If your son was guilty of sexual assault - how far would you hold yourself responsible?

[Sizzlysausage]

I know this is an awful question.

I have been thinking about this though because I have also been thinking hard about how I bring up my son to ensure he is decent, kind, respectful etc. in all his relationships but especially with women.

If I am honest, I struggle with this. I try to talk to him about porn, including that it is a totally unrealistic in terms of what most women want, and about consent, for example. And it's certainly not that I see anything in him that would suggest he would not be respectful. However, I am also aware that there is this backdrop of toxic masculinity and worry that my own influence may not be sufficient to counteract all of that. I also hear teenage boys (including him and his friends) talk about girls and TBH they can be total dicks (and yes, I talk to him about this too).

I considered when I wrote this whether this should be 'I' or 'we' - I have an involved husband. So it's not that I think it's solely my responsibility to educate my son or that the failings of children should be attributed solely to the 'failures' of the mother. But I do think I am more concerned about this than my husband is for some reason. How are other people dealing with this?

I like to think I've taught them right from wrong and they have good morals and I could hand on heart say I did everything possible but if I was actually in that situation instead of it being hypothetical? I think I probably would spend time reflecting and trying to work out where I went wrong. What I didn't say or do that I should have and vice versa. What red flags I missed. Where I failed.

It depends on how you have brought up that child.

If they've not been guided well, have been exposed to inappropriate things duch as sex, drugs etc, if no attempt to correct poor behaviour has happened, then yes that parent is partly responsible.

If the parent has done their best to instill good values, appropriate behaviour and has guided the child as well as they could but that child as an adult still behaves badly, then it is not the parents' fault.

Sometimes, even with all the help and guidance in the world, an adult child turns out bad.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

Hentai often depicts images of ridiculous things like tentacles and people in a sexual situation. Or animal human hybrids having sex. This is enough to be classed as bestiality and if the person is in a school uniform , even in a cartoon, it's classed as under age. Plus there is the confusing phrase "making an image". People often assume that making images is either creating them by photographing etc or drawing them but just by making an image appear on your screen after downloading it odd classed as making an image. You can "make" an image that has been totally drawn by somebody else but when people hear about that they automatically jump to a photo studio in your house with cameras and a poor child that's being forced to pose. Then they assume the rest of the family knew as how wouldn't you?

I don’t know whether his father is still alive, but he obviously needs to be in prison.

@WelcomeToLagos not only is the father alive, but he has come out in strong support of RB.

My DS is now in his 40’s and a father of two young boys.
I would hope that having brought him up with strong morals and having had open conversations about consent and behaviour I don’t see how I could be held or feel responsible. I did my very best, just as I did with my DD.
I have every confidence that he and my wonderful DDIL will bring them up likewise.

I see this area as being mostly his dad’s responsibility: he is learning how to treat girls and women by seeing how his dad treats me. Like a previous poster, I’ve taken care to teach him about consent and boundaries about touching etc since he was tiny.

How’s that work for those of us who raised our sons as single parents? It’s every parent’s responsibility.

It’s harder for single and lesbian mums for sure. I think boys learn to be men from men, if not their dads then grandads, uncles, teachers and sports coaches, family friends.

I think it would be natural to feel an element of guilt or responsibility. Whenever a crime is made public and lot of people certainly look to the parents/ childhood type of up bringing for an answer to criminal behaviour.

I imagine sometimes the upbringing is a cause or trigger for those that have experience abuses. However many people who commit sex crimes have regular normal childhoods. I think you can only do your best to guide him to do what is right. You DHs role is also crucial in how he sees your DH treat you, but also how to accept it or not. I imagine growing up in a home where dad has no respect for mum and mum tolerates it would not be a great example of how to treat women.