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Original poster

Is it mean to not invite all members of a group?

34 replies

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/09/2023 20:51

I'm in a book group. There are seven of us (six plus me). I want to invite three of them for a meal at mine. The group has been going for several years and we've all been out together to pub meals, dog walks, etc. But I feel comfortable with three of them, but one of the others looks down on me, and I find I'm always on my guard when she's around and I don't want to invite her to mine. The fifth is nice enough but never stops talking, which gets extremely tedious.The sixth is on a long stay abroad atm. So I'd like to just invite three, which is also manageable as I'm not a great cook and not used to cooking for large groups. But I know if it was me not invited I'd be hurt to be excluded. What do you think?

OP posts:
UnconventionalLife · 21/09/2023 07:47

Of course there's no rule preventing you from doing this, for many reasons outlined by pp there will 100% be ramifications from it & it just depends on how you feel about that.

Particularly if you yourself would feel hurt if snooty woman asked everyone except you to her house for dinner etc.

It's not nice when you're in such a small group. I would not do it personally. Its all or none for me.

Screwballs · 21/09/2023 07:51

Its a bit mean girl. I wouldnt like it, so I guess be prepared to cause an issue within the group if you go ahead.

If it were me, Id at least try and organise for a date that I know they couldnt make, so the invite was there but the outcome is the same. As least then you arent perceived to be alienating anyone.

Also if me, I dont think I would accept your invitation if I realised it was on the basis of exclusion to others.

Tyremarks · 21/09/2023 07:56

Notonthestairs · 21/09/2023 06:48

@Ridiculous to apply an ‘under-sevens and birthday party’ rule to grown adults, who know that not everyone likes them."

And yet the Op says she'd be hurt not to be invited.

I’m including her in this!

Adults need to be OK with other people not liking them. It’s an ordinary fact of life. Every randomly occurring group that is convened for a hobby is going to have some people who like one another more than others and see one another outside the group context. The people the OP isn’t inviting are at complete liberty to invite any or all of the other group members to do something outside of the reading group.

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SoupDragon · 21/09/2023 11:45

I know if it was me not invited I'd be hurt to be excluded.

Personally, I think this is your answer. I'm a big fan of "do as you would be done by".

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/09/2023 11:46

You’re inviting three friends for dinner. What’s the big deal?

HenriettaBaguetta · 21/09/2023 11:55

Tyremarks · 21/09/2023 07:56

I’m including her in this!

Adults need to be OK with other people not liking them. It’s an ordinary fact of life. Every randomly occurring group that is convened for a hobby is going to have some people who like one another more than others and see one another outside the group context. The people the OP isn’t inviting are at complete liberty to invite any or all of the other group members to do something outside of the reading group.

Show quote history

It's not a randomly occurring group of people who just happened to meet each other. It's a book CLUB with only 7 members. Only 2 of which OP wants to exclude.

OP can absolutely invite who she wants and do what she wants, but that wasn't her question. Her question was, would it seem mean to exclude 2 people?

Which it would.

Original poster
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 21/09/2023 19:03

Londisc · 20/09/2023 22:34

Queen Bee who thinks I'm common and has been insulting about me, both behind my back and to my face, would cause me huge stress.

Is it members of the group that you want to invite for dinner who've told you what she's said behind your back? What do they do and say when she treats you like this to your face (and behind your back)?

Behind my back I mean literally - when she was in my house she commented about me twice to someone else and I heard what she said. The 'someone else' looked extremely uncomfortable but didn't say anything. I called out QB about one of these and she just smiled sweetly at me. She clearly had no sense of embarrassment. She also said something jaw-droppingly rude about my house when standing next to me! (Along the lines of "that picture is awful!") But the other members are loyal to us both, I think. I'm the youngest, and the only one prone to gossip ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 21/09/2023 19:07

Some interesting comments - thank you. Actually I found the reference to the school group (under half, or all) to be very helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 21/09/2023 19:15

Katrinawaves · 21/09/2023 07:33

Honestly, I think you need to examine your motives here. Because it comes across as a way of isolating the woman you feel looks down on you and getting the upper hand on her. The “talker” is just your fig leaf in case you are called out on this.

If you have only ever socialised with the others as a group, this is going to come across so badly. When you invite the favoured 3 are you going to tell them the other 2 aren’t invited and not to mention it to them? How awkward is that if you are one of the 3! You are lobbing a firework into the group dynamics which runs the risk of imploding the entire book group. Is it really worth it?

I did think about this. "Come for dinner but don't tell Gertrude or Agatha as they're not invited."
Not on, really!

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