If your son was guilty of sexual assault - how far would you hold yourself responsible?

[Sizzlysausage]

I know this is an awful question.

I have been thinking about this though because I have also been thinking hard about how I bring up my son to ensure he is decent, kind, respectful etc. in all his relationships but especially with women.

If I am honest, I struggle with this. I try to talk to him about porn, including that it is a totally unrealistic in terms of what most women want, and about consent, for example. And it's certainly not that I see anything in him that would suggest he would not be respectful. However, I am also aware that there is this backdrop of toxic masculinity and worry that my own influence may not be sufficient to counteract all of that. I also hear teenage boys (including him and his friends) talk about girls and TBH they can be total dicks (and yes, I talk to him about this too).

I considered when I wrote this whether this should be 'I' or 'we' - I have an involved husband. So it's not that I think it's solely my responsibility to educate my son or that the failings of children should be attributed solely to the 'failures' of the mother. But I do think I am more concerned about this than my husband is for some reason. How are other people dealing with this?

I would not hold myself responsible in any way because I have done my absolute best to educate him on this sort of thing. I am a feminist and regularly talk to him about language/things he has heard at school, I will challenge anything he says or does that I think is anti women.

There's nothing else I can do, he's 15 and a half now so he'll be out the house and at uni in 3 years. Whatever he gets up to is entirely on him, all I can do is send him out there knowing I've done my absolute best.

Yes, if my son sexually assaulted someone I would feel partly responsible. I would also feel that DH had a big part to play in it, his schools and, overall, the society we bring them up in.

I think teenagers are generally a bit dickish so I try to cut some slack, but I do have these conversations with Ds and have done most of his life. What I personally think is really important is that these conversations can't start when they're teenagers, they need to be baked in from when they've very young. I've had some odd looks from people in the past when I've casually mentioned that I started teaching DS about consent when he was about 2. Clearly it wasn't about sex in those days, but the basic premise that if someone doesn't want to be touched, he doesn't get to continue to touching them. And vice versa. DH is currently finding himself having similar conversations with his nephew - dad isn't in the picture and unfortunately SIL thinks its "cute" when nephew is cuddling up to people, stroking them, kissing them etc even when they are clearly uncomfortable.

A couple of years ago, off the back of the "intro to sex" type stuff happening at school, I found myself having quite a detailed conversation with DS about condoms. he was year 6. My instinct was to avoid the conversation, but then I realised that actually, he might actually listen to me and absorb the messages now in a way he won't when he's 15 and thinks he knows everything. So I went with it.

Basically, I take the same approach to this stuff that I do to teaching them road safety - I might not let my 5 year old walk around on the roads alone, but I talk to him about how to do it safely in advance of him needing that information in a few years with the goal of embedding and normalising behaviours now for later. A type of programming I guess!

Not at all. But I am very confident I have I have done my patenting to the absolute best of my abilities. Also he is 28 and has lived away for 10 years more or less and had a lot of infuences beyond me. If he was 14 maybe I might have felt more responsible.

I wouldn't feel responsible. I have done all I can to educate my children and teach them about consent and issues they will encounter and face in their lives. There are other influences out there which I do my best to counter. In the end, children make their own choices that we may not agree with or are against everything we have tried to teach them.

I don't have a son but surely to some extent it would depend on their age.

If he was 18 I imagine that I would hold myself more responsible than if he was 40.

If he was still a child I might, not as adults though

As with any topic, I'd say I'm responsible for being a good parent, teaching right from wrong and educate them on consent and boundaries.

I'm not responsible for their adult behaviour and what they do having been given that information.

Not in the slightest. Any more than I take credit for mine being as much of a feminist as me and highly emotionally intelligent.

I think so long as you spend time talking about consent and that porn isn't real and that what is seen in porn is abuse then there can be no responsibility.

It's up to them what they do next.

My son has ASD was arrested a few years ago, the week after he turned 18 for viewing illegal images. I won't lie, it totally side swiped me and the entire family. He's always been a beautiful tempered young man, polite, helpful, prefect in school etc and did great in his GCSEs. He had had some gender identity struggles that ended in suicide watch for 12 months and we had the Gp and psych involved etc from age 13-17. I have a background of childhood Trauma and sexual abuse myself so all 4 of my children were raised to be respectful etc and know boundaries. When we talked about internet safety they all swore they would never do anything fishy.

Anyway. He got arrested. Our lives imploded but nobody apart from very close family knew. I was told by the police it was 6-7 images and they seized all my kids electronics. Took 3 years to go to court due to Covid. I just couldn't face dealing with it , i was on medication and trying to resolve my strong feminist feelings with my love for my son. so my DH did it all. Solicitors and court etc. . Which was my biggest ever mistake as it was ONLY AFTER sentencing that I could talk to my son and out it all spilled out that he's had a porn addiction that started at the gender forums when he was 12-13. The furry forums made it worse. He was incredibly confused and it was too late for me to make him tell the police that he's been groomed, to try and get those adults punished. He got a ten year SHPO and is on the sex offender register but the judge said he had the best probation report he'd ever read so with rehab he can apply to have it removed later.

The week after it hit the local news and everybody knew. My kids were very well known due to an activity group. My 12 yo daughter was publicaly roasted and lost friends and my 24yo daughter had just had a baby and online speculation was horrific.

Then it turned out that MY DH had been protecting me (!ha!) and it has actually been closer to 1500 images . But what the papers didn't mention was that it was Overwhelmingly anime drawings and hentaii. No actual living children had been exploited ( thank god) which doesn't really make it better but it was so fucking conflicting for us all.

2-3years on and his "rehab" is a phone call from probation over a month and a visit from them at home/or the police every 4-6 months. One course about the harmful effects of porn usage that was 9 hours over 6 weeks. Him sat in a room with other offenders. That's it.

