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Original poster

Is it mean to not invite all members of a group?

34 replies

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/09/2023 20:51

I'm in a book group. There are seven of us (six plus me). I want to invite three of them for a meal at mine. The group has been going for several years and we've all been out together to pub meals, dog walks, etc. But I feel comfortable with three of them, but one of the others looks down on me, and I find I'm always on my guard when she's around and I don't want to invite her to mine. The fifth is nice enough but never stops talking, which gets extremely tedious.The sixth is on a long stay abroad atm. So I'd like to just invite three, which is also manageable as I'm not a great cook and not used to cooking for large groups. But I know if it was me not invited I'd be hurt to be excluded. What do you think?

OP posts:
Move22 · 20/09/2023 20:54

Invite who you want! I wouldn’t cook for someone I was not keen on! Good luck and enjoy!

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/09/2023 20:57

I think that's fine, it's not like you're leaving one person put.

I love cooking but I'd be more comfortable cooking for 4. Lots less stress.

NuffSaidSam · 20/09/2023 20:58

I think using the kids birthday party 'rule' of 'less than half or everyone' applies.

Given that one person is away, you're planning to invite three and leave two out. I'd say that's not very nice, particularly if you know you'd be hurt if it happened to you.

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Thinkbiglittleone · 20/09/2023 20:59

Absolutely invite who you want.
I normally find though, the person who splits the dynamic of a group like that normally ends up being the one being left out of in the long run.

Ragwort · 20/09/2023 20:59

Not exactly answering your question but every book club I have been a member of seems to have someone who just talks non stop and makes the evening all about themselves... I'd love to know how to get them to shut up. Grin

Thinkbiglittleone · 20/09/2023 21:01

But I know if it was me not invited I'd be hurt to be excluded. What do you think?

Sorry, I've just noticed this, of course you are put of order then, you don't want it done to you as it would hurt you, but your happy to make another person feel like that. ConfusedConfused

InterFactual · 20/09/2023 21:02

Yes that would be hurtful. With such small numbers I'd say it's all or nothing.

StarDolphins · 20/09/2023 21:03

Honestly, I wouldn’t leave people out in this situation. It’s a small group, you’ve done other stuff together & I think it’s 1) a bit mean & 2) you might end up getting left out of stuff by doing it.

If you don’t like the other 2, I’d just skip this.

pizzaHeart · 20/09/2023 21:06

StarDolphins · 20/09/2023 21:03

Honestly, I wouldn’t leave people out in this situation. It’s a small group, you’ve done other stuff together & I think it’s 1) a bit mean & 2) you might end up getting left out of stuff by doing it.

If you don’t like the other 2, I’d just skip this.

This^
and if you like someone in particular can you ask them for coffee with you and then invite them to the house next time?

Freddiefox · 20/09/2023 21:09

Of course it’s mean, but you can invite who you like. But you are setting a president and when she’s invites all but you don’t be surprised or offended

Original poster
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/09/2023 21:15

Thanks for your frank views! It's a shame, as I know the four of us would have a fun evening.
The 'less than half or all' is an interesting one.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 20/09/2023 21:32

Instead of cooking a meal just ask everyone to bring something like one brings salad and other quiche etc so you just have to do one thing, I would not leave anyone out as not nice but maybe go to the pub for a meal or a relaxed restaurant and less stress on you. Not nice to be left out and they would feel hurt also and the book club would change forever.

GLORIAGloriarse · 20/09/2023 21:56

Sorry, I totally sympathise about someone dominating the conversation but you would essentially be excluding only two since one is overseas anyway. Out of five/six, that would feel quite deliberate to be on the receiving end of. Don't cause politics in a pleasant small hobby group.

Perhaps you could have some games on standby in case the talker really won't let anyone get a word in? Not my usual style but might help steer them away from the topic of themselves in extremis?

