Posting for traffic !!!death/bodies trigger warning!!!

[bereavementhrowaway]

As title, I know this isn't the right place but can't anything definite from Google etc. and the more suitable boards are slower.

My poor Mum died at home yesterday afternoon at 3 and I'm on my way to her now. Due to arrive 22 hours or so after her death.

My father hasn't made arrangements other than calling a nurse or something to confirm her death and I suppose make her look comfortable, as it happened on Sunday. She's lying in bed now.

Being blunt because not sure how else to put in and I'm tired. How bad is a body going to be after sitting there that long. Should I call someone now? She was quite ill and thin, and I am scared of seeing her in a terrible way. She was proud and would hate to lose her dignity too.

Would the undertaker come into the bedroom with me/tell me if it's OK to come in?

To avoid dripfeeding, I do not get on with my father at all, he's likely to be insensitive at the worst time and I would like to avoid drama. Hence not discussing with him.

Thanks again all, I'm with my brother. He's currently persuading my father not to delay until tomorrow after I summarised your advice. Jesus christ. Apparently there is a death certificate but undertaken hasn't yet been informed (I called them to check). Hopefully will all be sorted, I wouldn't have had the confidence to ask the qs without Mnet.

So sorry for your loss; the undertakers are fab and will do a lot of the paperwork etc for you and guide you through the process and take your mum into their care and guide you from there. I’d ask your brother to get your dad to think about who to use and call them asap

Very sorry for your loss. I wouldn't recommend seeing her body until the undertaker has been in. I saw my fil 4 hours after he died in hospital, he was declared dead but wasn't in the Chapel yet, he was a horrible yellow/grey colour, his eyes and mouth were open. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw him, for quite a.while after.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP. I’m another that would recommend waiting until you can visit your DM in the Chapel of Rest. I’ve been with two relatives when they died and up to about an hour post-death which was ok but after that I waited a few days until they were at the funeral home and the undertakers had taken care of them. I hope everything goes as smoothly as it can and glad you have your DB for support.

I second this. My DH saw his DM shortly after she had died and not in a chapel of rest. He had nightmares for weeks and I wouldn't usually call him sensitive. He refused to go and see her at the undertakers because it upset him so much.

Undertakers are amazing people that will do whatever you think will make you most comfortable.

I am very sorry for your loss OP.

It won't be a death certificate because that has to come from the registrar, but it sounds like it could be the form the undertaker needs in order to be able to remove the body and which someone will need to take with them to register the death within 5 days. You'll have to make an appointment with the registrar.

www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies

Firstly I am sorry for your loss and hope the undertaker is at least on his/her way . My DH died last year, at home. i saw him in the ambulance after death was declared, I went to view two days later as there had to be a post mortem and again when he had been brought back . I was told by the undertaker that I could go as many times as I wanted until the cremation. I didn't return as, I felt he no longer had anything to do with the remains;he was gone. You do not have to view if you would be distressed, please don't be pushed into doing so, and think of how you will feel not others.
I hope I have not distressed you by telling you the above. We are all different and only you know how you feel.

Once again, I am sorry for your loss.

Just to clear up some of the misinformation on this thread;

If it was an "expected death" - I.E. she was already identified by her GP as nearing the end of her life, through illness or frailty - then there wouldn't have been a need for an ambulance to come out.

She may have been under the care of the district nurses (perhaps for end of life medications), in which case some district nurses do undertake verification of death.

The GP doesn't need to see the patient deceased to be able to produce the death certificate, if the patient was already known to be reaching the end of life, and they had been seen by a doctor in the last 28 days.

If it was a sudden, "unexpected" death then yes, an ambulance would usually come out, and they would also notify the police who would liaise with the coroner about whether they felt there was any circumstance to the death that required coronial involvement. If the coroner doesn't need to be involved the ambulance crew complete verification, details are passed to the GP and the death certificate produced over the next few days.

If the coroner is to be involved then usually they'll produce an interim death certificate, and a final death certificate won't be produced until after the coroners inquest has taken place/concluded.

It's quite possible for OP's mum that the next steps now are just for the undertaker to be called to collect her and make her next arrangements.

it may vary in different regions but actually sometimes you do have to just call an ambulance. It may seem a bit of a poor use of resources but that’s just the way it is. (From personal experience of finding my dad’s body the day after he died recently and being advised by both the GP and 111 that I had to use 999 to call an ambulance. I’m a doctor and could clearly see he’d been dead a while but needed them to do the paper work, liaise with the coroner’s office and arrange removal to the appointed funeral director).

I am so glad that your brother is there, OP.

Look after yourself and trust your instinct.

I agree with pp that Tell Us Once is a superb service.

Brother and I are waiting in the local pub for the undertakers to arrive. Thanks again everyone for the support.

Undertakers were amazing. Told my brother to wait, and whisked her away gently. I glanced before and wished I hadn't. It wasn't peaceful as my father said. But was only a half second and I hope I can get over it and remember her how she was.

So sorry thinking of you xx

So sorry @bereavementhrowaway its very very hard. It’s a traumatic time. Look after yourself

Thinking of you OP.
x x

An ambulance is not appropriate, tbh. If a nurse came out, she should have helped your dad with the appropriate people to inform. Has a doctor confirmed the death and going to issue a death certificate? A funeral director will only take your mum if a doctor has confirmed a death. A funeral director will then come and take your mum and go through all the details with you and your dad. You will be able to see your mum in the chapel of rest. I would wait until you have spoken to the funeral director and discuss seeing your mum, as it’s nearly 24 hours since her death, it can be quite traumatic. Sorry for your loss

Just found this again in 'threads I'm on'. I hope you are doing Ok, OP?

we kept my mum at home for more than 2 days after. For some of that time she looked uncomfortable and for some of the time she looked relaxed and sleepy. It is hard to predict. Best have someone else check first