Secondary school applications - your wishes vs your child’s

[MartinChuzzlewit]

DD is in Year 6 and secondary applications are now open.

She wants to go to the local school because her friends are going there and it’s literally round the corner so she doesn’t have to get up too early.

I want her to go to another school, one I went to, that is a 15-20 minute bus journey away and AFAIK hardly anyone in her class is applying, if anyone.

Local school is Ofsted rated good but I’ve heard about problems around smoking. The other school is rated Outstanding, and was a fantastic school when I was there and apparently is still fantastic.

I’ve had a chat with her and she’s firmly determined to go to the local school and doesn’t even want to look around other schools.

Ive said that come year 7 she will likely have a shift in friendships and anyway and over 7 years the other school is far better suited to her, in terms of academia and extra curricular activity.

Before it’s mention I do know that she may not get into further away school but I’d still like to try.

Those who’ve been through this - how do you come to a decision? Do you let your child go where they want? I feel like friendships will inevitably change completely anyway and that’s the only criteria for her going to the local school. I’d rather she tough it out and get the better education.

I let my kids decide for themselves

Dd went to a school a 40min bus journey away throughout secondary and sixth form. None of the things you've listed happened. She had a couple of snow days and the bus was late due to traffic a couple of times and that was it. On the other hand she made friends on the bus in her first couple of weeks that she is still best friends with now.

I think that friendships are very important for kids.

If the local school was awful or if she had specific needs that couldn't be met there or her friendship group was awful, then yes, your wishes should trump hers.

However, this doesn't seem to be the case. The local good school is her choice because presumably it feels more comfortable as she will know people already. I would therefore look around both schools but allow her to choose if possible.
It is also highly unlikely that you will get into an Ofsted outstanding school if you are some distance away. Be aware that outstanding is not always better and may make little difference to your child. Schools change rapidly. Many outstanding schools have not been inspected under the new framework or indeed for some time. Focus instead on finding a school that your daughter feels happy to attend and where she also has a good chance to thrive.

My elder children had a choice of schools. One of them was significantly better than the other. Youngest child did not get a choice. She was unhappy before she started, but after the first day she loved it.

A school that doesn't use isolation is in my experience a school that doesn't recognise issues and hides them. In every secondary school there will be unacceptable behaviour, schools that insist on rules and consequences are vastly superior to those that say they don't need sanctions. It is usually untrue. Schools that simply use restorative practice are best swerved.

I think that your dd should get the final vote. As pp said, go to the open evenings, trial days etc. The most important thing is that she is happy; a happy child will thrive in any environment.

We have viewed two schools. DD picked the school that gave out the most sweets. At 10, they have little idea what a secondary school will be like, and an open day bears little resemblance to what it will be like going there. It's very common to change friends in secondary and if they are that close to their primary friends, they will remain friends even if they go to a different secondary. In fact, it is useful to have some friends in a different school, then if they fall out with school friends, they still have other friends to hang out with.

DD will have a say, but ultimately it is my decision (and so far, the school she likes, is the school I don't like!). Our local school isn't as good as the one a few miles away, but for me, proximity carries more weight. She can walk to the local school, which would make hanging out after school so much easier, and could invite friends back. She will have a 15 minute walk, instead of a 40 minute commute. No relying on public transport, and easy to get home if she's unwell.

I think it's crazy to allow someone so young to make such a big decision, when they have almost no experience to base their decision on. They have no idea how much they are going to change over the next 8 years.

In my (bitter) experience, school buses are one of the worst settings for bullying. You're stuck in a confined space for a set time with a load of kids from school, no teacher, the driver's busy driving. I dreaded the bus every single day.

Of course, not all children are bullied but something to consider. There was also plenty of drama with late buses, missing buses, etc, plus it took fucking ages in the rush hour traffic. So much wasted time, even when I wasn't having footballs pelted at my head and verbal abuse.

If my child could walk to school and it wasn't a bad school I would not underestimate the value of that.

I would let my child pick their school as long as it wasn't a 'failing' school. Don't underestimate how she will feel if you force her to separate from her friends and go to a school she doesn't want to. It is likely to be the difference between her looking forward to it or dreading it. My teenagers were also hopeless at getting out of bed when they were about 13/14 so going any further than a local school would have been a nightmare! I would go and view the schools and see what she thinks though, maybe she will like it.

Well my sister got a place at Oxford, then did a very happy dance on results day when she missed out on the grades and went instead to Durham. My nephew is now at Durham.

