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Original poster

Do you always present your “real self”?

38 replies

PikachuEars · 14/09/2023 23:21

For various reason I’ve been thinking a lot about how often we present our “true selves”

Personally I feel like only DH and my DC always get the “real me”. A few select friends mostly do. Obviously they get different versions of the “real me” - (the way I speak to my DC is different from how I speak to my friends), but they all feel like “me”.

But with most people, most of the time I feel like I am consciously or unconsciously acting the way I think I’m expected to act in the situation, which is either not “real me” or a heavily filtered version of “real me”.

Does everyone relate to the feeling of “faking it” or am I weird?

OP posts:
ScaredSceptic · 14/09/2023 23:24

I feel exactly the same. I would say only my DH, and my close family (parents, siblings) get the real me. They are the only people I feel 100 per cent comfortable with, so the rest of the time I'm more guarded, and not really myself.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 23:31

I'm always myself, but obviously more censored with most people. My husband is the only one who gets the 100% uncensored version.

If you're balls out to the walls out with absolutely everyone, then you're a problem. That's just not how the real world works. If we are conscientious people, we all have different versions of ourselves, to various degrees.

echt · 14/09/2023 23:45

Like most people, I adapt to whatever situation I'm in, though it's mostly not consciously adopted, so I don't feel inauthentic.

I worked for 40+ years in teaching, one of the most authentic jobs going, which part of its attraction, yet always had a layer, an appropriate mask as it were. Also pretending when going into difficult classes, getting my game face on. It never felt fake.
Just as a personal observation, I only encountered one teacher who was different in class to socially, among their peers The rule for me was what you see is what you get in that job. I should say that exception was very diffident outside the classroom, utter dynamite when teaching.

Brightandshining · 14/09/2023 23:48

I don't think anyone has a 'true' self tbh. Human beings are so complex. Our interactions with different people will bring out different things in us.

I don't really consciously decide how I'm going to be with different people but I can tell I'm naturally more reticent with some people, more serious with some people, silly with others. I feel like it's ALL really me.

Charlattanus23 · 15/09/2023 00:11

Nope. Only a handful of friends and family know the real me. If I actually showed people at work what I really think of them and made clear the effect they had on me I'd probably be sacked. So I smile and say as little as I can and then come home and plan another cosy crime murder mystery. One of these days I will get round to writing them though I'll have to calm down about how crap my colleagues are first and wrap them in a composite disguise.

I have worked for lovely organisations where we were all supportive and aligned. This workplace isn't it.

Morewineplease10 · 15/09/2023 00:44

Yeah, I'm mostly 'me' to a degree - possibly i should be less so...

Maddy70 · 15/09/2023 00:58

Yes (unfortunately!)

WellPlaced · 15/09/2023 01:30

I think I’m the same with everyone. Genuinely

fabvulm · 15/09/2023 01:32

No, not at all. DH knows me, but my dc don't and my parents/siblings don't. I present different versions of myself depending on the situation. Sometimes I'll lie outright, because that's what you have to do to fit in. And then there are aspects of my life I won't be open about, because people judge. I don't really get close enough to anyone for them to question the authenticity, I present them with what they expect to see so they accept it.

coxesorangepippin · 15/09/2023 01:39

Yeah, most of the time I'm faking

I'm quite goofy and like joking around but that's not well received at work

Obviously I can do this in front of the kids, but then at the same time I'm the adult in charge so there's a limit to that

With DH I can sometimes be myself... but I do rein it in a lot

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/09/2023 02:00

How do you define your true self?

There are situations where I might not be as relaxed and unguarded as I would be in the privacy of my home with my closest family members but I am still being me.

I don’t always communicate my honest opinion, but it is still me keeping that honest opinion to myself.

The way we interact with other people is not just about who we are but is also about who they are. As we get to know someone we learn more about the best way to communicate and interact with them.

We have different roles in our lives. I think it was Edward de Bono who came up with the many hats metaphor to describe how our conduct changes depending upon our particular role at the time. At work you will have your professional hat on, then take it off when you’re at home. If you are a parent then you will have your parenting hat on with your kids but take it off when you go out with your friends to the local pub or club etc.

I think I am pretty genuine most of the time regardless of my different roles.

However, I have known people who deliberately put on a convincing, yet deceptive facade for manipulative reasons or to hide their true agenda. But, is this pretending to be someone that they are not a character flaw that is part of their true self?

