Page 2 | Death of Godson

madamehooch · 2023-09-23T19:15:55+00:00

I lost my godson in exceptionally tragic circumstances three and a half months ago. It wasn't expected - he wasn't ill. He was there in the morning and gone by teatime. His mum is my best friend of 35 years. They are my 'family'. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve from posting here tonight. I suppose I'm struggling to process my own grief whilst supporting my best friend through the worst time in her life. That's it really.

VanderlyleGeek · 23/09/2023 21:48

OP, I’m so sorry for your godson and your best friend. My best friend since childhood was also very unexpectedly bereaved of her teen son this summer, and receiving that phone call from her was stunningly horrific. I’m in the same place as you with all of it.

I too mourn for my best friend; her life it was and as she expected it to be is over. And that bright, lively boy who had such plans…it breaks my heart again and again.

Thank you for posting. I feel strongly that my role is to support my friend without imposing my grief on her. I’m just very sad, and reading your post helps.

Original poster

madamehooch · 23/09/2023 21:59

VanderlytheGreek - we sound like we have gone through very similar experiences. I remember receiving the phone call from my friend. I had just finished work and she was worried about me driving home alone! That just shows what sort of a wonderful friend she is.

I'm glad my posts have been helpful. There obviously seems to be no prescribed map for dealing with grief although my friend and I often joke that she is going through the 'toddler' stage - huge meltdowns with no apparent trigger. See - we even joke sometimes. I think my godson would approve, although it may be accompanied by an eye roll...

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VanderlyleGeek · 23/09/2023 22:08

Yes, madamehooch, I think we have. My friend was supposed to be on vacation with her daughter, and I thought her call was just for a chat while her daughter was off doing something.

I think the “tantrums” are healthy and completely fair! I’ve just ordered my friend stud earrings, one saying “fuck” and the other saying “this”. She’s generally not sweary but she’ll appreciate them.

I definitely the boys would both approve!

Original poster

madamehooch · 23/09/2023 22:21

I love the idea of the earrings! I was trying to find a blinged-up Weeble for my friend as she wobbles but never falls down but I think there's a gap in the market there...

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QueSyrahSyrah · 23/09/2023 22:25

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. The old 'put on your own oxygen mask before helping others' rule is true in many circumstances.

You can't be the best support to your lovely friend if you're struggling yourself, so never be afraid or feel guilty for seeking outside help to process your grief whether that's here, from an unconnected friend or a professional; it will only help make you stronger to help your Godson's family x

StartupRepair · 23/09/2023 22:27

You sound like such a lovely friend. Keep being there for her but seek some support, whether counselling or different friends for your own grief. He sounds like a boy who was dearly loved.

Sureaseggs44 · 23/09/2023 22:40

One of my best friends recently lost her son ( just over a year ago) . It’s so hard to know what to say or do . But we speak about him every time we meet and to be honest I never try to put a positive spin on it , because life is just shit sometimes and I am a bit sick of some people who just try and be positive all the time .someone said my friend was brave , but she’s not really she just has to get through one day at a time , what else can she do ? She has lost so much weight through the stress but she is just beginning to try and get on with her life , whilst never ever forgetting her son .

LaviniasBigBloomers · 23/09/2023 23:09

Counselling would help you enormously. You need a confidential and non-judgemental place to work through your feelings (everyone does!) but it's hard when your life is so interlinked with your Godson's DM, your friend. Honestly, your love for them both is so clear when you write, but you need your own space too.

Thank you for telling us about your Godson, he sounds like a brilliant lad. May you and your friend walk in the light of your love and your memories.

Original poster

madamehooch · 24/09/2023 07:28

Thank you everyone. You have all been so kind. I am probably going to get some counselling but keep it to myself. I will continue to support my friend by following her cues on how we talk about my godson and being there whenever she needs me.

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TeachFirstQuestionsLater · 24/09/2023 07:34

Sending you so much love.

You are a wonderful friend and the best aunty. Xx

Sugarfree23 · 24/09/2023 07:39

Op I get it.
So much focus is on the immediate families grief, but the wider family (you sound like family) are grieving too. Trying to come to terms with it, while trying to support the immediate family is a hard road to walk.

Do you have children of your own?

theworldhasgoneinsane · 24/09/2023 07:40

I'm so sorry and have nothing to add apart from you sound like a lovely person and wonderful friend

youveturnedupwelldone · 24/09/2023 08:00

I get it too, having been in a similar situation.

I coincidentally was seeing a therapist when my friend's child died - she was the equivalent of a god daughter to me had we been religious people. That outlet was absolutely key for me, it meant I had the space I needed to talk without laying it all on my grieving friend - so I'd highly recommend you find one.