I still struggle to interact with him at times. I love him, of course I do. But we still live in the same place and I grew up here. I'll be going about my daily business and a friend from school will spot me and literally do a running U turn rather than talk to me. I can't say I blame them but I'm trying my best to move forward and these silly interactions remind me, Haul me back to reality.

I feel terribly guilty. I have clearly failed him. He had a terrible start to life. His dad beat me black and blue and him and his elder sister saw a lot they shouldn't have. I left when she was 2.5 yo and he was 1.4 yo. But both of them have issues with trust and yes that is my fault. He clearly has a deficit in him somewhere, a missing building block in his foundation, and yes it's at least partly my fault. Although they did not have a bad child's hood at all after we left. On the contrary. They had an excellent childhood with me and a man that adores them. But the following two children I had, raised in stable loving homes most certainly do not have these issues. So yeah it's my fault and it kill's me.

@LookingForPurpose I'm so sorry you have been through this, it sounds horrendous.

I just wanted to say thanks for all responses so far - I am reading and will respond but juggling with work this afternoon, so didn't want people to think I had posted and then run.

I think it would be natural to feel guilty, as in 'how did I fail and what could I have done better as a parent?' but at the end of the day, an adult dc is entirely responsible for their own actions.

I wouldn't feel guilty. He's 11 and since he was born I've been very consciously careful with boundaries. Have been with DD too. Talk about song lyrics now. Already had talks about porn (which it's pissed me off to have to do so young). I've spoken about what to do if he witnesses things, in age appropriate ways, so when he's in his teens all these discussions are part of a life-long narrative. I'll keep going and I won't ever stop.

You'll notice I'm using the word "I" and not "we". I'm doing my best. I really am. His father has done SFA. I'm trying to make up for that. I'm trying to make up for/form an alternative narrative to the outside and online worlds while not making them cooler! It's a massive and possibly impossible job. But I truly don't know what else I could do.

I wouldn't feel guilt. I'd be ashamed of him. If he was in a police cell, id not be rushing to go to get him out either.

I would, however, offer my apologies to the goctim(s) if that weee possible. I'm one myself and it would mean something to me if one of the mothers of one of those sons apologised, even though I know it's probably not her fault. Knowing that I was believed and he wasn't being blindly backed up would mean a lot, even if she said "I have to support him because he's my son, but I believe you and I hate what he's done to you."

This. I'd blame myself in the way I blamed myself when my NC DM died, like there was anything I realistically could have done. I guess for me part of it is I was brought up Catholic and blaming yourself for every one of life's problems is a core value instilled from a young age (despite not being anywhere in the Bible AFAIK).

Not at all.
People are free to make their own choices in life. If someone I share DNA with decides to sexually abuse someone that's not down to anything I did.
@LookingForPurpose or you. You were not responsible. Ever.

@LookingForPurpose this was not down to you. It really wasn't. I can't bear to imagine what this must have been like for you and your family. But please free yourself from that feeling of responsibility. Even in their mid teens, our offspring make their own choices. And ASD throws a whole different spanner into the works.

Depends on his upbringing- if had experienced or witnessed abuse etc I probably would, but otherwise no.

It is in the bible. Women are to blame for everything, starting with Eve.

I don’t have boys, but in my experience some parents don’t even seem to hold their own son responsible for their actions, let alone themselves.

My daughter was raped by her ex boyfriend, and even though he actually admitted it, his parents blamed DD, claimed she was lying and called her all sorts of horrible names.

She was then stalked and harassed by another boy she met at college. The police were involved, went through her phone and were pretty alarmed by his behaviour and went to talk to him and his parents. Again, she was blamed, called a liar, abused and violently threatened by his parents. The same boy has gone on to behave inappropriately with several other girls in DD’s friendship group and has other complaints made against him.

I don’t hold either sets of parents responsible for their sons’ behaviour and I don’t expect them to blame themselves or anything like that, but no wonder these boys behave like they do when that is their parents response

@LookingForPurpose it's not your fault please don't feel that way. It's due to a mix of

• Asd
• society
• lack of understanding of Asd in the criminal justice system
• failures of sex education to keep up with tech

Ps anime not real children? I had no idea that would be illegal - and I'm a highly educated feminist with a (baby) son

I wouldn't hold myself responsible in the slightest! I have always raised my ds's to respect women and to know right from wrong! Their df however would be a different matter, he's a disgusting sexist mysoginist!

I agree some parents can be totally in denial as a defense mechanism.
My mum had a friend who's son had a brain tumour that impacted his development and learning- I remember being 13 and he was about 18 or 19 and we went to the playground near the restaurant we were all eating in and he said stuff to me like he could see my knickers when I went down the slide and smiling. I felt so uncomfortable but didn't say anything to anyone as I felt like it might not be his fault (although in hindsight he only said stuff like this when I was alone) I had to block him on Facebook a few years later due to inappropriate messages to me.
Years later my mum told me this friend had fallen out with her other best friend as that woman's daughters had been making up false accusations about her sons behaviour online - she lost a life long friend as she couldn't believe that her son was a sex pest

i wouldn’t blame myself at all!

my sibling is an alcoholic with lots of mental health problems, should my mum blame herself for that? No of course not!

RB's father took his teen son to Hong Kong, paid for 3 prostitutes for them to share in beds alongside each other. This kind of abusive parental behaviour should be avoided. We can all see the results of not giving children appropriate boundaries. The type of parent that would do such a thing isn't given to introspection and self blame. So no, OP, all you can do is bring your sons up to respect other people, call them out on inappropriate behaviour when young, explain why, and hopefully they will grow into young men who understand self control. No blame would attach to you if not.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum yes, they are classed as ‘pseudo-images’