Original poster
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/09/2023 22:23

I really fancy just doing a recipe which I've done for a group of other friends, for a relaxed evening. Inviting the talkative one wouldn't be the end of the world if I wasn't sitting next to her, but having the Queen Bee who thinks I'm common and has been insulting about me, both behind my back and to my face, would cause me huge stress. I can't do it, I don't think. I've posted about her in the past and was told that great MN truth, 'she's not your friend'. And I don't want to have to invite not-friends.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 20/09/2023 22:32

Understand how you feel if she is looking down on you, don't let her get to you at all as she is the one insecure and is trying to bring you down so she feels better in herself, there is always one who has airs and graces but you know she may surprise you and be grateful to be included and least you know after the night what way things really are. If you do the dinner please let us all know how it went as it sounds like it could be an episode of Fr. Ted or Peep Show and could be quite funny.

Londisc · 20/09/2023 22:34

Queen Bee who thinks I'm common and has been insulting about me, both behind my back and to my face, would cause me huge stress.

Is it members of the group that you want to invite for dinner who've told you what she's said behind your back? What do they do and say when she treats you like this to your face (and behind your back)?

BeverleyMacker · 20/09/2023 22:40

I think it's fine. It's not as if you're leaving one person out. That would be cruel.

Dancesaideveryone · 20/09/2023 22:41

How will the invited group take this invite? Would they see it as being asked to take sides?

You could inadvertently find out where people's loyalties lie and it may not be with you. Are you prepared for that?

mynumber · 20/09/2023 23:02

If you enjoy the book club and want it to continue I don't think this is a good idea.

BlueLaLoo · 20/09/2023 23:12

I've come to the conclusion that if you're in a group, irrespective of the dynamics, it is better just to invite everyone. In my experience there's always a sort of natural filtering and 9/10 times you'll end up with who you want getting involved and turning up. People want to feel they were asked, irrespective of whether they'll actually come. It just creates bad feelings otherwise.

I've been on the end of this recently with a group DP and I are in where three of the couples went away for the weekend, and kept it a not so very secret secret from the others in the group. One of them suggested when they got back that we should come next time. I'd have just rather have been invited in the first place this year. We might have gone or not gone, but at least I wouldn't have felt excluded or that we aren't as good friends as I thought we were.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 21/09/2023 00:14

Hmm, I think you can invite the 3, but not just yet.

You need to form independent friendships with them first. So invite one at a time to a coffee and cake or casual dinner - say you want to try a new recipe and don't want to do it just for yourself.

Do that for all 3 of them over a period of time, cement the friendships independent of the group. If that works for all 3 of them (it might not!) THEN organise something for the 4 of you.

Tyremarks · 21/09/2023 00:22

NuffSaidSam · 20/09/2023 20:58

I think using the kids birthday party 'rule' of 'less than half or everyone' applies.

Given that one person is away, you're planning to invite three and leave two out. I'd say that's not very nice, particularly if you know you'd be hurt if it happened to you.

Ridiculous to apply an ‘under-sevens and birthday party’ rule to grown adults, who know that not everyone likes them.

OP, it’s fine to just invite the members you like.

Notonthestairs · 21/09/2023 06:48

@Ridiculous to apply an ‘under-sevens and birthday party’ rule to grown adults, who know that not everyone likes them."

And yet the Op says she'd be hurt not to be invited.

AgentProvocateur · 21/09/2023 07:20

Find out when the one you don’t like is going to be away on holiday, and then invite everyone.

Katrinawaves · 21/09/2023 07:33

Honestly, I think you need to examine your motives here. Because it comes across as a way of isolating the woman you feel looks down on you and getting the upper hand on her. The “talker” is just your fig leaf in case you are called out on this.

If you have only ever socialised with the others as a group, this is going to come across so badly. When you invite the favoured 3 are you going to tell them the other 2 aren’t invited and not to mention it to them? How awkward is that if you are one of the 3! You are lobbing a firework into the group dynamics which runs the risk of imploding the entire book group. Is it really worth it?

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