I'm just pleased my parents supported our choices and no-one went ballistic at us.

I'm not sure what point you are making really.

That he was totally fine not going with his old friends to Durham and made new ones. These were longer established friends at 18.

A 10 year old wanting to go to a crap school because friends are going is a poor reason indeed. She'll make new ones as an 18 year old did.

Your sister wasn't good enough to go to Oxford but my friends son was. So I'm not sure what your point is. You sister would have gone to Oxford if she'd got better grades I'm sure. She didnt have a choice.

Nobody turns down Oxford if they get the chance and he wanted to go but was wavering because of friends. I'm glad his parents went ballistic at him.and said you don't turn down Oxford because of your friends going elsewhere.

Same here you don't allow a 10 year old to make a choice of school just because of friendships that are fickle at that age.

Nobody turns down Oxford if they get the chance

I think you’d be surprised. I knew someone who turned it down in favour of Durham because of a particular sport. They lied to their parents about having a place and pretended they had fluffed the interview because they knew they’d be forced to go.

When was the "outstanding" school last inpected? It could be off 5+ years ago so doesn't mean an awful lot under the new framework.
Smoking happens in all secondary schools
Better to look at the most recent set of results to decide which school is best, not the ofsted report but also how is their pastoral care? Best to go and look around both. However, working in a secondary school and seeing kids come from non-feeders, they have a much harder time with transition, especially if they are not naturally extremely outgoing

Her reasons for choosing the local school are sound. I'd let her have her choice, my dc all chose where they wanted to go for secondary.

Nope she didn't want to go to Oxford, she only put it down as first choice because the school had told her she would never get offered a place.

Your friend has no idea how things may have turned out had he gone to Durham, sadly life isn't Sliding Doors, we don't get to have two parallel options.

My sister was a pain, she decided at 10 what secondary school she was going to go to, and there was no persuading her otherwise. If the choice is realistic, and you are happy with it, even if it wouldn't be your first choice, then let them have their say.

I think it is very reasonable to listen to the child's viewpoint and consider what they have to say, but not to let them have the final say if the parent still thinks they are wrong. A year 6 pupil is still very much a child with very little life experience and limited ability to weigh up the pros and cons of a decision which may have a big impact on their future. It's not really comparable to a year 13 choosing a University, though even then I woukd argue that most would be sensible to consider the views of their parents and teachers etc.
But a typical 10/11 year old lives very much in the here and now and things that matter very much to them now, particularly their current friendship group, are likely to have a disproportionate influence on their decision. But as adults we know how transient those things often are and should be better placed to see the bigger picture. That said, there are real benefits to a child being in an environment where they feel happy and there's a lot to be said for an easy journey to school so the OP should definitely view her child's preferred option with an open mind. But there are occasions when Mum really does know best.

I think we have to listen more to our kids and trust their instincts so much more than you are currently prepared to do. if you choose for her then how will she ever learn or understand about trust. 10 is definately not too young. adults screw up. they pick schools based on pure results not thinking about the child. they pick somewhere that the travelling time is exhausting. they separate kids from their friendship groups not realising how important these are particularly to young teen girls starting puberty at this age.

The local school sounds like the best option - she'll be able to walk, not rely on buses/lifts (which may be expensive) and she'll be where she wants to be with friends.

But I'd insist she looks at the other options. You have to put 3 choices anyway. And she might feel differently after open days/tours.

Went through it with DD1 last year - she was adamant that she either wanted to go to Hogwarts, or the school some of her friends were going to which had (it's been downgraded since then) outstanding Ofsted but is known locally for having a raging bullying problem, drugs are rife and being one where if you're not a high flier - they give minimal fucks. DD1 academically is a high flier, but is also incredibly anxious, with poor social skills (awaiting an ASD assessment) and it was just going to be a terrible fit for her.

So we made sure to go see the open evenings for the other local schools (conveniently the school we wanted to avoid had scheduled its head to head with its main local opposition so we couldn't make both that night) and she really liked both of the other two local options - we liked one more and so far it's going well for her there and she really is enjoying it (and it's a much better fit for her non-academic needs than the one she'd fixed on going to). She still keeps in touch with her primary school friends - but it was helped that they don't go to one specific school from her primary - because of where the primary is, they tend to disperse over around 3-4 of the local secondaries so they all got a bit scattered around.

Sadly for DD1's plans, the owl from Hogwarts never did arrive.