I will say though that, although I made sure not to lean on her for support, it helped my friend to know I was deeply grieving too. It showed her that her child really meant something. Years later it helps her to know that I get those moments where it hits you in the face all over again for a moment and it's like it just happened and I cry for a minute even though I've learned to live with it. It helps her that her child's birthday is still marked on my calendar every year and we take time to remember her on the anniversary of her passing. It helps that I have pictures of her on my walls Because it means she's not forgotten. So while you of course can't lean on her, don't keep your grief away from her entirely, especially in the longer term.

Original poster

madamehooch · 24/09/2023 08:05

I have a daughter older than my godson and his brother. She has no siblings so they are like brothers to her. She was very affected by his death.

Thank you for all those who say I sound like a lovely friend. I'm not perfect by any means. There are days when I struggle to deal with my friend's grief as well as my own but she has been there for me during my own previous dark days so I'm only doing what I know she would do for me if the situation was reversed.

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Original poster

madamehooch · 24/09/2023 08:13

It's been a week of several major 'godson-centric' events so I think it's all caught up with me which explains why I am doing the one thing I never normally do - sharing my feelings on social media!

If there can be such a thing in these circumstances, my friend seems to have 'healthy' grief. She doesn't bottle up her feelings, she is comfortable talking about him and how she is feeling and she is having counselling herself. She doesn't have 'better' days - she just has days that are marginally less crap than others.

Sorry I haven't responded to individual comments. I'm rubbish at this tagging lark.

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innovationcabinet · 24/09/2023 08:27

I understand where you're coming from OP.

Maybe on some level you don't want to be seen as 'grief-jacking' (a really ugly thing some people do where they hijack someone else's trauma to make it all about themselves) but this is NOT what you're doing. Your heartache is different shape to your friend's but it's still very real and you need to process that too. It sounds as though your friend wants you to process it with her to some degree? She might even take comfort from sharing with someone who also loved her son. If she's encouraging you to talk, she's saying it's ok to do this. You might actually both find a tiny smidge of healing and comfort in talking about him together.

Grief can be an overwhelmingly lonely experience so if there's a person to share it with, that's a good and healthy thing. You are right at the start of life's most painful journey and counselling sounds like a really good idea too.

I am so sorry for the loss of this lovely young chap.

SallyWD · 24/09/2023 08:47

madamehooch · 23/09/2023 21:00

I do think I'd probably benefit from some counselling but my friend is currently doing this and it therefore doesn't seem appropriate for me to do it too if you know what I mean? This is all in my own head - like I said, my best friend is amazing and would actively encourage me to do whatever I needed. I don't know why I can't.

Of course it's appropriate. Your friend doesn't even need to know you're having counselling but it's a tribute to her son that you're so affected by his loss.
I'm so sorry for both of you.

Original poster

madamehooch · 24/09/2023 08:54

You have all been amazing. I may not post too much more as, like I said, this is unlike me, but I was in a place last night where I needed to talk to people who don't know me. I feel more at peace with how I am feeling. Today is a new day for both my friend and I. It may be better or worse than yesterday but we'll both survive it. Thank you all again and I hope everyone going through anything difficult in their lives has a similar reception if they post on this board.

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LaviniasBigBloomers · 24/09/2023 12:26

You can post any time - people here are really kind (despite the reputation to the contrary!)

Sounds like you've woken up in a better fettle. As my dear pal says, when you're walking through hell, all you can do is keep walking x

sunglassesonthetable · 24/09/2023 14:30

Im so sorry OP that's so sad for your friend and for you.

You're not grief jacking you're sharing and that will be such a comfort to her.

I'm going through bereavement and it's so so lovely to feel that other people care, and are touched and affected. And that you're not alone in your circle of pain.

Offer to gently to talk about him. It will be lovely for BOTH of you. When I have felt very sad I have rung dear friends and said " can we talk about sunglasses?"

I just want to hear them mentioned and feel they are still part of our lives. I don't want the burden of always having to intercept them into the conversation. It's early days but these will become a bigger thing for your friend I think.

And it also respects your grief.

Good Luck OP🌻🌻🌻

LlynTegid · 24/09/2023 14:38

Sorry to read of your loss, but glad to read that the comments made have been helpful to you.

anicecuppateaa · 24/09/2023 14:44

madamehooch · 24/09/2023 07:28

Thank you everyone. You have all been so kind. I am probably going to get some counselling but keep it to myself. I will continue to support my friend by following her cues on how we talk about my godson and being there whenever she needs me.

This sounds like exactly the right thing to do. When dd died, the friends that provided the best support were there whenever I needed them, were happy to laugh and cry with me, and 5 years on, mention her regularly. I’m sure they found it traumatic (her death was similarly traumatic, from fine to life support being turned off in 48 hours) as they have children the same age.

VanderlyleGeek · 24/09/2023 15:22

madamehooch, I so resonate with everything you’ve posted; we and our dear friends are very much in the same place. Thank you for posting (which I’ve considered but not been brave enough to do). And, you are right about the Weeble!

anicecuppateaa, I’m sorry to learn about your daughter and am glad you have have loving, supportive friends.