Anyone else still very undecided about children in their 30s?

[StillAFenceSitter]

I am a regular on mumsnet but NCed for privacy.

I am 34 years old and I still cannot figure out if I want children or not.

I thought by this age I would have had a clearer vision for my future especially regarding children, but if anything I become more and more unsure as the years go by.

I am currently single. I know that if I want to find a have a family, I should do that in the next few years as a matter of priority.

However, having kids sounds like a never ending slog to me. Looking at friends and family, most marriages with children seem to be very imbalanced in terms of childcare and emotional labour. Women's careers (never men's) are so often damaged by the arrival of children. It seems like patriarchy really kicks in once you have children both at home and at work.

Every time I think about the above, I feel panicky and trapped by the idea of having kids. Being tied to a man I might otherwise not want to be tied to. Being tied to a place I might not like anymore. Being pushed to trying to do it all with kids and work, or worse ruining the career and financial stability I worked so hard for.

Perhaps that is compounded by not having ever experienced any broodiness. I literally don't understand the feeling when women talk about a physical yearning for a child.

Is there anyone else out there who is in their 30s and still so unsure? What are you doing to clear your mind? Do you take it as a sign that children are just not for you?

Thanks

I've been in the same situation as you. Eventually decided inquire comfortable with the thought of not having them.

My legacy will be (hopefully) to have contributed towards the creation of a society where women do not feel at all disadvantaged physically, mentally, emotionally not financially from having had children, and are on truly an equal par with men in all aspects of childrearing.

If you're not sure you want them, I would advise not to have them. They are wonderful but since nothing comes for free in life, they come with a heavy burden on all aspects of your life (and body!).
I always knew I wanted them (and was broody - still an when I see a newborn and I already have three!!!) so I have no regrets at all but basically you need to put your life in brackets for a few years - it is a huge labour of love demanding many sacrifices (if you want to parent well).
Best of luck! X

I wouldn’t bother at your age personally.

I could have written your post, word for word. That doesn’t help but just to say you’re not alone!

I'm 38 and have been happily married for 10 years and although I'm 99% sure I'll remain childfree, I still have moments of doubt when I cuddle my 1 year niece, and spend time with my family and realise I won't have what my parents do when I'm their age. It's hard and confusing but most of the time I'm glad I don't have kids and don't think motherhood would suit me. I think I need to accept that there will always be a bit of sadness, and what ifs there.

From reading your op I wouldn't do it, it's really really hard work and I'm someone who was desperate for children and have always been very maternal . It's been a big shock

You haven't given any reasons why you want them so I wouldn't if I was you. Maybe if you meet a long term partner it might confirm one way or the other. I love having children but have always wanted them and have a husband who does as much for the children as I do, I know that's not always the case.

You have to actively want kids imo otherwise youre depressed by the never ending slog

Honestly I wouldn’t do it if you are anything less than 100percent sure you want to.

Having children is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and has been incredibly difficult at times.

The pregnancies and childbirth did serious damage to my health: I am now disabled and have chronic pain as a direct result.

I also have an autistic child who can’t use regular childcare and needs a great deal of support so my career (which was once very successful!) is completely destroyed.

Now personally I wanted children so intensely that even if I’d known what would happen I would probably still have done it.

It really wasn’t a calm rational “overall I think having children will enhance my life” decision, it was a kind of baby madness where I just physically needed to have a baby and couldn’t have been happy without that.

So given you are still so ambivalent, in your shoes I wouldn’t!

I think if you're not sure, you shouldn't have them. There are pros and cons for both- but the disruption of children is huge and lifelong. If you enjoy your life now I'd stick to that.
Mind you, I speak as someone who definitely didn't want children-until I was 37 and suddenly did!

I agrée with the others, hold off unless you start to desperately want them. I got to 28/29 and had a desperate urge. Like a physical ache to be pregnant and have a baby.
That feeling carried me through the long slog of sleepless nights and I think if I had been ambivalent I might really have struggled

I often have the same dilemma. Perhaps when and if I have a loving partner, I will change my mind.

You don't want them by the sounds of it so don't have them!

I was pretty sure for a long time that I didn't want them and then somewhat suddenly, I did want them but I had been married 5 years at that point and was mid-30s. We have 2 lovely DDs and I am very glad - sometimes it's been hard but generally, it's been great. As others say, there is a heavy toll on your career/earnings and potentially on your body.

Since you say you are single, in your position, I would be wondering how/when I would find a husband - would I end up marrying him just to have kids? - or whether I would try to be a single parent.

For me I think it depends why you don't want kids.

My parents seem to hate eachother (still do but won't seperate), my dad didn't parent (suspect neurodivergent and just couldn't handle looking after kids alone and was terrified of bodily fluids so would refuse to do nappy changes or look after a child with so much as a runny nose never mind D&V). My mum resented doing 100% of childcare, housework and worked 4 days a week. I saw that model and I came out of childhood not wanting marriage or kids. It looked horrendous.

I grew up, through my 20s I saw different models of relationships and parenting. Met my DH, we got together on the understanding I didn't want either marriage or kids. He had a completely different upbringing to me and over the years saw how his parents treated eachother, his relationship with both parents. I trusted him, he was always an equal partner. I realised marriage and parenting could be different, that he could be an amazing husband and father.

