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Original poster

Sister has told me she's going to stay with me one or two nights a week

33 replies

Wishfulthinkingmaybe1 · 28/09/2023 07:18

She's moving 2.5 hours away to live with her boyfriend and works a lot remotely but has to attend office 1 or 2 days at most every week and she's told me she's going to stay with me those nights. Am I being mean to not really want this every week, even though I live alone?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/09/2023 07:20

Of course you aren’t mean. How much is she going to pay you for water/electric/gas ?

NigelHarmansNewWife · 28/09/2023 07:20

No, not mean. She can tell you anything she likes, but as an adult needs to realise she needs to ask you and respect your wishes. Tell her as soon as you can as she may need to rethink her plans.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 07:21

You need to very, very quickly and firmly shut this down. You have to tell her no, that won't work for you. Managing her expectations, right now, is a priority.

icelollycraving · 28/09/2023 07:25

I think you need to say to her that you don’t expect to be told she’s staying, but asked if it’s convenient. She will probably leave some stuff with you, do you have room?
Some families this would be absolutely fine. It’s equally fine to not want to have someone with you 2 days a week.

NoSquirrels · 28/09/2023 07:26

She’s ‘told’ you? Not asked you?

That’s awful.

Decide what you might be generous enough to offer, then discuss it. You don’t have to host her every week if you don’t want to. She can stay with other friends/family, get a hotel, renegotiate days with work etc.

Tessisme · 28/09/2023 07:26

Of course you're not being mean. For a start, I would have expected her to ask, affording you the element of choice. Also, she is the one making a change to her life and you are not obliged to change yours to accommodate her. Just tell her it doesn't suit you.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/09/2023 07:28

Sorry, nobody would be telling me they would be staying in my house every week. If they asked me nicely and were grateful and I wanted them to, I would consider it. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be happening.

What did you say to her? I think you need to use your words….

Oooooooooooo1 · 28/09/2023 07:38

She told you you she is staying
You tell her she's not
Be very clear, her choices should not effect you
Be clear from the start

readbooksdrinktea · 28/09/2023 07:41

I mean, that wouldn't be happening here. She's assuming a lot, isn't she?

Shut it down quickly.

SueDonnym · 28/09/2023 07:42

She brings the meal when she stays as she is getting free heating etc.
Make sure there is something in it for you.
Tell her it is a trial for 2 months but you might need to stop it.

K1nga23 · 28/09/2023 07:42

You need to shut this down firmly because she seems very entitled. People like this will sulk and take it personally but the alternative is that she keeps doing what she pleases. Don’t let her stay because she needs to find a job closer to her new home.

juicelooseabootthishoose · 28/09/2023 07:48

Is it a flat no? Or is it a-i would be happy to host you 1 night once a fortnight or once a month for 1/2 nights?

Catching up with your sister one night a fortnight or month might be quite nice?

If she is generally a CF though, if you give her an inch she might take a mile and accidentally start staying more often. In that case id make it a firm no now.

randomrandom · 28/09/2023 07:50

Well the second someone told me they would be doing anything to disrupt my life they would be told no. If they asked, I'd let them occasionally but there is no chance I'd commit to every week

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2023 08:00

Think I'd say, once a month would be nice. But not twice a week, sorry. I have plans and don't want to commit to having someone over twice a week, forever! See what she says.

PortalooSunset · 28/09/2023 08:11

I would love my dsis coming to stay with me every week. For about the first 3 weeks, and then I'd remember why our relationship works better when we live in different counties Grin

LunaNorth · 28/09/2023 08:12

Cheeky mare!

pizzaHeart · 28/09/2023 08:14

Tessisme · 28/09/2023 07:26

Of course you're not being mean. For a start, I would have expected her to ask, affording you the element of choice. Also, she is the one making a change to her life and you are not obliged to change yours to accommodate her. Just tell her it doesn't suit you.

100% ^

Olika · 28/09/2023 08:17

If you don't want her to stay then tell her that but you better do it soon.

pizzaHeart · 28/09/2023 08:18

And I wouldn’t do this as a trial, absolutely not. Saying “no” after 2 months would be much more difficult, she would say that she was counting on staying with you.
It’s much better to say outright “no” so to give her chance to plan accordingly.

Papillon23 · 28/09/2023 08:35

I think I would hope to be able to include my sibling in a list of people I rotated round doing that, but not to stay every week. I have looked at jobs where I would need to impinge on people's hospitality, but it would have ended up being one night, one week in six which while still not ideal I don't think would be a catastrophe, especially as I would have tried to move after 6 months or so. In the end I didn't do it because I didn't want to ask that of my friends.

Is this a temporary measure while she gets a job closer to home? Say 6 months ish. I think I would be prepared to put up with it if so (but with a clearly agreed time frame and a plan for what she's going to do if she doesn't get a new job in e.g. 3 months if she has a 3 month notice period).

An indefinite period - no.

Mistandmellowfruitfullness · 28/09/2023 08:40

Told you, not asked you? Then no!
Maybe if it was once a month and she stayed with other friends as well
Is she expecting to stay that regularly and indefinitely for free or will she be contributing towards food/utilities?

THisbackwithavengeance · 28/09/2023 08:45

It wouldn't bother me unduly but I understand that doing anything for anybody is generally a huge no-no on MN.

Of course you can say no, it's your flat. But if you say no, I would expect your decision to negatively impact on your relationship but if you're not bothered about that, then it's all good.

If you agree, I think she should contribute to bills if it's a regular ongoing thing and she presumably won't be expecting to be fed at your expense?

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 28/09/2023 09:07

I have an issue with ‘she TOLD you’.

That would have put my back up, even if I’d have been happy to have her there.

Passepartoute · 28/09/2023 09:18

No, of course you are not mean. She should be asking you whether it's possible, not telling you. Do you even have a spare bedroom? Is she proposing to contribute to expenses?

Colourfulponderings · 28/09/2023 09:20

Lol. That’s not how it works.

It will be much harder to stop once it starts so be firm up front. ‘I do love seeing you DS for (events/ nights out / whatever you normally do,) but that sort of weekly arrangement won’t work for me. Let’s go for drinks soon, are you free Saturday?’