Do you always present your “real self”?

[PikachuEars]

For various reason I’ve been thinking a lot about how often we present our “true selves”

Personally I feel like only DH and my DC always get the “real me”. A few select friends mostly do. Obviously they get different versions of the “real me” - (the way I speak to my DC is different from how I speak to my friends), but they all feel like “me”.

But with most people, most of the time I feel like I am consciously or unconsciously acting the way I think I’m expected to act in the situation, which is either not “real me” or a heavily filtered version of “real me”.

Does everyone relate to the feeling of “faking it” or am I weird?

I’ve spent the majority of my life with undiagnosed autism, so for me, I mask so much I don’t even know who the real me is.

I think the real me might be the person who just wants to sit quietly alone and not have to speak to anyone!

This. It’s naive to think there’s some kind of authentic ‘core’. As Walt Whitman says ‘I am large, I contain multitudes’.

sometimes – particularly, say, in an new job or a situation where I don’t particularly fit with the culture (actually also thinking of a job I had there).

Over time in job situations, I feel like after a point you’re established and so can be a bit more ‘yourself’, and also who you are changes a bit to adapt to your environment and work identity. That probably depends a lot on what you for work also.

But in other situations I still feel like myself – eg I went to a social event this week with people I don’t know who were not really similar to any of my existing friends. So while I found myself adapting to their styles a bit to try and bridge the gap, I still felt like myself.

I think it also depends how far out of your comfort zone you go – sometimes you’re in a situation where the modes of interaction are outside of your repertoire and so it can feel ‘fake’ to try and pass / fit in.

I also think it’s influenced by how you’re feeling generally. At a job I had a few years ago, I didn’t really fit in with the culture and found myself trying to ‘adapt’ to fit in. (It was just a pt job in a fairly casual environment, so not a case of ‘upping my game’ or ‘growing’ necessarily). They just weren’t my people, and were a bit bitchy with it. Anyway, in hindsight, I feel like this feeling from that job spilled into a lot of my interactions – during that time I often didn’t feel like I was ‘being myself’, even if it was just chatting with someone in the park or whatever. I didn’t feel very ‘grounded’ and probably felt a bit insecure. Whereas now I feel more myself even when I meet people who I don’t know or who are very different.

haha v true 😂

I don't even know what my true self is.

I'm a very different person when I'm with my parents (their child) to who I am at work (secondary teacher). My teacher self (my endless patience) is very different to my mum self (much more bossy and take no shit), my mum self is very different to my wife self, and my wife self is very different to my friend self.

We are complex, and behave differently depending on the situation. All these people (daughter, employee, colleague, teacher, wife, mother, friend etc) are me and I am me in all of these roles.

This is all interesting. I'm part of a number of discussion groups for neurodiverse women (I've got ADHD myself) and see lots of conversations about "masking" but a lot of the examples I see referenced are things I suspect most neurotypical people do.

I've also seen similar conversations regarding ethnicity and 'code-switching'.

Or talk at work about "being our authentic selves".

To my mind a lot of this adaptation of how we behave and present is positive - demonstrating emotional intelligence and responsiveness. As a manager my biggest problems have been with people who have a "take me as you find me" attitude who have little awareness for how their behaviour impacts others.

But where does the normal (and positive) experience of adapting stop and masking or code-switching start?

No, nobody does. We all wear different masks according to who we’re with. I don’t talk to my colleagues in the same way I talk to DH, why would I?!

My job is quite a performative role, I have to do a fair bit of “acting”. I’m naturally out-going, so it suits me. But when I’m not in the mood or not feeling well, I still have to switch it on.

Yes I'm heavily moderating my personality especially at work, very consciously.

Obviously ND people mask to different degree, which takes a huge amount of energy and must feel relentless - however the NT experience is more differentiated than some of the stereotypes suggest, that everything is just unconscious all the time.

@PikachuEars I also have adhd and although I've no idea why code-breaking of whatever it is is, I see "masking" more as toning down the craziness in my head. No one needs to see that one day I want to embrace my kawaii obsession and come to work dressed as a jigglypuff, the next deciding to be an onlyfans model, the next deciding it's Christmas in August and getting out all the tat and decorations, the next day deciding I'm a minimalist and only wearing black and getting rid of everything I own, the next day deciding I want to be a classy, sophisticated lady in fitted dresses and pearls and start giving everyone etiquette lessons, the next thinking nah, I'd rather be a creative individual and rock up in my dungarees and homemade crochet cardigan and bright acrylic earrings....... it would be exhausting never knowing who was walking through the door the next day. It's hard enough for my little brain to keep track of, I wouldn't burden anyone else with that 😂

My partner, sister and adult kids get the real me. With everyone I mask (autistic) to a greater or lesser degree, depending on how comfortable I am with them. Strangers and acquaintances I mask completely, and its really hard work to the point I avoid it as much as possible.

There are lots of versions that are all me, I just present different aspects of myself. Maybe pushing forward particular qualities and supressing others.

So work me, daughter me, mum me, wife me, friend me are all me but very different.

I am not naturally confident or outgoing so work me is a bit of an act. Im not really presenting natural qualites but pretending to ne ok with standing up talking or pho ing people.

Good people presenting themselves is harmless to others. In relation to them, it depends on how lucky they are meeting their suitable match.

Creepy people doing the same thing would deprive others of their happiness, possessions, money, sanity, life prospects, limbs if they presented their real self.

That's still okay faking you have pointed out.