So, what is a true self?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 15/09/2023 02:17

I'm not NOT me, but maybe a more filtered me?

NailyDale · 15/09/2023 02:36

God no. I actively repress who I am 100% of the time I am outside my house. I consciously and continually remind myself not to say things or express opinions about anything ever. Just smile and nod and say vague neutral things. I am myself when alone with my cat.

On the odd occasion I get carried away and engage with someone, I am paralysingly anxious about it for weeks afterwards.

HappiDaze · 15/09/2023 02:59

I have to dig deep and control my opinions and emotions for work. I can however be myself when chatting and laughing about non work stuff at work

WandaWonder · 15/09/2023 03:27

I think I am the same no matter who I am with, but how people see others and people see themselves is always different but I don't feel I am different that I know of

SadnapTwapples · 15/09/2023 04:34

I think of them all these days as my sub-personalities. All of them are me. But I enjoy being some of them more than others... that's when I'm least guarded, with friends.
Don't mind using personas slightly for work... it can be helpful.

frozendaisy · 15/09/2023 05:33

No I don't need to create a different person I'm not that objectionable. Of course there are some people you clash with but that's fine it works both ways.

Obviously there are things which are private within the household, and obviously you modify your behaviour in different circumstances, you wouldn't act the same at a rock gig to the theatre say, but that's just normal.

LlynTegid · 15/09/2023 07:06

Work me is not out of work me. Some things don't come to work as it were. Partly out of consideration to colleagues, as I am sure some of my interests are not shared.

Giggorata · 15/09/2023 08:34

In terms of my personality, especially now I'm older, I am the real me fairly consistently, but filter some aspects to the public or at work.

There are a lot of inner thoughts, feelings and histories that don't get shared, of course.

My adoptive parents, now long deceased, would actually have been horrified if they knew what I really felt and believed, so that was never shared with them.

DanielsDancingMonkey · 15/09/2023 08:47

I’m always me, but with a different filter for every occasion. I thought that was normal.

VeridicalVagabond · 15/09/2023 08:53

I think most people show different facets of their personality to different people in different situations.

My daughter has said I'm much scarier on my work calls that I ever am with her (I wfh so she has overheard meetings before) but that's because I have to be more stern in work than I would be with her. It's still me, it's just the parts of me I specifically need for that situation.

I'm far louder and gigglier with my sisters than with anyone else, I have a Welsh accent when I talk to my mum on the phone, I'm polite and professional with clients. It's all me, just different bits of me coming to the forefront as needed.

Attictroll · 15/09/2023 08:55

Agree I am a version of me but more censored or cautious with different groups- especially anyone or thing new. I assumed most people are like this. Although I did get my head in a spin about this when discussing possible autism for one of my dc as no one could adequately explain the difference between doing this and masking to me that made sense as there was no bar for normal. Made me wonder if the fact I did this could be masking and it's autistic just for doing it. Still confuses me.

Dacadactyl · 15/09/2023 09:03

According to my daughter I'd get cancelled if I said the things I do at home out in the real world. So, in that respect, no I don't.

There is a select group of people that I'd share my genuine thoughts with, but other than that I'm myself out in the world. That being said, I'm quicker to anger at home than at work.

SparkleBubble · 15/09/2023 09:04

I'm only 'completely me' when I'm alone.

I think we co-construct our personalities when we're with other people. I can be quite different depending on the friend I'm with, because different friends bring out different parts of me. Conversations with my boss bring out the professional part of me, a conversation with my brother might bring out the silly side or the bossy side of me.

People are multifaceted and we have the ability to adapt to complex situations.

Cattlepillar · 15/09/2023 09:05

I don't do this but I understand what you mean as I have a friend who does. We used to be close but the way she puts on an act is really frustrating so we don't talk much anymore. It's probably part of a cycle tbh, the less we talk the more she feels she needs to put on an act so the less we talk as I find it awkward.

Why do you do it? I thought me and this friend were pretty close, I've been supportive of various things she's gone through and she's even said she loves spending time with me as I'm so straightforward. So she sees it as a desirable trait but won't be straightforward with me? Sorry, not trying to derail your thread. It just perplexes me. I understand not interacting with people if you don't get on with them but why would you hold back/put on an act with people that you like and who like you?

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