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Original poster

Death of Godson

48 replies

madamehooch · 23/09/2023 20:15

I lost my godson in exceptionally tragic circumstances three and a half months ago. It wasn't expected - he wasn't ill. He was there in the morning and gone by teatime.

His mum is my best friend of 35 years. They are my 'family'.

I'm not sure what I hope to achieve from posting here tonight.

I suppose I'm struggling to process my own grief whilst supporting my best friend through the worst time in her life. That's it really.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 23/09/2023 20:16

Gosh that's awful. How old was he?

Summer2424 · 23/09/2023 20:18

@madamehooch
I'm so sorry for your loss 😔 xx

Blanketpolicy · 23/09/2023 20:20

Sorry for your and your friends loss.

Must be so hard to deal with your own grief while supporting your friend. I can hardly begin to imagine it.

HolyHellaciousHeck · 23/09/2023 20:24

I'm sorry, OP. Feel free to tell us about him.

WildCherryBlossom · 23/09/2023 20:28

Do you live near his mother? Can you arrange activities with her, walks or whatever to give her company. Talk or not talk about it as need be but just be there for each other?

Original poster
madamehooch · 23/09/2023 20:29

Thank you for all of your kind comments. He was mid-to-late teens. I was part of his life since he was born. His mum (my best friend) is amazing. She actively encourages me to share my feelings about how I am coping but I feel so guilty on the rare occasions that I do..

OP posts:
Ethelswith · 23/09/2023 20:33
Flowers

Talk about him, letting the tears flow if they come. Cry together, laugh together then cry the next moment.

Find a friend who did not know your godson (well, or at all) and tell them you need to lean on them. People will help, but might be shy of intruding, so invite them in.

Three months is nothing. All the passage of time will do is make it less raw day-to-day, and the first couple of decades is the worst. You've changed because of this - you have to come to terms with that.

If I, a stranger online, could do something that would make your grief a smidgen more bearable, I would do it. But there isn't any such thing. You didn't choose this path, nor did your friend, but you both have to walk it. And I'm so sorry that it has to be done

Ethelswith · 23/09/2023 20:35

madamehooch · 23/09/2023 20:29

Thank you for all of your kind comments. He was mid-to-late teens. I was part of his life since he was born. His mum (my best friend) is amazing. She actively encourages me to share my feelings about how I am coping but I feel so guilty on the rare occasions that I do..

Never ever feel guilty

Hearing about him, from someone who knew him and cared about him (and cares about her) is important.

Luckypoppy · 23/09/2023 20:36

Oh my. How devastating. Please talk about him. Tell us all about him. X

Wallywobbles · 23/09/2023 20:37

I second thé talk about him. When my DSis died we talked about her so much healthier than when my DM died and we never talked about it or her.

Original poster
madamehooch · 23/09/2023 20:44

Because of the length of our friendship, a lot of our friends are shared. They are hugely supportive but, again, I feel guilty if I share my feelings.

OP posts:
LilyLemonade · 23/09/2023 20:47

Oh gosh that is absolutely awful. I'm so sorry.

Do you have any additional outlet for your feelings about him - in addition to sharing with your friend - to help you bear the double burden of grieving and supporting. Perhaps counselling, maybe also journalling, writing poetry, visiting a place you associate with him, or just sharing with others further out from the epicentre of grief.

It is terrible to lose someone just growing up and starting to look ahead to their person they will be as an adult. But it sounds as though he was very much loved, and enriched the lives of those around him in his short life.

Original poster
madamehooch · 23/09/2023 20:49

My godson was a typical teenage boy. He liked going out with his friends, sleeping late when he could and sharing posy selfies in front of the bathroom mirror. He was also very hardworking and very loving. I miss him coming downstairs and saying "hello Aunty Madamehooch', texting me to wish me happy birthday, hugging me in that awkward teen boy way and always knowing that I was his second mum and that he could tell me anything. I can't believe that I'll never see him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
madamehooch · 23/09/2023 21:00

I do think I'd probably benefit from some counselling but my friend is currently doing this and it therefore doesn't seem appropriate for me to do it too if you know what I mean? This is all in my own head - like I said, my best friend is amazing and would actively encourage me to do whatever I needed. I don't know why I can't.

OP posts:
LilyLemonade · 23/09/2023 21:05

He sounds lovely! What a loss for you and for his family :(

It sounds like you feel that you cannot fully express your feelings because your greater duty is to your friend and her feelings must come before yours. (You sound like a very devoted and supportive friend as well as godmother.)

theduchessofspork · 23/09/2023 21:09

That is such an awful loss OP.

It’s completely normal that you are grieving - the same as I imagine his grandparents and aunts and uncles are. The fact that his parents grief is going to be deeper, doesn’t mean yours isn’t valid.

I think counselling is what you need - it’s a safe space to grief without worrying about holding other people’s feelings which is what you need.

You don’t have to tell anyone else about it if you don’t want to. It will probably help you to support your friend.

I am so sorry again, please do get some support.

HikingforScenery · 23/09/2023 21:10

Really sorry to read this. My sincere condolences 💐

Original poster
madamehooch · 23/09/2023 21:10

You are right. I know that there is nothing I can do to help my godson but I need to be there for my friend. I don't feel right crying if she isn't crying too.

OP posts:
YokoOnosBigHat · 23/09/2023 21:14

I'm so sorry for your less, that's awful. I agree that if you can talk about him and keep his memory alive, that will help with the grieving process, but it's so terrible that it's not something you'll ever get over and I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and one another. Thinking of you all.

Sugargliderwombat · 23/09/2023 21:17

You can cry for her, too.

If you're going to help your friend you'll need some help, too.

saltnsaucey · 23/09/2023 21:25

Thanks for telling people about your godson. He sounds like a lovely person. Sincere condolences to you and your friend during such a sad time.

Original poster
madamehooch · 23/09/2023 21:26

I seem to be mourning the loss of my best friend too. She's still here but will never be the same person again.

OP posts:
Original poster
madamehooch · 23/09/2023 21:28

I have found it very comforting posting here tonight. I was reluctant to do so following some of the speculation posted on social media following his death but you have restored my faith in on-line human nature so thank you.

OP posts:
sadsack78 · 23/09/2023 21:32

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't know why these things happen. It's too bloody sad💐

You lost someone you loved. You are entitled to your feelings.

Do you have a sibling or parent you could talk to? You need someone outside of your friend circle to support you and help you feel free to talk about it.

And don't feel bad about seeking counselling- you don't need to tell anyone about it if you feel worried. You can just quietly go along and it doesn't have to be something you tell everyone about if that makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable.

There might also be some kind of bereavement support group you could go to, maybe even on Zoom? Strangers who are going through the same thing might help you feel less like a 'grief impostor' than talking to people in your everyday life.

I hope you are able to get help, OP. You've suffered a huge blow and there is nothing wrong with needing support.

saraclara · 23/09/2023 21:41

madamehooch · 23/09/2023 21:28

I have found it very comforting posting here tonight. I was reluctant to do so following some of the speculation posted on social media following his death but you have restored my faith in on-line human nature so thank you.

Your social media comment implies that this was a complex situation and the manner of his death traumatic (and I'm absolutely not suggesting that you share the details here). So I really think that counseling is in order. You having counseling does not take anything away from his mum's own talking therapy. You both need it. And your friend would want you to have it.