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Original poster

Posting for traffic !!!death/bodies trigger warning!!!

43 replies

bereavementhrowaway · 18/09/2023 09:11

As title, I know this isn't the right place but can't anything definite from Google etc. and the more suitable boards are slower.

My poor Mum died at home yesterday afternoon at 3 and I'm on my way to her now. Due to arrive 22 hours or so after her death.

My father hasn't made arrangements other than calling a nurse or something to confirm her death and I suppose make her look comfortable, as it happened on Sunday. She's lying in bed now.

Being blunt because not sure how else to put in and I'm tired. How bad is a body going to be after sitting there that long. Should I call someone now? She was quite ill and thin, and I am scared of seeing her in a terrible way. She was proud and would hate to lose her dignity too.

Would the undertaker come into the bedroom with me/tell me if it's OK to come in?

To avoid dripfeeding, I do not get on with my father at all, he's likely to be insensitive at the worst time and I would like to avoid drama. Hence not discussing with him.

OP posts:
Pinkflamingopants · 18/09/2023 09:15

I would ask the undertaker to go in first. If they don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see your mum like that then maybe go and visit her at the chapel of rest once they have done their part in making her look better.

Pinkflamingopants · 18/09/2023 09:15

Also sorry for the loss of your mother xxxx

swimminglessonadvice · 18/09/2023 09:17

Having seen my father as he died about an hour later he looked very ‘gone’ it was terribly terribly sad. I then later visited him in the chapel of rest. They dim the room. I think they’d put some collar thing on dad? I just remember thinking he looked very grey.

Finally we have open coffins and the day of his funeral was not good, it wasn’t like him.

so yes please deffo get the funeral director to go in.

swimminglessonadvice · 18/09/2023 09:18

And very sorry for the loss of your mother.

FiftynFooked · 18/09/2023 09:21

I think your parents GP should e called to come and certify the death as that will then trigger the production of the death certificate. Sorry can’t help with how she’ll look as I’ve only seen them immediately after death. So sorry for your loss and hope it all goes ok xx

woopdedoodle · 18/09/2023 09:22

Would your Dad allow an undertaker in?
Its a hard time for everyone and he may have gone into some kind of denial.

Callywals · 18/09/2023 09:26

So sorry for your loss. You need to call an undertaker immediately. They will go in the room first and decide whether it would be too upsetting for you to see your mum at this stage. Personally, I wouldn't go in and see her, I'd ask them to take her and look after her at their premises and let you know when you can visit her in their Chapel of Rest. The same thing happened to me with my darling mum and you really need to involve undertakers asap. They are very respectful, that is what they are there for, to look after our loved ones when we can't anymore.

Nolongera · 18/09/2023 09:30

It a long time since I knew the details, but I would be calling a funeral director ASAP.

Depending on how long it is since she saw a doctor, this might count as a sudden death and require the police to attend.

Jennalong · 18/09/2023 09:32

Firstly the death has to be confirmed by a Dr, even though you say she has been there 24 hours. I'm not sure I believe your Dad when he says he phoned a nurse and nothing else has been done ( no ambulance / house call etc )
An undertaker is not the person to confirm a death .

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 09:33

Sorry for your loss.

I've seen a few dead bodies under very different circumstances and all looked different. My Nan after about 5hrs, she was still on the operating theatre table and just looked asleep. Granddad was in the chapel of rest at the hospital after a day or so and I remember he looked grey and silicone like. One was after a few days and it wasn't a pretty sight, but the smell is what stuck with me.

I'd say if she's been at home since yesterday I'd as the undertaker to go in first.

These images will stay in your head forever, so it depends how you want your last memory to be.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 09:34

Also, an ambulance should have been called as they need to confirm death I believe and they may also take her to a chapel of rest which would be much nicer for you.

Bumblebee112 · 18/09/2023 09:36

@bereavementhrowaway I’m so sorry for your loss. Speaking from experience, I would contact the undertaker and have them go in at this stage. As others have suggested, you can then see your mum at their chapel of rest. Once gone, I’m my experience, loved ones have looked thinner and much less themselves and you may find it quite distressing seeing her as she is now.

Gingernaut · 18/09/2023 09:37

Round my way, district nurses wait at least an hour before coming out to confirm death.

Once death has been confirmed by a medical professional, call the undertaker.

