Dating - how to just not care / invest?

[rosesandpetals103]

I am early 30s and currently trying to date in the hope of finding a partner.

But, I find that I get attached / emotionally invested very, very easily. As in, I’ll go for one date, I enjoy their company, I’ll get drunk, probably kiss them, and then bham, I become obsessed with hearing from them / messaging.

I know it’s not healthy and I am trying to work on myself at the same time so that I am not seeking validation from random blokes.

But, I feel like I need a shift in my mindset too. Anyone have any tips / similar to me / been through the whole dating scene and successfully found someone by being chill?!

I did online dating for just over 3 years before I met my DH. I tried to make it work with few if the men. I used to watch YouTube videos by Matthew Hussey which I found very useful and they helped me to shift my mindset. I felt so 'free' when I could go on dates and just enjoy that moment but at the same time observe the man without letting me fancying him/whatever come between. I was able to see the man for who he was, without creating any fantasies in my head. I knew what I was looking for so I kept moving on until I met my now DH. Even after our first meet up with DH my approach was that if he doesn't keep in touch and make it happen then I won't either. For me I needed to see that he is pursuing me as he is interested in me, not because I am offering myself to him. I kept reminding myself that if a man wants you he will make it happen. And I would never try to convince a man to be with me. It was frustrating at times but I knew I have to keep going until I meet the man I want to marry and have children with. And I did.

Matthew Hussey is an idiot. All of his advice depends upon the men reacting the way he would, which they most often don't.
He advocates setting tests...behave in a certain way and if they do X it means Y.

Why not just ask someone straight up what they mean why they've done something nd say what you would prefer instead of setting tests that they don't know are tests let alone how to pass them.

Anyway. OP how is your own life? I ask as I used to get stuck in this cycle too. Now I have made sure to keep a circle or friends and plenty of hobbies. You need lots of other things to do so you don't get so wrapped up.

Date multiple people at once. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! That should help. I operated on the rule that until we’d had the “boyfriend girlfriend” exclusive convo, I was free to date and so were they. Men will also sense that you’re not totally available with this method as well and this will sharpen their minds.

Don’t have sex until at least 4th date, preferably 6th date. Don’t kiss on first date.

And yes, exactly as @Olika says - you’re observing and interviewing them based on your requirements in a future husband (might be helpful to write these down so you’re clear on your must haves and deal breakers vs preferences). Let them chase you, if they don’t, move on.

Don't get drunk?!

@Sconehenge you are making a good point I forgot to mention. That way you don't get hooked in one person too soon. @Goodornot I didn't pay attention to those advices/videos. He has lots of useful ones that personally helped me to shift my mindset that helped me to find the man I wanted to marry and build family with.

Don't get drunk straight away, don't kiss/ have sex straight away if you feel you may be interested. No judgement but it isn't working for you. You need to keep a bit of mental detachment until you're sure you're both interested. Just tell yourself 'ok great, he seems nice. That was a fun date and I'd like to meet again. I'll reserve judgement and see if this mutual interest keeps up'.

Assume that men are dating others until you established exclusivity clearly. This means they may meet someone they like more. No bad reflection on you. Do this before sex.

Don't spent much time texting, phoning or video calling. Allow connection and interest to build based on in person interactions only. There are loads of blokes doing the rounds who love a nightly hour plus's chinwag before you meet. It's just talk and a lot just like the company. Video call/ chat before meeting if you want to see if there's courteous and fluid chat and they are who they say they are but no deeper inferences.

The key is to form an opinion on what you know first hand, not fantasy or conjecture.

Be more businesslike about early dating. When a man comes along who is a good fit, it won't stay businesslike but I know far too well how it is picking up the pieces when you've let yourself get carried away and someone's lost interest. They're strangers. Don't let your imagination fill in the gaps. You'll be fine.

Don’t drink and don’t kiss them and don’t sleep with them quickly. I’m older so dating was very different when I was young. I remember the BF I had before I met DH. On our first date I let him peck me on the cheek goodbye. That lasted 18 months with him asking me to marry him and me realising he was not for me. Nobody multi dated that I knew 30 years ago but as it’s socially acceptable now that does seem like a good idea. It may just be your personality type overall and I have no idea how easy that is to deal with. I was the exact opposite to you and have rarely even liked men. My approach was clinical and head over heart. It was a struggle to find someone I considered good enough and was extremely fussy. Value yourself, too many young women don’t.

Thanks for your advice all. I am currently chasing a guy who just isn’t interested in and keeps me leaving on read. He just wants to sleep with me… on his terms.

I have no self confidence or self worth because I don’t like the way I look (I need to lose weight), and I just need to stop dating until I sort myself out.

Stop chasing.

I do think it sounds wise to step back from dating OP until your build up your self confidence. I don't mean through losing weight either, but learning to love yourself, otherwise you will find yourself seeking validation from men you don't yet really know and affix your hopes for the future on them. Generally having a full life helps, ie spending time on things you enjoy, with friends etc so that men/a relationship becomes a welcome addition rather than something your pinning your hopes on making you happy.

It’s bad but I really want to message him asking if he wants to meet up. Give it one last shot - I know it’s going nowhere but we used to have some fun nights together.

Nothing any of us is saying is going to matter to you as you are not willing to break the cycle.

I don’t know why I want men who don’t want me.

Probably because I am terrified of actually falling in love because that opens you up to real heartbreak / getting hurt.

Although, by allowing men to treat me with no respect is hurting me.

Oh I know just what you mean.

I've done that for years. Now I have a real boyfriend I'm a real relationship and I'm worried I'm going to get really hurt.

A real relationship opens you up to heart break.

@Goodornot exactly! I get attached after a few dates / intimacy, so if I ever find a boyfriend I’d be worried about getting hurt. I definitely have the anxious attachment style.

Are you sick enough of the results to do anything differently this time though?

The whole thing just really depresses me.

Only you can change that. Stop chasing men and let them pursue you. It takes pressure off you and the feeling you get when a man who truly is interested in you makes it known is liberating. Only then you realise how much energy and time you wasted with other men.

The ones you are having to chase or wait around on are the ones to drop. Try and think that your view of the situation and how things should be are not necessarily theirs, that some aren't compatible. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, just that they are not a good match or worth the time and will likely end with you being burned.

I wouldn't mess any woman around myself but I have known plenty that would and do. Genuine guys who are actually interested in you for the right reasons will communicate and chase you, it shouldn't be a struggle.

If you give too much too soon, they will take and take. If they leave you hanging and you chase them they will string you along when it suits.

Dating wise, I appreciate and respect a woman who wants to get to know one another first for a while before rushing into anything. It doesn't have to be majorly slow but not right away, it gives the wrong impression otherwise just like it would with guys I assume.

Slow down you are moving very fast, you set the precedent. There's only one type of guy who likes that pace, the ones who are impatient and have no intention of commiting.

should I just block this guy? Then I won’t be anxiously waiting for him to message me….

Yes and then delete his number

@Olika that’s the only problem with blocking someone - they stay in your blocked contacts and so you can’t fully delete their number as to do that you’d have to unblock then delete. But mentally I think I’d feel better if he was blocked.

Only meet for coffee and a quick chat.

Don't go to a bar and spend hours with someone you are meeting for the first time and don't get physical with them on the first meeting.

Date multiple people and don't focus all you time/life just on trying to find a partner.

As he is not messaging you then I would delete him. That way he is not on your phone at all as a temptation. Honestly, we all have been in your situation before. But also I honestly mean it when I said when you meet the right person and he is pursuing you, you realise how all these other men were never the right ones.