How to respond to boasting? Or just give up on the friendship?

[JoelleL]

Have a friend I’ve known for years. Nowadays maybe meet up maybe twice a year and have a nice time.

But she’s a real boaster and I think that perhaps I should give up the friendship. I’ve got young kids, not much time and the boasting means I don’t get much out of it. But then I feel bad as I’ve known her for over 20 years.

Last couple of times she’s got in touch it’s been to say something like “Just booked a 4 week trip to Australia!! Dreading the flight with [her 4 year old]” or “Lost half a stone with [some fad diet] and off to Italy next week. How are you?” type of stuff. Even worse if I respond honestly with how things really are with me (which generally isn’t great due to elderly parents and children with additional needs) she responds by saying something even worse has happened in her life!

So how do I respond to latest boasting text (which relates to a holiday) and do I give up on the friendship?

Why is it boasting for her to tell you she's off on holiday?

It might be a bit tone deaf if you're struggling with money or time, but I wouldn't say it's boasting.

Tbf she should know who to share expensive plans with and who not to, but maybe she just thinks that as her mate you want to know what shes up to. Does she know you're having money issues?

All through my 20s I had friends with extra cash swanning off travelling and I was a SAHM with a baby from age of 21. I didn't thjnk they were boasting for telling me about their plans, their lives were just different to mine.

I can see how this is hard. Rather than thinking of it in terms of giving up the friendship, maybe you could consider that you don’t have room for this in your life right now, but maybe you can reconnect at a point in life where things feel a bit easier, and she doesn’t come across as having quite so much to prove?

You’ll get all the usual types telling you you’re just jealous (and it’s 100% normal to feel envious of someone else’s lovely holidays when you’re really struggling) and that you are somehow morally obliged to feel nothing but joy for her successes and pleasures. But it is hard when a friend is so self absorbed that there is no room for your experience.

Friendships rarely succeed when there is boasting, jealousy, tone deafness and lack of common ground.

And it's fine to drift away and make new friend. Thats normal and part of life 😊

If you’re not getting much out of the friendship just distance yourself. It sounds like you barely see her anyway. You don’t have to end the friendship in a dramatic manner.

No doubt she is aware of the disparity in your lifestyles and is rubbing it in. Just ignore it all.

I don’t see that as boasting, she’s sharing what’s happening in her life.

most friendships don’t last when their is jealousy in it.

I have a friend who goes on numerous holidays a year, I’m not jealous of her I’m happy for her.

Is it boasting to mention that you're off on holiday when having a catch-up with a friend?

You clearly don't like her so just fade it out. I don't know why women are so often "friends" with people they can't stand.

Doesn't sound like she's boasting

Even worse if I respond honestly with how things really are with me (which generally isn’t great due to elderly parents and children with additional needs) she responds by saying something even worse has happened in her life!

I’m a bit confused - you don’t seem to like it when she shares good news, but then you also don’t like it when she talks about anything bad in her life? 　If you just don’t like her, full stop, let the friendship die.

I’m paraphrasing but it’s like (via text)

Her: “Its been ages! I’ve lost a stone on a diet and off to Italy to lie in the sun. How’re you?”
Me: “sounds great! Things been a bit crap here. My father in law died, my mum’s been in hospital again and the been a long summer with his kids! Let’s meet soon i need a drink!”
Her: “my mum had a heart attack and a stroke. Sorry about your father in law”

maybe it’s me but the communication I have with other friends is so different.

plus she is definitely boasting. She has told me in the past that she intentionally makes her life sound better than it is because it makes her feel better. Fair enough but my other friendships are based around honesty and mutual sharing!

It doesn't sound like boasting it sounds like a conversation between friends . I have friends who take 3 or 4 holidays a year. I'm quite happy with my one holiday a year and not remotely jealous at all

It’s not a conversation though. It’s how she gets in touch so we’ll not be in touch for a while and then she’ll text but it’s always to tell me something she considers really good.

actual in person conversations are usually ok. But like I say she has freely told me she exaggerates the positive to make herself feel good. I think maybe we connect differently and with really close friends we tend to connect by sharing difficulties too.

@Bunnyhair thanks yes that’s good advice. She’s always been like this (in fact used to lie frequently about her life when we were teenagers) so she’s always been sort of a fun friend rather than a true friend I’d call in an emergency iyswim. I suppose as I get older I feel I want to focus on my existing “true” friends but maybe when I’m even older I’ll have more space for a bigger range of people.

It’s not so much jealous I feel but more uncomfortable that I think she’s trying to use me to make herself feel good if that makes sense.

It’s hard to know what’s really going on but from your example I would think she is trying to be upbeat and not burden you with bad news in the first message, especially if you aren’t in contact that often (who needs a friend that only reaches out when they are upset?) then realises it sounded over positive and told you her life actually wasn’t that great either, but because it’s text it comes over as boasting and then a pity competition.

