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Original poster

History of abuse. How to live with dp..

35 replies

MissedABoo · 24/09/2023 08:47

.I'm in a relationship and things are perfect really and couldn't be happier.

However I am having a huge problem. I was a single parent to 3dc one of which is a girl. I have only ever had a relationship with their father and noone else after we split.

I was abused by a family friend as a child but didn't realise what was happening at the time as I was too young and the penny only dropped when I was older. Luckily it's something that doesn't really affect me in my day to day life well I didn't think it did until now.

I don't live with my dp but i know he'd be really happy if we lived together and he has talked about buying a house together in the future. The relationship is getting pretty serious and I think he's going to ask me to marry him soon. One of my DC who can never keep a secret accidentally blurted something out which alluded to the fact he may be proposing. This made me happy but then I got a feeling of dread that we'd live together as a family. He knows the kids very well and they adore him.

I feel like I'm bringing a stranger into my children's home, my daughter's home and the thoughts of what happened to me keep coming into my mind. The family friend who abused me was a really nice guy. He was a good friend to my parents, helped them out alot. His wife wouldn't dare think he was capable of any like that. And that's what's going on in my head too. Like anyone is capable of this, even the seemingly nice guys. I've never had feelings like this before..

Whether dp proposes or not isn't the issue but I do need to address the living together issue. I want to talk to him but it would look like I'm accusing him of being a potential peado. I'm sorry if that sounds horrendous but I have a massive urge to protect my daughter even tho it doesn't make sense. Deep down I know dp wouldn't do anything but my parents thought the same too. I sound so irrational and it's driving me crazy. Can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 08:50

How long have you been with him?
Does he have any children that you and your children will “blend” with?
How old are your children?
And would he really propose before actually living together?

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 08:53

Do your parents know now about this vile family friend

Original poster
MissedABoo · 24/09/2023 08:55

We've not been together long but have been friends for a long time. We were friends before we got together so my dc do know him.. The kids are 11,12 and 5. Youngest is the daughter. He doesn't have any kids of his own. He has nephews and nieces who he spends time with but they are older teens. He has a good relationship with them..I can't stress enough that he isn't the problem. It's me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissedABoo · 24/09/2023 08:58

And yes he would propose before living with me. I've written about how we got together on mn before. We don't have a conventional set up as we're from different cultures/ religions and we've just kept our relationship low key.

OP posts:
Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:02

We've not been together long

alarm bells. Be honest - how long?

Original poster
MissedABoo · 24/09/2023 09:03

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 08:53

Do your parents know now about this vile family friend

I'm really ashamed to say no I haven't. I was very young and some of the details are hazy. I didn't even know it was wrong at the time. It was only when I was at college or something it just hit me out of the blue. By this time the family friend had moved to another part of the UK and wasn't in our lives much. I haven't told anyone.

OP posts:
Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:03

And with young children you would accept the proposal of a man without having ever lived with him?

molosolo · 24/09/2023 09:04

I have no answers OP but this is absolutely what all parents should do when considering moving another adult into their child's home.

I would start with your children (I'm sure you've already had these conversations!) but reiterate that you do not ever have secrets and if someone threatens to hurt mummy or have them taken away if they tell you, this is false and would never happen.

NuffSaidSam · 24/09/2023 09:04

I'd say you should listen to your gut on this. Not that he's done anything wrong, but it's too soon. If you haven't been together long, don't move in together. Leave it. Enjoy the relationship as it is. Review in a few years and see how it's going then.

Hubblebubble · 24/09/2023 09:06

You aren't tvhe problem. You're a good mum making safeguarding choices. Just because other people move unrelated men into their children's homes, doesn't mean you have to.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/09/2023 09:07

It does sound as though things are moving ahead too fast for you, OP. I would feel the same as you do.

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:08

Op I haven’t experienced any abuse
I am a single parent

Not a fucking chance I’m moving a man into my children home until they are late teens. And that’s the earliest.

why? This is my children’s home. I don’t want the sharing they home, their space, their bathroom, dining table, home life with anyone other than their siblings and me

Redcliffe1 · 24/09/2023 09:08

Have you had therapy to help you deal with this? Have you talked to him about it? I would say both of these things would be essential. And I'm sorry this happened to you.

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:08

As I write this, my teen daughter is wandering around in a nightie that barely covers her bottom. She’s relaxed and happy and blissfully unaware.

pippinsleftleg · 24/09/2023 09:08

I think you’re being very sensible.

