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Original poster

Only child left to start Uni, grief and panic attack

39 replies

Clipclopclickplop · 15/09/2023 19:15

My only son, who I have raised with just the two of us has left to start an amazing degree at a lovely small university. We have fought together to get his autism diagnosis, we laugh, have our catchphrases and he has been the most wonderful son to raise, he is basically my reason for living.

I am beside myself with grief that he is no longer here, I cant hear him chatting to his friends online, he won't come home for 11 weeks.

I am close to having a full on meltdown panic attack as I do not know how I can cope being alone without him for so long. I want him to have an amazing fulfilling time and succeed in everything he aims for but how do I deal with the agony of him not being at home? Any tactics welcome please as i need to be strong for him!

OP posts:

chosenone · 15/09/2023 20:01

DS is neurodiverse not neurotic! That’ll be me

AngelinaFibres · 15/09/2023 20:12

Have you heard of the meetups website. Lots of groups to join. Cinema,eating,walking etc etc. We are part of a walking group. We meet one evening a week and either Saturday or Sunday every week throughout the year. We take headtorches in the winter. I am fitter ( and slimmer) and I've made friendships that extend outside the group. You go or not depending on other things cropping up. It's a fantastic site

sparklefresh · 15/09/2023 20:13

Please don't give your son any indication that you are 'grieving' (and please don't say that that's how you feel to anyone whose child has actually died). It isn't fair on him. I'd find it completely suffocating to think I was someone's reason for living.

I'd also be cautious about going to see him unless he asks you (without prompting) to do so - give him time and space to be his own person and find his own way.

LifeInTheUK · 15/09/2023 20:22

@sparklefresh it is grieving though.

Not for the child but for the time together, a certain way of living etc….
There are many things you can grieve that aren’t connected to the death of someone

Original poster

Clipclopclickplop · 15/09/2023 20:23

As I've said, my son will be given no indication of my personal struggle, his needs are the most foremost for me. I also respect his space and life and would never 'surprise' him with an uninvited drop in.
I'm sorry you regard such a strong love for a child as suffocating, it can be if at the detriment of a child's personal development, my son has has every route and exploration open to him, my needs have been purely to make sure he isn't put at a disadvantage if confronted with narrow minded people.

OP posts:

twistyizzy · 15/09/2023 20:30

@Clipclopclickplop it sounds like you have done an amazing job parenting him and no wonder that you are now grieving. I'm a good few years off this yet with DD but I can completely empathise with how you are feeling and I'm sure I will be the same.
That strength of bond you've built with him will never truly leave and you get to share all the amazing things he has in front of him.

TotalOverhaul · 15/09/2023 20:31

OP, your feelings are normal. I completely relate to how intense that bond is between mother and autistic child. You have probably had to help and support him far more than if he had been neurotypical, and he has probably enjoyed companionship with you at a deeper level than many teens do. My ND son was like this.

You are allowed to miss him horribly. An intense period of your life is over and you are mourning that life, its familiarity, its huge learning curve. I felt like I had learned so well how to relate to him and suddenly all that expertise was redundant.

But if he;s anything like my son, he'll be back and he'll need you in new ways. My DS needed a huge amount of advice and support at uni as he navigated social situations and work loads, friendships, fallouts, romance etc.

You will find new freedom and a chance to focus on yourself. I must admit I totally went through the motions of that at first. Doing things because I could or should not because I wanted to. But gradually I'm learning to have an adult to adult relationship and it is good.

Ladybug14 · 15/09/2023 20:36

I totally empathise. But it does get easier and new normals are created. Promise xxx

Upanddownthemerrygoround · 15/09/2023 20:38

What an amazing mum you are.

go, wallow in grief (a bit) but also give your chance to find the things you can do now that are in this next stage of life.

Babyroobs · 15/09/2023 20:40

It is hard. I am losing four of the five young people living with me currently. DD ( my youngest ) went off to Uni yesterday, ds going next week, and ds1and his gf leaving to move into a flat of their own the day after ! It will take some adjustment to go from a house full to almost just the two of us. It will soon be Christmas holidays op, the terms go quickly.

Heyheyitsanotherday · 15/09/2023 20:41

No words of advice but lots of words of comfort. I can feel your pain through your message. You sound a wonderful mother with an incredible son. Take each day as it comes. Sending hugs xx

Original poster

Clipclopclickplop · 15/09/2023 20:41

@TotalOverhaul that is it absolutely, we are such a powerful team, I just hope he can carry on knowing my love for him is still as powerful miles apart, his face as he relaxed once he found his room and his need to make it into his own space, on his own, was the moment I knew I could step away and return home without him. He had made that next step we never mentioned or doubted verbally. Selfish me wants to watch him thrive, god the separation so I can't is agonising. Panic has descended into quiet grief, and yes you can grieve for a life no longer available or retractable.

OP posts:

7eleven · 15/09/2023 21:09

OP your mutual love will travel miles and years. You will always be his mum.

This WILL ease. Be very very kind to yourself.

InBedByTen · 15/09/2023 21:24

I don’t know whether you’re a poetry fan, op, but Carol Ann Duffy edited a fantastic collection of poems about all this, called Empty Nest. I’d really recommend it. I’m a big believer in allowing yourself to feel what you feel. It’s ok to have a good cry and to feel the sadness along with the pride.

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