History of abuse. How to live with dp..

[MissedABoo]

.I'm in a relationship and things are perfect really and couldn't be happier.

However I am having a huge problem. I was a single parent to 3dc one of which is a girl. I have only ever had a relationship with their father and noone else after we split.

I was abused by a family friend as a child but didn't realise what was happening at the time as I was too young and the penny only dropped when I was older. Luckily it's something that doesn't really affect me in my day to day life well I didn't think it did until now.

I don't live with my dp but i know he'd be really happy if we lived together and he has talked about buying a house together in the future. The relationship is getting pretty serious and I think he's going to ask me to marry him soon. One of my DC who can never keep a secret accidentally blurted something out which alluded to the fact he may be proposing. This made me happy but then I got a feeling of dread that we'd live together as a family. He knows the kids very well and they adore him.

I feel like I'm bringing a stranger into my children's home, my daughter's home and the thoughts of what happened to me keep coming into my mind. The family friend who abused me was a really nice guy. He was a good friend to my parents, helped them out alot. His wife wouldn't dare think he was capable of any like that. And that's what's going on in my head too. Like anyone is capable of this, even the seemingly nice guys. I've never had feelings like this before..

Whether dp proposes or not isn't the issue but I do need to address the living together issue. I want to talk to him but it would look like I'm accusing him of being a potential peado. I'm sorry if that sounds horrendous but I have a massive urge to protect my daughter even tho it doesn't make sense. Deep down I know dp wouldn't do anything but my parents thought the same too. I sound so irrational and it's driving me crazy. Can anyone else relate?

He's younger than me and doesn't want children. We've spoken extensively about this.

As I say Op, you are being the opposite of “over protective”.

Exactly my alarm bells isn't for him. He could be any man and I would be the same. It's what happened to me when I was young that's triggering these feelings.

When you do talk to him you don't have to make excuses for this. It's fine to say you don't want to rock the boat for you, the kids or him and are happy with things as they are. Don't get yourself tied up in a situation where you try to explain how you feel whilst also having to pacify him because he will take offence of you say you are doing it to protect your children. Keep it simple, don't put yourself in a conversation where he is trying to talk you out of your choice either. If he does that stay firm 'I am happy with things as they are, please respect that'

I think you are 100% right to feel as you do, I'm only sorry it happened because of your own experience. Protecting your children and allowing them the freedom to grow and develop in their own homes is the most basic thing you can do for them and so many parents fail because they choose to put another adult before their kids.

Op

At 5 (in fact much older!) my little girl still wanders around starkers, especially in summer.

my teen girl likes to sprawl on sofa in her barely there nightie

my teen son likes me to stroke his back when he’s watching TV

my preteen girl likes to come in to my bedroom every Sunday morning and we watch TV together in bed

I could go on. And on.
all these things wouldn’t happen if a boyfriend moved on.

Maybe speak to a,therapist first to process what happened to you. Then you can talk to him about it. No rush.

You aren't the problem. He isn't the problem. You're doing everything right to protect your kids.

I split up from my ex 7 years ago and have not and will not move a man in with them. I wasn't abused but I still want to protect my kids. Nobody can spot an abuser, as you're aware they may seem lovely men on the outside.

Just slow down, a year together, even though you've known him longer, isn't long enough.

As PP said, invest in some counselling to help you. All the best OP you sound an amazing mum.

Regarding safeguarding your children, and remember it's not just girls that can be abused, drum into them that if anyone ever says "don't tell mummy" it is imperative that they tell you immediately. Doesn't matter if it is a surprise or a present, still an absolute no.

If he’s as nice as you say he is then talk to him. He will understand and do anything in his power to make it work.

if he shows even one tiny ounce of resentment or annoyance then you know immediately he isn’t quite as nice as you thought.

Of course those things could all still happen with someone else in the home! People really are ridiculous on MN. 🤦🏻‍♀️