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Original poster

Only child left to start Uni, grief and panic attack

39 replies

Clipclopclickplop · 15/09/2023 19:15

My only son, who I have raised with just the two of us has left to start an amazing degree at a lovely small university. We have fought together to get his autism diagnosis, we laugh, have our catchphrases and he has been the most wonderful son to raise, he is basically my reason for living.

I am beside myself with grief that he is no longer here, I cant hear him chatting to his friends online, he won't come home for 11 weeks.

I am close to having a full on meltdown panic attack as I do not know how I can cope being alone without him for so long. I want him to have an amazing fulfilling time and succeed in everything he aims for but how do I deal with the agony of him not being at home? Any tactics welcome please as i need to be strong for him!

OP posts:
Breakawaytour · 15/09/2023 19:18

Oh massive hugs to you xxx it's such a huge change to your life of course you're going to feel bereft. Have you got any close friends or family you could be with tonight? Anyone able to come to you now?

Bythebeach · 15/09/2023 19:20

You’ve given him wings so he can fly and that’s a huge testament to your parenting. And now you have to do something harder and braver and live without him. I can hear the overwhelm and panic in your post. Take it hour by hour to start with. It will get easier slowly and you will find your way and work out this new way of life. Your son will still need you from afar. Good luck!

thunderboltcity66 · 15/09/2023 19:22

Bless you op. It must be very hard when your life has revolved around your ds for so long and suddenly he has gone off to make his own way in the world.

I think you know this level of dependency probably isn't healthy and I'm sure you want your ds to go off and do great things with life. I think it'll take time to get used to him not being around and you need to allow yourself that time to adjust. Be kind to yourself. Then dust yourself down and start living life for you! Find a hobby, start a club, meet friends, garden, decorate, bake and cook what you like, read, lie in. Be completely selfish. You've earned it.

GoodStuffAnnie · 15/09/2023 19:22

If you are panicing….

look up vagus nerve videos on YouTube or asmr videos.

WhisperingHi · 15/09/2023 19:23

This must be so hard. Allow yourself to grieve, it's ok to feel the way you do.

The logical side of your brain will know this is good. You wouldn't want a child who doesn't want independence, who holds himself back.

He's doing so well, because he knows he's loved. He'll have a positive inner voice because you've nurtured him and given him the best childhood.

Once you're over the hump of unhappiness, could you have a think about what you'd like in the next phase of life? Any new hobbies? Places you'd like to travel?

ChateauMargaux · 15/09/2023 19:25

Probably not likely to be well received on here but I am a homeopath... I use remedies and Bach Flowers to help myself and my family through life transitions. It works for me.

I found it really hard to drop him off in London but there were so many lovely encounters during my 3 days there it made me feel like the city would take care of him.. and it has.

The drive back was brutal.. it's a 12 hour drive.. I howled for part of it. But had a good audio book.

When I visited him in October, it was much easier to come back and I felt like I could breathe again.. like I had been holding my breath for 6 weeks.

Thia year was easier.... but I still had my separation remedy.

Chamomileteaplease · 15/09/2023 19:26

Fantastic that he has gone off to do something great.

However, you need to make your own life great too. I have a year or two to go but am definitely planning for it because like you said, it can leave a huge gap.

What is the rest of your life like now?
What have you been wanting to do but never had time?
Are you sociable? Do you need to look at clubs etc?
Do you want to get fit?

However you do it, you need to make a real effort to make your own life lovely too 😀.

Dizzydahlias · 15/09/2023 19:26

He sounds like a lovely son.
Is there any chance you can pop to see him in a few weeks ?

My DD started university last year. She was regularly FaceTiming, messaging and the holidays when she was at home for long. It did t really feel like she was gone for long.

shiningstar2 · 15/09/2023 19:29

What a massive achievement for him ...and for you. You have played your part magnificently in helping him acheive his full potential and now you have your reward. You have given him roots and wings.
And now comes the hardest, most unselfish part of all op. The next few weeks are crucial ....especially with a teen who has autism. He will at some point probably feel incredibly homesick and how you respond will be so important. It will be so hard for you, whether you are hearing of exciting new courses and friends or him feeling a bit sorry for himself without your support. Tell him you miss him but are looking forward to seeing him at the end of term. Maybe go and see him for a weekend but try hard not to say how bereft you are at the moment
I hope you find some great new interests soon now that you've done so well for him and you too have a little more freedom. 💐

misssunshine4040 · 15/09/2023 19:29

Clipclopclickplop · 15/09/2023 19:15

My only son, who I have raised with just the two of us has left to start an amazing degree at a lovely small university. We have fought together to get his autism diagnosis, we laugh, have our catchphrases and he has been the most wonderful son to raise, he is basically my reason for living.

I am beside myself with grief that he is no longer here, I cant hear him chatting to his friends online, he won't come home for 11 weeks.

I am close to having a full on meltdown panic attack as I do not know how I can cope being alone without him for so long. I want him to have an amazing fulfilling time and succeed in everything he aims for but how do I deal with the agony of him not being at home? Any tactics welcome please as i need to be strong for him!

This must be so hard. You sound like an amazing mum and what a brilliant start to life he's got.

These feelings will feel less intense as you both adjust to the new normal.
Don't try and fight this stage, allow your emotions to come and mourn.

