Anyone else still very undecided about children in their 30s?

[StillAFenceSitter]

I am a regular on mumsnet but NCed for privacy.

I am 34 years old and I still cannot figure out if I want children or not.

I thought by this age I would have had a clearer vision for my future especially regarding children, but if anything I become more and more unsure as the years go by.

I am currently single. I know that if I want to find a have a family, I should do that in the next few years as a matter of priority.

However, having kids sounds like a never ending slog to me. Looking at friends and family, most marriages with children seem to be very imbalanced in terms of childcare and emotional labour. Women's careers (never men's) are so often damaged by the arrival of children. It seems like patriarchy really kicks in once you have children both at home and at work.

Every time I think about the above, I feel panicky and trapped by the idea of having kids. Being tied to a man I might otherwise not want to be tied to. Being tied to a place I might not like anymore. Being pushed to trying to do it all with kids and work, or worse ruining the career and financial stability I worked so hard for.

Perhaps that is compounded by not having ever experienced any broodiness. I literally don't understand the feeling when women talk about a physical yearning for a child.

Is there anyone else out there who is in their 30s and still so unsure? What are you doing to clear your mind? Do you take it as a sign that children are just not for you?

Thanks

Your post comes across quite strongly in favour of not having children.
Not everyone wants them and your life can be full and happy without them. (Also, they are very, very expensive!)
Do you have a good social life? Plenty of friends?
Personally I always wanted children, but I can appreciate that it's not the case for everyone.

If ur not sure then don't! You have to really, really want them because it isn't easy at all.

I always wanted to be a mum. Both my kids were planned and they do bring me so much joy, I cldnt imagine life without them and love them both so much.

However, it does limit your life and is hard work. If ur not sure about whether u want them you shouldn't have any. U have to be really sure. The reality is much harder than u can imagine and I feel like I went in with my eyes wide open.

I was always ambivalent about having children. Never liked anybody else’s, and felt like I didn’t have a maternal bone in my body. The idea of being stuck at home with a baby, potty training and weaning, made me feel utterly suffocated.

But at the same time, I couldn’t quite let go of the idea of having adult children when I was older. A family that was bigger than just Dh and myself. So when I hit 35 I thought “well It’s now or never, might as well have a stab, might not happen anyway”. It happened immediately.

The early years were hard, but Dh is very involved and a lot more patient than me, so it was fine. And now they’re older I enjoy them! I haven’t regretted it at all, even at its most grinding.

Me !!! I'm just waiting and seeing right now not happens .

80% a no, have a partner

I have a 1 year old and I suppose it is a slog, it doesn’t let up but I love it. I know plenty of people who don’t love it/weren’t certain and had them anyway, I also know people who are child free by choice and I’m often jealous of their holidays and weekend plans but I’d not swap my life for it and I know they wouldn’t want mine!

Slightly more does fall to me than DP but it’s also motivated me in a way nothing has before. Having my LO was the kick I needed to set up my own business and complete some post graduate courses and I absolutely plan to out earn DP after we’ve finished having babies/got through the nursery years. So I don’t think it’ll hold me back too much in that respect in the long term anyway.

I was not ready for DC in my thirties but had them, (however I knew I did ultimately want children) I now finally feel "ready" at 48 but glad I didn't wait till now as I'm going through menopause and would have missed out.

It didn’t occur to me to have kids until I was in my 40s.
Until then, it just wasn’t on my radar. Not sure why…

I don’t agree with the “if you’re not sure then don’t” line.
Children tend to come along when they do. Or don’t.

Don’t have children unless you REALLY want them. I have 4 and I utterly adore them and always knew I wanted to be a Mum. But it’s still exhausting and you have to sacrifice a lot. If you really want children, then the sacrifice is worth it for the result of having children.
I have a close friend who wasn’t sure about having children, went back and forth on it. I recommended that she didn’t do it unless that was what she really wanted. She ended up going for it as it seemed like “the done thing” within our friendship group, felt like her family expected her to. Now don’t get me wrong - she loves her daughter, and looks after her beautifully, but has admitted to me that it was a mistake and she never really wanted kids but thought it was expected of her. It’s made her really unhappy and she’s given up a lot for a life she didn’t even want. It’s very sad. You have to really want it.

