Dating - how to just not care / invest?

[rosesandpetals103]

I am early 30s and currently trying to date in the hope of finding a partner.

But, I find that I get attached / emotionally invested very, very easily. As in, I’ll go for one date, I enjoy their company, I’ll get drunk, probably kiss them, and then bham, I become obsessed with hearing from them / messaging.

I know it’s not healthy and I am trying to work on myself at the same time so that I am not seeking validation from random blokes.

But, I feel like I need a shift in my mindset too. Anyone have any tips / similar to me / been through the whole dating scene and successfully found someone by being chill?!

I will just live in hope though that he will message me one day. And I have to move on.

Don't pin your hopes on him messaging you at some point. The fact that he's not so far means he's not worth it.

You can do better than that, find someone who appreciates you, likes you for you and actually wants and enjoys talking to you.

He ghosted me for 6 weeks a few months ago and I reached out to him again. He’s not interested in the slightest but for some reason I just can’t move on. It’s really sad.

Its also a choice.

You don't have to message him. You could just not do it.

You're behaving as though you have no agency and no idea.

Once you understand that this situation is entirely of your own creation, you will understand that you have the power to stop it.

Yes I agree with you @GreyCarpet

But it’s like my brain cannot compute that the breadcrumbs of attention he gives me is actually worse than not being in contact at all. I’ll accept any attention over nothing, if that makes sense. And I guess that’s explained by my lack of self esteem.

Does that apply just to this one guy in particular or would your focus change if a new guy was messaging?

@SureWhyNotThen if I had someone else to message (who I had met up with etc) I don’t think I would care. But, I have a scarcity mindset and not on any dating apps at the moment because I hate the way I look. So, when a guy shows interest in me I cling on as I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone else.

I guess I just have to realise there are millions of other guys out there who are much nicer!

I get where you're coming from because I used to be similar, still am to a degree but not like I was. I felt mostly invisible growing up throughout and early twenties. Any interest I did get from women it was like wow someone actually sees me.

Although I've been told otherwise, I feel sometimes I'm not attractive because that's how I always felt, lack of confidence, anxiety, not good enough. It's likely all in your head, just like with me.

I've had long term relationships and marriage which was abusive, I fell into that trap from those old hangups. I was so pleased I had someone that saw me I didn't notice it wasn't healthy and they were abusive.

Now I'm out it's going on in other ways but in a weird way it's taught me something, I've changed and I've learned about myself too. I'm no longer self conscious about my appearance, I am who I am.

I asked that question because it shows you that if someone else came onto the scene, he wouldn't be on your mind. He's not the one solely for that reason. However, be careful not to fixate on someone else that's not worth it.

Don't go through what I did and settle for someone who shows you no respect, it doesn't end well. There are decent people out there, you just have to recognize the bad from the good.

I finally just blocked him! After 4.5 months of him wasting my time, I feel as I’ve taken a step in the right direction to fully move on from him.

Good job, hope you're feeling better about it all now.

Great job! 👏

Don't do it. Think more highly
of yourself. Don't give anyone else your power. Keep hold of it. It's yours and it's precious.