Elderly neighbour - update need advice (trigger SA)

[Shortpoet]

So I posted this thread about a lonely elderly neighbour.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4902288-elderly-neighbour-wwyd?reply=129366279

Im starting a new thread because there’s an update and I don’t want people to only read the OP and tell me to contact age concern. It’s moved on from this.

I called age concern on Monday as suggested and the woman I spoke to when she realised who it was went quiet and said she couldn’t say more but he was known to them and if he wanted to go on the list for a befriender it would have to be a man. She didn’t say why, but she said they had offered a male befriender before and he turned it down. I told him that and he said he just preferred talking to women over men.

On Tuesday he had a cataract operation and I took some dinner round for him as he wasn’t able to prepare anything for himself.
He asked if I’d pop in the next day and I said yes for 5 mins as I was going out.

On Weds I popped round for 5 mins. And his vision has had some improvement. Not perfect but better than it was.

As I was leaving I picked up my bag, leaned over him to give a quick hug (which I normally do) and he grabbed my breast and squeezed it saying that feels nice.
I said don’t do that, and slapped his hand away and left.

He rang me 2 mins later to apologise. I stupidly said if he did it again I wouldn’t visit anymore. We haven’t spoken since. That’s normal as I would normally only go round on a Sunday.

I couldn’t concentrate at my hobby that evening, I felt really tearful. Yesterday I felt weird and unsettled at work. He didn’t hurt me, but my breast felt hot and heavy and wrong.

I haven’t told anyone in real life. I feel really ashamed like I’ve done something wrong. Even though I know I haven’t.
I did ignore a couple of red flags though.

I’m so angry and upset. I feel guilty for not wanting to visit anymore, and really annoyed that someone who has so few friends would do that to someone who has only shown care.

I know I can process this. I’ve got over worse. I’m just annoyed I have to divert my energy into dealing with this instead of doing more positive things.

Sorry if this isn’t appropriate for chat and needs to be moved to a different topic. I’ve put a trigger warning in title.

I just need and hand hold and some advice on how to move forward.

I personally think you should follow what your head is saying not your heart. I'm not saying this man is a threat to anyone now days but if something is upsetting you like this theirs a reason. Alternatively all age concern and ask if you or any other is at risk or if this has ever been the case. Also call social services a d tell them that the man needs a assessment as he can't look after himself (you don't need to mention the assault)
Hope you feel better soon, their no excuse for what he's done

So sorry that you have experienced this Op.

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.

You need to keep yourself safe, both physically and emotionally.

There's no way you should be having any more contact with him or taking any responsibility.

If you are referring to SS, you absolutely do need to tell them about the assault otherwise there is every chance they will send in a lone female.

I hope you are OK. What he did was completely unacceptable and TBH, his age is immaterial. I would contact the police.

Sound like they know he has previous...

You've done your duty. Block and delete.

Phone adult social care and tell them everything. They have a duty of care even if he is a handsy old perv. If he turns down a male carer it's on him unfortunately

I’m sorry this happened to you. You have been sexually assaulted and it’a not your fault. You don’t need to see this man again. If you think he needs help them
contact SS.

Thanks, I meant to say he told me on Monday that he is in contact with SS and they have done an assessment recently.
Because he has a volunteer who does his shopping and he is able to prepare food for himself there isn’t any other support they offer.
His problem is loneliness, but I’m now thinking that there is a reason for that.

I think this an opportunity for you to stop seeing him at all without the guilt.

His behaviour has crossed a line, he deserves nothing more from you.

It is probably best for you to talk this through with someone. So sorry.

From the reaction of the Age Concern representative that he has a history of this type of behaviour. There is also likely more that has never been reported.
Predatory men dont get less predatory because they become old and vulnerable. I suspect he is now using his vulnerability to exploit your kindness.
I was assaulted when I was 10 by my recently deceased grandads neighbour who my mum felt sorry for (touching over clothing and he was luckily quite frail so got away from him ).

Actions have consequences - hes an adult and knew exactly what he was doing and you should not feel guilty for having nothing further to do with him.

I think you are a very kind person and this man has taken complete advantage of your kindness to assault you. I think that you need to say to him you do not feel safe and you've informed SS of why. Do that and walk away.
If you keep visiting you will always be on edge and he probably will do it again because he got away with it once. This is not ok.