If you're not sure, don't do it.

I'm a 34 year old female debating with myself if having a child is something I want to do or not. For context, I was engaged for 10 years previously. My Fiance had a daughter 8 years old when we met. We never got married and split up. I have since met someone else, with twins, completely unreliant on me to assist in child care like my previous partner. However, he is content not to have anymore children. A younger me, always imagined I would be a mother. The experiences of being a 'stepmom' has really confused me.
The majority of my friends have children, and I see and hear the extreme of having children; good and difficult.
I'm so conchious of my age now, coupled with previous high prolactin levels causing no period for about 2 years, I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My current partner is amazing in everother way, but it's still early days and I can't help but feel confused. I understand his point of view, and we have spoken about the way I feel. I guess I'm just looking for anyone who may have been in a similar situation. TIA. x

I never felt the urge. But DH wanted one so I had one. Just the one. My child is the light of my life! But yes it takes over and you lose things like your own hobbies and career for a decade or so.

Taking a longer historical perspective, it’s great that most women who live in liberalist democracies truly have options and much more freedom than say 100 - 150 years ago and are able to choose whether to have children due to contraception.

There is an element of societal pressure still about having children. It felt to me like everyone had an opinion about what we should do with our lives and we had to be quite assertive in speaking up for ourselves about our life choices!! (I wouldn’t feel the pressure to justify myself today though to anyone as an older woman now). I really felt this 10+ years ago especially with some members of my DH’s family who are from a Mediterranean country and family for them is life so they couldn’t understand why we were waiting!

But it is an intensely personal decision. I wanted children but wanted to establish some sort of career first which I did. In my case, we had one child through choice which so far has been amazing. Some members of my extended family are perplexed why we don’t have more but I just smile now and let any remarks flow off me!! ‘it works for us!’

Bit of a roller coaster and, yes, my career has taken a back seat and I think you are right in most cases still in this country, it is the female’s career which is put on the back burner but that was kind of my choice and it doesn’t have to be like that. Parental leave can be shared absolutely equally and I know people who have done this but as DH is the larger earner and as I wanted to look after our DC, I stayed at home with her for a year before resuming my career. it was important to meet the right partner who does support us financially with me but also supports my working life. lots of mums (and some dads) bring up children alone so you don’t have to have this.

From your op, you sound very intelligent and thoughtful but go with your gut, do you want to bring another human into the world?

For me, it was yes and it has been like a reawakening to see the world through her eyes and there has been lots of joy and love which are the most important things but there have been countless very sleep-deprived nights etc.. etc.. and now the worries of the tween years, moving into the teen years but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

i wish you clarity when making your decision - and you may find you just fall into it one way or another!!

Ahh, just seen OP was written in 2023 so this is really just to @HBRose what I have written probably still applies. I don’t know much about being a good step mum but it is an important role that has been sadly stereotyped by fairy tales such as The Brothers Grimm! 😊 You say your partner is content not to have any more children but would you be? Do you think this partner could be a long-term life partner?
Regarding your periods, are they likely to come back?
I would try to envisage your life five - ten years from now, do your own children feature in that vision? You can have a very fulfilled life without children too eg career, travel, pets and being a great step mum. But yiu may feel something is missing.

You don't sound too unsure!

I was in the actively broody camp,so in a way it was easy.- I knew I'd be unhappy if I didn't try. If I hadn't felt that, tbh I think it would also have been easy. But I was broody for as long as I can remember, so I would have been a different person.

I've no doubt you would like your children if you had them, because most people do. But you will like your life just as much if you don't.