In your shoes I wouldn’t want him (or any man) to move in while my daughter was so young.

I would talk to him now and tell him that you don’t want him to move in with you while the children are young (cote family dynamics if you need an excuse).

He might decide to end the relationship but that is better than the possible alternative.

Out of interest, do you know if he wants children with you? That’s a conversation that needs to be had before any romantic proposal/moving in gestures.

Original poster
MissedABoo · 24/09/2023 09:10

molosolo · 24/09/2023 09:04

I have no answers OP but this is absolutely what all parents should do when considering moving another adult into their child's home.

I would start with your children (I'm sure you've already had these conversations!) but reiterate that you do not ever have secrets and if someone threatens to hurt mummy or have them taken away if they tell you, this is false and would never happen.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. It's the moving an unrelated adult into my home. I am so seeing this as a safeguarding issue and Ive heard so many step dad abuse stories. I know he would never ever do anything. Honestly he's the loveliest person you'd ever meet.

OP posts:
Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:10

I'm sorry if that sounds horrendous but I have a massive urge to protect my daughter even tho it doesn't make sense.

so protect her by keeping her home, just that, her home. With you and her brothers

Fatmamslim · 24/09/2023 09:11

You do not have to live together. There are good examples of relationships- marriages, even - that buck the trend. The notion that you must be under the same roof to make it work simply isn’t true.

in fact I know of two people in my wider circle. One married. One ltr and they remain living separately and they are arguably by far happier in their set ups than the rest of us all under one roof.

if you love him, crack on and marry him. But there is no definitive reason you need to be living together while you have young children if that doesn’t feel right for you.

but these two things are the most important:

  1. Your gut is saying no. Listen to it.
  1. “it doesn’t bother my day to day life” - yes, it does and it will when the circumstances are right as shown now, no one gets away from abuse unscathed, I should know because I too was convinced I was fine. Spend the money you’d spend on a wedding on therapy. It will be hard and shit and you won’t want to at times, but a happier healthier life lays ahead, especially when it comes to blending your family with someone else.

good luck op.

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:11

Op you say you haven’t been with him long
how long?

autienotnaughty · 24/09/2023 09:16

It sounds like you feel like you should move in/get married because that's what people do and it's reasonable that your partner will want to do that at some stage. Bu you don't have to if it's not right for you and your kids. You can be in a committed relationship and not move in. You need to be honest with partner. Explain you are not comfortable with living together while the children are young , be clear it's not about him .

Original poster
MissedABoo · 24/09/2023 09:20

We've been together a year but like I said he was my best friend before that so I know him pretty well already.

I didn't think that to just be together but not live together. I like the sound of that. I think I need to talk to him. I don't know what he'll think about it.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 24/09/2023 09:20

I disagree with the previous poster saying your gut is telling you this is wrong. Your discomfort comes from the historical abuse you suffered and this is making you fee differently about a man who is not abusive. And raising the question which is a very difficult one of “how would anyone KNOW for sure someone wasn’t an abuser?
It is essential that you speak to your partner and tell him what you went through and perhaps see how he responds. He may suggest counselling together or perhaps you could benefit from counselling alone to help you explore any issues arising. Definitely speak with your children about consent and use the NSPCC guidance about secrets and privacy etc. So that if anyone tries to hurt them they will speak up.
If people live their lives like those on MN suggest- you’d never ever live together. But the reality is that many many men are NOT abusers and can bring love and happiness to their stepchildren’s lives. Kids benefit from good male role models, and they won’t suffer by you bringing a lovely kind and decent man into their lives.
I met and married my husband within a year- when I was a single mum with 2 kids under 10. My children adore my husband and he brought them so much kindness and care into their lives and healed a lot of the damage their actual father had caused with his jibes and his conditional “love”. My daughter would have DH walk her down the aisle over her own dad.
Communication is key here- speak with him, speak to your kids, and maybe speak to a counsellor too. But don’t let that abusive prick from your past rob you of a happy future, you deserve it @MissedABoo

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:22

You have been with him a year
You don’t live together
you have young children

OP - quite honestly I think you’re being the opposite of over protective

Just carry on enjoying each other and if you’re still together in 15 years… move him in!!

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:23

Is he younger than you? How old is he?

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 09:23

Does he want children?

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