Bumblebee112 · 18/09/2023 09:38

And yes, I would check that the death has actually been confirmed by a medical professional. The times I’ve needed it, the death was confirmed by GP or district nurse.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 18/09/2023 09:44

I am sorry for your loss. I would call funeral director, the nurse will have had to follow protocol, the funeral director may already be aware and waiting for the nod to collect her. Take their lead.

Balloonhearts · 18/09/2023 09:49

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have someone with you who's more supportive than your father. I can describe how she will likely look, I just don't want to upset you further.

After 22 hours she will likely have a smell about her, not overpowering but she won't smell right. Rigor mortis should have subsided but whatever side she is lying on will appear bruised due to her blood no longer circulating. The rest of her will appear very pale and possibly slightly blueish around the lips and under her eyes.

I hope the description wasn't too distressing for you. I personally would wait to see her in the Chapel of rest as they will have had a chance to take care of her and make her presentable.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 18/09/2023 09:50

Thanks all, I'm going to make some calls.

OP posts:
Sisterpita · 18/09/2023 09:51

@bereavementhrowaway a lot of good advice.

You may want to consider asking a cleaner to go in and change the bed, clean up etc. after the undertakers have been in. This way the room is tidied nicely.

MoonShinesBright · 18/09/2023 09:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lilyblue5 · 18/09/2023 09:54

Sorry for your loss OP.
Agree with everything others have said.
I watched my Dad die at home but he was taken away by the afternoon.
At home it’s almost like it’s a waxwork of the person you knew. I had to do it but visiting them at funeral director was a weird experience that will stick with me. Prepare yourself that it won’t look like the person you knew. All the best OP x

MaggieFS · 18/09/2023 10:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

If the death was not unexpected, then you don't need a GP and certainly not an ambulance. Some nurses are allowed to certify deaths as a pp has said, so it's worth checking what paperwork has been left with your father.

Call an undertaker, they will tell you exactly the form you need to have before they can take you mum to to the funeral home. It's a couple of years since I did it and I don't want to give you the wrong info.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 18/09/2023 10:10

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 09:34

Also, an ambulance should have been called as they need to confirm death I believe and they may also take her to a chapel of rest which would be much nicer for you.

Please don’t call an ambulance for a non-traumatic death at home. Ambulances are needed for sick people and are scarce enough as it is. They will not transport those who have died a natural death at home, neither should they. You say a nurse certified the death? They should have left paperwork stating this which the undertaker will need in order to remove the dead person. Sorry for your loss.

WhoamiWhoareyouOhNo · 18/09/2023 10:11

In my culture it is normal to see the dead - open caskets at funerals etc.

My dad died at home. Of course I went into his room. We called the doctor, the police and the undertaker. The first two to confirm death/ cause of death, the undertaker to collect him.
We had a wake at home. The undertakers returned his body to his bed when he'd been cleaned up and dressed. We had him at home for 3 days before he was taken to the crematorium.

Go in and see your mum as she is. There's nothing to be afraid of

Pebblesontheside · 18/09/2023 10:14

I’m deeply sorry for your loss 💐 and I hope you have other members of your wider family and friends close by, to support you.
I would ask the undertaker to go in first to tidy your mum before you see her to say goodbye.
When you go in to see her, just take your time and do and say whatever feels right to you at the time, not what you feel you ‘should’ do.

Ask to be left alone with her if you want to, to say your goodbyes. My dad died when I was 18 - mum asked if I’d like to give him a kiss goodbye on the forehead, and I did but hadn’t considered how different it would feel once he had lost the warmth of his body. I hope that isn’t upsetting for you, but I just mean say goodbye in the way that feels right for you, not someone else xxx

ScottBakula · 18/09/2023 10:20

My DH died at home so I understand some of the things you are going through.
I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned.
Call the ambulance service explain what has happened they will come out and verify the death , because it's at your DM's home ( rather than hospital/ rta etc ) the ambulance crew will notify the police who will come to you / your DD for a brief interview . If a postmortem is needed ( likely) the ambulance crew will arrange for a mortician to pick the body up.
The postmortem can take a few weeks , during this time you need to get a interim death cert ( ask for 4 or 5 as you can not photocopy them) so that you / DD can start making arrangements for the funeral.

Have a look on gov.com 'tell us once' of it covers your area you only need to fill in one form and it goes out to all the utilities/ bank/ Council tax/ benefits etc.

Also on gov.com look for bereavement benefits, this is a lump sum , then monthly payments for about a year to the next of kin , it's a huge help towards funeral cost and the wake but can be used for absolutely anything.