Lovemusic82 · 15/09/2023 19:30

Sending hugs and a handhold. Single mum here too, my dd started uni last year, she isn’t a only child but her sibling is more severely autistic and not very verbal, dd1 was my chatty one and although we clashed at times she kept me company and I had someone to chat nonsense too. When she started uni I felt as though I had something ripped from me. I cried for a week and secretly hoped she would call for me to collect her. She didn’t call, she settled in pretty quickly, made friends and didn’t want to come home. I visited a couple times and she returned for a week at Christmas, time went pretty quickly, before I knew it she was home for the summer (starts year 2 next week).

It does get easier, keeping busy helps, making plans and having things to look forward too helps.

AnneVeronica · 15/09/2023 19:30

Look up Dr Claire Weekes on YouTube - she'll get you through the panic attacks.

Can you go and visit in, say 3 weeks - something to look forward to.

Download some audio books, plays from BBC Sounds to absorb you.

All the best.

ConnieTucker · 15/09/2023 19:31

Id echo can you plan a visit? When i went to uni my parents stayed at a local hotel and enjoyed city life and finding shops they liked that we just didn't have in our crappy town in the 90’s. They were still going to the same hotel once a year until covid.

Original poster
Clipclopclickplop · 15/09/2023 19:33

It's his birthday is a fortnight so I'm taking his beloved spaniels down and as tradition for us, a rather resplendent decorated cake that he can share with his new housemates. He's sent me a photo of his room and apparently he's already know as the person with the epic spice rack, so proud he raided the cupboards so effectively before he left.

I'm about to start a jewellery design degree to keep my mind occupied but I know its the evenings when he would sit with me and we'd listen to music, we discovered a random love of slipknot, and discussing philosophical dilemmas, and binge watch Bob's Burgers. He's not here.
Thank you all for your lovely words, they have helped me know I'm not going mad!

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 15/09/2023 19:39

When my youngest left home 18 months ago, I took to my bed for 24 hours grief stricken, she moved 5 minutes away! I’m better now 😂

TenOhSeven · 15/09/2023 19:42

It's never good to make a child your only reason for living. I hope you gain some perspective soon. Good luck with the jewellery degree.

Dotcheck · 15/09/2023 19:46

This is why you worked hard to get the diagnosis. This is a good thing!

LifeInTheUK · 15/09/2023 19:48

i get it @Clipclopclickplop
2 dcs fir me. One left last year, the other this year. The house feels very empty.

Its not codependency as some posters mentioned.
It’s the fact you’ve build a life in a certain way and suddenly it’s not there anymore. You had someone to chat with in the evening and now there is silence.
And all the while, just like, you are happy to see them fly and create their own life for themselves.

Its a really big change though.

Bobbybobbins · 15/09/2023 19:50

You sound like you have done an amazing job as his mum and I hope you feel very proud of yourself.

Iamanunsafebuilding · 15/09/2023 19:53

Dizzydahlias · 15/09/2023 19:26

He sounds like a lovely son.
Is there any chance you can pop to see him in a few weeks ?

My DD started university last year. She was regularly FaceTiming, messaging and the holidays when she was at home for long. It did t really feel like she was gone for long.

When my DS started Uni I, like most, missed him terribly. Then after about 4 weeks he messaged to say he'd like his football boots which he hadn't taken so I took them to him, it was my excuse for a visit! And it actually really helped, I could see with own eyes how much he had settled in and was enjoying it and I got to hug him a lot!

When he went for his second and subsequent years it got easier again, you get used to the coming and going.

ssd · 15/09/2023 19:54

I salute that epic spice rack, he sounds some boy and you sound a wonderful mum. Hugs to youFlowers

ZadocPDederick · 15/09/2023 19:55

Brilliant idea doing the jewellery design degree. Can you look into some more activities for the evenings so you don't notice his absence so much?

When DD went to university I felt absolutely bereft, mostly because it was 5 hours' drive away. I was however lucky enough to have DH and DS to come back to. I still hated it every time she went back, but the time passed surprisingly quickly. If he's coming back for reading week and Christmas, focus on those!

PoshPineapple · 15/09/2023 19:56

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bereft, and by the description of your lovely times together, it's easy to understand why.

Just remember it IS grief and you're absolutely allowed to feel sad, lonely and a host of other emotions. Hopefully once you've seen him and can see for yourself how well he's settling, that will be a massive assurance for you.

Enjoy his birthday!

Original poster
Clipclopclickplop · 15/09/2023 19:57

I must admit (not proud) that when he broke down saying goodbye to our dogs that he would decide not to go, I'm very aware that this is his time to shine, not mine to dull that to suit my needs.

And in reply to the poster above, I'm very proud to make my son my reason to be a good parent and not succumb to a mental health crisis, he has kept me alive the same way I have nuturered and protected him to keep him so.

I am going to cry and wail at losing my superstar but he will never know, thank you amazing people, it's bought me back from a scary brink reading your words and empathy xxxx

OP posts:
chosenone · 15/09/2023 20:00

I can relate ❤️ and I have DH and DD here!! DS went last week and when I saw (on snap maps) he was out in the city at 2.30am one night o ended up sobbing and panicking. My DS is neurotic diverse and quirky and I’ve put so much into him and his education and pushed and encouraged him so much! We battle like mad but I’m his greatest cheerleader. Lots of us will feel similar. Keep busy and pay yourself on the back. What an amazing start you’ve given him. Let him fly and be ready when he needs you. Big hugs ❤️