Ultimately I changed my mind, he luckily agreed, married and decided to have a baby coming up to mid-30s. And he was equal. He would take days off if the kids were sick, he was equally willing to go part time for childcare. He was prepared to take any hit as much as me (as much as was possible). He did 100% of household chores when I had horrific morning sickness. I've not regretted it for a second.

I don't think I'd have changed my mind if I hadn't met him. However, if it had been other things that put me off - like not wanting to go through the sleepless nights, being covered in bodily fluids, potty training, the finances, the school runs/afterschool clubs, loss of complete freedom etc then meeting my DH wouldn't have changed my mind because those things wouldn't have changed.

Very personal decision, and one you could always change your mind on for the next few years - well unless you have one, you can't exactly put them back 🤣.

I'm the same. I'm with someone and neither of us are sure. I lean to not but then I see everyone else having babies and it feels like I should be unhappy not having them and people talk about it as gift "giving your partner children" etc. It would be easier if one of us was dead set against.

For me personally I think it comes from my own childhood, my parents were loving but emotionally immature and I ended up parenting them. I used to want a huge family but mostly so I felt that I belonged but it was really the idea not the reality. I have lots of issues around money and also find it difficult when I talk with some women who define themselves solely as mothers (as my mother did) and I wonder where they have gone. I fear I would lose myself.

I think alot but ultimately I don't feel the urge and that speaks to me. Although I do wonder if I'm wrong in some way snd that I'll regret not really knowing.

I'm in a similar position and found this article instructive: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/sep/04/what-i-tell-friends-torn-about-having-children

by not having ever experienced any broodiness. I literally don't understand the feeling when women talk about a physical yearning for a child
That was me at 36. Had been with DH for 17 years and I sort of expected to wake up one day feeling broody. It never happened. I knew no friends or family with babies, had zero contact with children. After some discussion we decided that we would go for it. I fell pregnant the first month and was a bit horrified TBH.
Anyway it turned oout to be the single best decision I ever made and DH feels the same. I had DC1 at 37 and DC2 at 39. In hindsight my only regret was not starting a couple of years earlier as I would have had a 3rd but we decided to stop at two healthy children. This was 28 years ago.

I always used to say I wasn't very maternal (I wasn't - I was the last person asked to hold a baby). Never had any interest in anyone elses kids. People used to tell me it would be different if they were my own which pissed me off no end. I'll never admit it to their faces, and it pisses me off even more, but they were right 😂.

It's a gamble, I know others that struggled and probably if were being honest with themselves wished they had stayed child free. But I adored that baby from the second I saw their little limb buds on the screen. It scared me how much I loved something that I hadn't met, that there was no rational reason for.

There is no shame in deciding you don't want kids, you certainly don't need them for your life to be complete. And they are hard work. But not desperately yearning for them doesn't mean you'd be a bad mum.

I agree that it can be a gamble. But it's a gamble where items better for everyone to risk your own personal regret if you gamble on not having children than risk your own unhappiness and the unhappiness of others if you gamble on having them.

I never yearned for them, I suppose I expected that I would have them but knew deep down I didn’t want to be a mother.
My own mother was an alcoholic and her behaviour had a huge impact on me but my younger sister always wanted kids.
I’m 56 and never regretted my decision to be child free.

Me. I have always thought I would have children because that's the usual, average way in life. But I've never been broody, I've never felt that urge to have children and to hell with everything else like some people would. I would want to be in a good place financially, career-wise, relationship-wise etc before having children.

I worry a lot about money and I'm very aware of how much a child would cost in childcare and the affect on earnings during those early years. I have friends who didn't think about all this until after they were pregnant, and were shocked about how much it would all cost.

I know life isn't all about money, but I think for me to have children I would need to have a supportive partner who was completely on board and completely 100% willing to step up and do their bit financially, and recognise fully how pregnancy and early child rearing affects women. There are lots of stories on MN of women still paying 50:50 whole on statutory maternity pay, leaving them with virtually nothing while men carry on with their lives the same.

I would also dread the teenage years and the issues that come along with it.

But looking further ahead, I am wary of the fact that parenting is a job forever. Plenty of people are still living with parents into their 30s and being subsidised by parents, with mum doing their washing, cooking dinner and taxi'ing them around. I would hate to have a 30 year old adult child still living with me like a 13 year old.

Maybe the fact I am unwilling to sign up for that means I shouldn't be a parent.

I'm the same too. Same age and single I do get the occasional pang of I want a baby but I don't feel broody when I look at other peopes at all! Enjoy my freedom and lay ins haha. I feel like I cant distinguish between not wanting them or not wanting them alone, feeling that realistically im not meeting anyone and may have to go down the donor route so it all feels a bit blurry!

Depends where in your 30s you are imo.

I'm 38 and have a 16 yo and 11yo. I think if id got to my age now without kids I wouldn't have wanted them cos my life wouldn't have been set up for them iyswim. I'd expect I'd be too stuck in my own ways etc, but I can't say for definite I suppose.

I never desperately wanted kids (but i did just assume I'd have them at some point) and then when I got pregnant with DD I just thought "oh I'd better get on with it then". But it wasn't something I'd thought about prior to getting pregnant.

I hear you on the ambivalence - it's not talked about enough, but very common from what I can see. Although if you allow me OP, you don't sound ambivalent in the slightest! You give a very long and, to my mind, sensible list of reasons why you think parenting looks fairly awful, and say that you have never felt broody. Where is the struggle?