I don't think she should even speak to him again. Block the phone number and don't go round.

Block and do not do anything for him anymore. Dirty old bastard 😡

What you do now is absolutely never go to his place again. Ever. It stops.

Speak to Age Concern again if you can, and tell them what's happened, or call you local social care department at the council. You're not under obligation to do this, but it's important information that will strengthen what is clearly already their case that he is a sex offender or similar.

Honestly it's frustrating that Age Concern didn't warn you. I understand issues around confidentiality, but if it was clear that you were becoming involved with this person and spending time alone at his place with him, I feel you should have been warned more clearly. Maybe they felt that them saying "it has to be a male carer" was clear enough, but if you haven't worked or been involved in the social care world it's not always going to be obvious that that indicates a safeguarding issue.

I'm so sorry you had this experience when you were trying to be there for someone in need. No situation is ever black and white, and the fact is he probably IS lonely and would benefit from company, but he's always a sex offender (even just from his assault on you, regardless of what he has done before) and you are under zero moral responsibility to put yourself at risk being involved with him. You must step away now.

Don’t go back, ever. His loneliness is not your responsibility, he has brought it on himself. Dirty old creep clearly has form.

Let SS deal with him, you showed only kindness and were rewarded with assault.

Urgh. We had an elderly client who used to put porn on the tv when his carers were due.

I know it's a bit of a trope, but I assume he's in his 80s and was brought up in a very different world where this kind of thing would, I'm afraid, be par for the course. He knows it's not OK but I would imagine he really doesn't understand the depth of offence he has caused.

This is no excuse of course. You have no obligation to help him or befriend him. If he can't keep his hands to himself then you are well within your rights to stay away from him. Live, learn and move on.

Well my Mum is 90 and shed absolutely know this was wrong. If anything, it was even "wronger" when this bloke was growing up.

Urg. Have not seen your earlier thread but tell the relevant agencies what happened and stay well away. Of course he knows it was wrong but like so many men, sadly, he took what he wanted anyway.

He will know perfectly well why you have blocked him, you definitely don't owe him an explanation. But if anyone else (other than the agencies who need to know) asks why, just tell them he was vile to you. (and add that you don't want to go into detail if you don't want to)

You sound like a lovely person, who was just trying to help. You have done nothing wrong and shouldn't feel ashamed.

He may well just be a 'dirty old man' but equally there are some medical conditions where people can have reduced inhibitions and increased impulsive behaviours eg - damage to the frontal lobe from a stroke. That said it doesn't mean you are responsible for him in any way.

You don't know this man's history. Perhaps he has a criminal history of assaulting women? Could be anything, but Age Concern already knew he was not safe around women. Don't go near him again.

This is certainly the case and some people with dementia will also act inappropriately where they would not have previously. However the reaction of age concern and the fact he is otherwise independent suggest that he could actually be a sex offender and there are no mitigating circumstances. You're obviously a lovely person, but you have to walk away OP and look after yourself.

He sexually assaulted you. Why are you feeling guilty about not wanting to spend further time with a man who intentionally grabbed your breast?!

You don't really know this man. He could be a convicted sex offender or paedophile for all you know. The fact that Age Concern will only send males suggests that females sent to his house have encountered predatory behaviour from him. If I were you, I'd inform Age Concern and social services of what happened. And then I'd block all contact and leave the filthy pervert to rot.

You've been kind to him - but now you need to stop wasting your time and energy on a man who is lonely because he's a sexual predator and his past friends and family have probably cut him out of their lives.

Ugh you poor thing. I would report this to social services and never see him again.

The person you spoke to as much as told you he was a risk without breaking confidentiality.
He is probably a well known sex offender which is why he has no one to help him.
Contact the police, get him charged with sexual assault & do not ever go near him or have anything to do with him ever again, seriously.

This man has turned down a male befriender…so he isn’t that lonely! Please stop further contact ,you do not need to feel guilty when he is the one at fault.

He clearly knows exactly what he’s doing, hence refusing a male befriended as @Justgonefishing says. No way would I go anywhere near him, he’s a calculating pervert and he’s sexually assaulted you.