

Is there anyone (granny or grandad?) who could accompany you and be available to take him out for little breaks etc when he isn’t coping? Maybe for an hour or two?

If not and you have good childcare options at home, I’d leave him with them and you enjoy the festivities yourself. He’ll likely be happier too in a familiar environment.

As for judgment, ignore it. You know your child best and everyone else can sod off!

Best day of my life when I stopped caring what other people thought of me!

The wedding list is very strict our adult children have not been invited

OP posts:
Original poster
whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 07:15

Sorry I fell asleep after posting. So whilst the bride will have been told he's autistic and may have seen us managing his needs at family gatherings these events have always been quite short. I'd be surprised if she knows about his echolalia and has never seen him melt down. I think there would be an assumption that we will manage him. Which we would try but it's difficult when your on someone else's schedule and don't know the building/layout of the day.

OP posts:
Doveyouknow · 01/10/2023 07:32

It sounds like your ds would find a lot of it hard work (as would you). Is the positive of enjoying the disco enough?

junebirthdaygirl · 01/10/2023 07:35

I wouldn't bring him and wouldn't feel guilty for leaving him with his GPS or whoever. It's not going to be an easy environment for him and will possibly stress you out too. It's nice to have a childfree break whether our children have a disability or not. It's perfectly fine to have a lovely day yourself knowing ds is contented where he is in his own familiar environment. Sounds like the wedding could be a nightmare for him and subsequently for you.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 01/10/2023 07:37

8 year olds don't need to attend weddings, they prefer children's parties. He can catch up with his cousins another time.

Weird though that your 8 yo was invited but not your adult children. Any idea what the rationale was?

Original poster
whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 07:55

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 01/10/2023 07:37

8 year olds don't need to attend weddings, they prefer children's parties. He can catch up with his cousins another time.

Weird though that your 8 yo was invited but not your adult children. Any idea what the rationale was?

Cost I assume. Plus cousin is very close to one other cousin who has two kids so would want them there and maybe felt like she had to include all. (The younger ones)

OP posts:
Original poster
whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 07:55

junebirthdaygirl · 01/10/2023 07:35

I wouldn't bring him and wouldn't feel guilty for leaving him with his GPS or whoever. It's not going to be an easy environment for him and will possibly stress you out too. It's nice to have a childfree break whether our children have a disability or not. It's perfectly fine to have a lovely day yourself knowing ds is contented where he is in his own familiar environment. Sounds like the wedding could be a nightmare for him and subsequently for you.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 07:56

Doveyouknow · 01/10/2023 07:32

It sounds like your ds would find a lot of it hard work (as would you). Is the positive of enjoying the disco enough?

That's what I'm wondering really and the likelihood is he could be quite stressed by that point so may not enjoy it.

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 01/10/2023 07:57

junebirthdaygirl · 01/10/2023 07:35

I wouldn't bring him and wouldn't feel guilty for leaving him with his GPS or whoever. It's not going to be an easy environment for him and will possibly stress you out too. It's nice to have a childfree break whether our children have a disability or not. It's perfectly fine to have a lovely day yourself knowing ds is contented where he is in his own familiar environment. Sounds like the wedding could be a nightmare for him and subsequently for you.

I think the same. Don’t feel guilty, you’re not excluding him because of his disability, you’re going to enjoy the wedding as adults / a couple which lots of people do.

gotomomo · 01/10/2023 08:03

I'd muddle through, they are family and want him there but prepare ahead explaining to him what to expect, try taking him to a children's church service perhaps at Christmas if you don't already so he can experience a ceremony (they expect disruption so no need for devices etc to keep quiet).

My dd is autistic but attended church from a baby so it just wasn't an issue attending things, she loved (classical) music so we attended concerts from young too. Autism varies a lot but one common factor is that you need to prepare them for different situations and they are able to cope with lots as long as you do. Social stories can be good, similar events eg church, children's concert all can prepare him, plus in a few months they can mature, you don't see it yourself as much but others who don't see them as often can see a jump in maturity and coping. We had noise dulling headphones just in case but mostly it wasn't a problem. Adult now here.

People are a lot more understanding than we often give them credit for plus they are invited 1-5 year olds, they are hardly going to be perfectly behaved - sit on the end and be prepared to leave the ceremony if necessary but I think you should be ok with prep. Oh and with the food, just bring sage foods as a back up but the venue may be fine to prepare a bit of food for him and the other kids

Original poster
whattttttodo · 01/10/2023 08:05

gotomomo · 01/10/2023 08:03

I'd muddle through, they are family and want him there but prepare ahead explaining to him what to expect, try taking him to a children's church service perhaps at Christmas if you don't already so he can experience a ceremony (they expect disruption so no need for devices etc to keep quiet).

My dd is autistic but attended church from a baby so it just wasn't an issue attending things, she loved (classical) music so we attended concerts from young too. Autism varies a lot but one common factor is that you need to prepare them for different situations and they are able to cope with lots as long as you do. Social stories can be good, similar events eg church, children's concert all can prepare him, plus in a few months they can mature, you don't see it yourself as much but others who don't see them as often can see a jump in maturity and coping. We had noise dulling headphones just in case but mostly it wasn't a problem. Adult now here.

People are a lot more understanding than we often give them credit for plus they are invited 1-5 year olds, they are hardly going to be perfectly behaved - sit on the end and be prepared to leave the ceremony if necessary but I think you should be ok with prep. Oh and with the food, just bring sage foods as a back up but the venue may be fine to prepare a bit of food for him and the other kids

Thanks great advice

OP posts:
Intelligenthair · 01/10/2023 08:07

Go and have a grown up weekend with your partner and do not feel guilty. Recharge your batteries a bit knowing he’s being taken care of. If anyone asks, be honest- his needs mean he’d have found the unfamiliar day overwhelming and so he’s having the time of his life with Grandma instead.

Khvdrt · 01/10/2023 08:18

I would get childcare and enjoy the wedding; personally if that was an option I’d do that for a child who didn’t have any additional needs as in my experience children generally are bored by weddings even at 8 and it all becomes a bit much after hours of being expected to behave well and by the evening ate overstimulated etc.

Khvdrt · 01/10/2023 08:19

Sorry my point being so don’t feel bad and think of what he’d probably enjoy more which I suspect is not going.

WeWereInParis · 01/10/2023 08:32

On the one hand it feels mean to leave him out due to his disability and also feels selfish like we are thinking about our enjoyment.

Is it just your enjoyment though? Would he actually enjoy it?

Also, there's nothing wrong with thinking about your enjoyment sometimes. I was very glad my DDs weren't invited to the two weddings we've been to this year, and if they had been, we probably wouldn't have taken them anyway. They were two rare occasions for a child free evening out.

smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 08:35

Don't worry about everyone else there. The B&G have invited him so want him there. As himself. So now you just have to think if he wants/will handle being there.

Sirzy · 01/10/2023 08:36

Personally I wouldn’t take him, if going for just the disco side of things was a possibility i would have gone with that but if he has to do the whole day do you think he would be in a position to enjoy the disco by the time it came around?

me and DS where invited to a cousins wedding last year but I knew DS wouldn’t cope so I sent our apologies and spent the day with DS and his cousin (also autistic) to allow my sister to go.

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