When she says something you find obnoxious, have you tried saying something jokey like “it’s a good job we’re friends, otherwise I might think you’re trying to show off about X” and explaining why it makes you feel bad, e.g. “because I’ve been struggling with my weight due to stress/won’t be able to go on holiday as I have to look after family/have just had a massive bill/whatever”

What is she like in person? If there is no boasting when you’re actually speaking then it could just be texts creating a problem. If she is still full of it when you call/meet, then perhaps you need to have an honest word about it or distance yourself. I think the comment about making your life seem better could apply to a lot of us - no one wants to rant on about their problems in company as it would make for an utterly miserable meet up, so we all gloss over things to some extent. I guess it’s the difference between saying “I’m fine” or “I’m doing amazing OMG you won’t believe . . . “ - only you know which applies!

I’d be inclined to be really direct with her

”hey enough with the holiday mentions, I’m not facebook no need to impress me! Can we just have a chat ? How’s [4 year old]?”

If it works great, if not then you’ve lost nothing.

@Bambooshoot In person is better actually. Although it all feels fairly superficial stuff. But I think I generally have a nice time. I suppose it’s just a different friendship to others I have. I’m questioning now whether me and other friends are too negative!! But lots of my other friends are in similar circumstances with kids with additional needs as we tend to band together and life trying to get adhd / autistic children through school and life isn’t a walk in the park or a holiday in Italy!!

@JoelleL oh dear, she doesn’t read the room very well, does she. FWIW, my best friends are the ones who can manage to make conversation about something beyond what they’ve been up to. If this friend can be steered into a different kind of conversation, does she recover any of the qualities you once enjoyed? Does she have a sense of humour? Do you like the same music / films / etc?

She’s clearly not someone you can rely on for much emotional depth - but when life is tough and lonely it can also be nice to keep people around who you can swap inane animal videos with or whatever.

Also - TOTAL solidarity re: SEN parenting. My world has shrunk to a handful of people who get it, and it gets harder and harder to have ‘catch-up’ chats with other friends.

I don't think there's any way to get her to stop talking about her holidays etc that won't offend her and effectively end the friendship, such as it is. I think you need to accept this is how she is and if she's fun enough in person for it to be worth it then great, and if not, the friendship has simply run its course. You say it's not a deep connection even at its best so I don't think it's worth trying to complicate/improve it with awkward conversations about how you think she's a braggart.

It does sound like that she only contacts you when she has something that she wants to show off. If you are not getting anything from the friendship then call it a day.

@Bunnyhair Yeah I think that’s maybe it….my life is so utterly different to hers now. Solidarity back to you too!

I do have fun when I see her. She has a good sense of humour. But I suppose I feel basically uncomfortable because she’s either insensitive or she wants to make herself feel better by favourably comparing her life to mine. I can deal with insensitivity but I can’t with what I suspect is the reality which is she thinks her life is better than mine and wants to wave that in my face so she feels good.

She sounds a bit narcissistic. I also had a friend like that, who used to lie in childhood (and into adulthood). Self aggrandising stuff.
She was always very "if I'd been to Tenerife she'd been to Eleven-erife." Tiresome.
Any of my complaints about my life were countered by her with "worse" things about her own life, rather than chatting through my problems together. No empathy, and self obsessed. Will always make you feel like shit.
End the friendship.

@MokaEfti yes you’re probably right. I hadn’t thought of her as being a narcissist but you’re probably right. I don’t know if she lies now because I’d have no way of knowing but it was ridiculous in teen years although none of us ever challenged her because I suppose it was too embarrassing.

i might meet her one more time and see how I feel but my me time is so precious I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I am sure you and your friends are not too negative! Just that with friends you see all the time you can share the good and the bad and it evens out. For someone you only contact now and then, launching in with bad news instead of happy stuff might seem a bit weird.

But from what you’ve said since, it does sound like she’s not a friend that is ultimately doing you any good. If she belittles you for any reason then she is not a friend, she should be building you up! It’s always sad to lose people, but it seems you need to decide on balance if having her in your life makes it better or worse.

I hear you on having kids with additional needs - I get very resentful of all those lucky people who can just say they took the kids swimming or out for pizza or to the park at the weekend, and they all had a lovely time - would be a different story for us. They aren’t boasting but I still sometimes wish I could tell them to eff off, instead of having to smile and say how lovely, but no, we stayed in this weekend.

I deliberately put resentful in my sentence and not jealous. It is hard though.

@Bambooshoot I totally hear you. I wish people could understand better but it’s one of those unless you’ve personal experience you couldn’t get it.

I think the reality is I don’t get much out the friendship and we see each other so infrequently. I don’t think I come away from seeing her feeling down but I’ll look out for it if I do see her again. I think it’s now more a question of how I want to spend my precious time!

You can end a friend ship for any reason you like.

BUT IF you want to work things out with her.. you say you're honest and she's not.. have you ever said to her

How are you REALLY though friend

Or 'that all sounds so lovely have you been enjoying it or mega stress busy? '

Give her the chance to open up. You could even say 'you know you told me you convince yourself your life is great when it can't always be, please know you can talk to me about it'

It doesn't sound like you like her anymore though so I guess why should she open up to you.

Just as a side note I've probably been talking to my friends about how happily surprised I am I lost my baby weight as I feel like I can't/ shouldn't say 'still heartbroken about my relationship break down' every single time they ask me how I am or what I've been up to, if any of them thought I was boasting I wouldn't see them as good friends