Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do I resign? Or ask for unpaid leave?

48 replies

Boomboompartyparty · 14/09/2023 20:46

Posting for traffic. I am 3 months into a new role. I enjoy the work and love the team. But my life is hectic and I am overwhelmed.

I am in the middle of a huge renovation. I have to make a billion decisions every day and it's endless. Plus my builder is a gaslighting twat.

DD8 has special needs and I am spending huge amounts of time trying to sort her support out.

My FIL is dying and DH is taking on more of a caring role, meaning I am managing 3 kids alone most of the time, including clubs, homework, activities etc.

I am struggling with perimenopause. The anxiety, the seemingly endless 2.weekly periods, the exhaustion. The brain fog is killing me. I need to go back to the GP, but honestly I don't know where I will find the time.

My work requires focus and brainpower. I am working from early morning until late at night trying to keep on top of everything and I can feel myself drowning under it all. I'm mid 40s and I can't work the way I used to 20 year ago.

DH thinks I should ask for unpaid leave for a.period of time. I've never ever done anything like this before and don't know how to ask. I feel terrible even thinking about it, i hate letting people down, but I genuinely cannot cope.

What do I do? And how do I do it?

OP posts:
Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 20:49

Three months in is risky. You can ask, they may let you but you may find yourself just replaced.

Original poster
Boomboompartyparty · 14/09/2023 21:00

That's my worry. I like the work and the firm. Right job, wrong time. I feel like they'll be supportive but quietly ditch me in a few months..

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 14/09/2023 21:02

New role or new work place , if you have no history with them I think they’d be likely to just let you go .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Women's health
Original poster
Boomboompartyparty · 14/09/2023 21:03

New workplace. It's disheartening to think that they'd just let me go, but you're probably right.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 14/09/2023 21:08

You could need to be out for months and it's not fair to colleagues or the employer to expect this. You've only just started and many of these issues must you must have been aware of before starting the job. I think if you can't do the job because of personal commitment you should resign. If you are not in work, other team members will be expected to cover for you. It's really not fair to them.

Findyourneutralspace · 14/09/2023 21:09

If you really aren’t coping I’d suggest a conversation with your manager. Would a temporary reduction in hours help? Does it have to be all or nothing?
You have a lot on your plate and any decent manager would understand but it’s how they will manage without you. Realistically how long do you need?
Id definitely prioritise sorting a trip to the doctors, as that seems something tangible that doesn’t take a huge amount of effort and could make a big difference.

jclm · 14/09/2023 21:09

Could you go part time? Or perhaps it is time to let this job go and re enter the workplace when things are more stable and calm.

The other solution may be to buy in help (if you can afford) and also work fewer hours. For example, I work four days a week, term time only, have a weekly cleaner, use the launderette, we get a take away at the weekend, etc. I am just about managing but it doesn't take much to push me off!! We have a disabled child which as you know comes with a huge amount of additional stress.

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 21:10

You're better off seeing if the GP thinks you are unfit to work. If so getting signed off sick and then fired will allow you to claim jobseekers

Howdoesitworkagain · 14/09/2023 21:13

How about limiting work to more reasonable hours? Would that help with the overwhelm? Or even taking a day off to get everything out of your head and down on paper / digital lists? I’ve found that I feel more stressed and overwhelmed when I’m holding information and tasks in my head. I read Getting Things Done and it made so much sense and gives me peace of mind even when I’m busy that I’m not missing anything vital.

I’d take extended time off only as a last resort if I was in a desperate state mental-health wise, I do think that so soon they might just let you go.

Topee · 14/09/2023 21:14

What about buying helps in to try and ease the burden instead? Cleaner, Gardner, laundry service etc

TheSummerITurnedChubby · 14/09/2023 21:15

Oh poor you - that sounds absolutely overwhelming. I really wouldn’t ask for unpaid leave , for the reasons PPs have said ; unless maybe you are in a very niche role?

But as you have been there 3 months, can you book some single days of leave, spread over the next few weeks, and use them to get yourself straight, see the GP and look after your well-being ? And also outsource wherever you can - cleaner, tutor for kids, project manager for renovation, home help, anything like that? I am afraid your DH may have to step up as well; appreciate that’s very sensitive though

I remember being on that treadmill when my FIL was dying (no SEN in family so not as hard for me) and you have to remember that the kids can miss a week of spellings or swimming or ballet or whatever and the world won’t stop

YoSof · 14/09/2023 21:16

I really wouldn’t ask only three months in. You have very few rights in the workplace at this stage and they could well just replace you.

Is there anything you can do to ease the stress in other areas, even temporarily? A cleaner, gardener etc?

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 14/09/2023 21:20

Go to the GP and get your bloods done, start on some multivitamins, eat healthily and start on HRT.

Can you get a cleaner in so you outsource some of the housework to stay on top of things.

SecretShambles · 14/09/2023 21:20

I can't see them going for this after 3 months.

How do they know it won't happen again?

Tuxedomom · 14/09/2023 21:22

How much do you earn? Unless it's a low income, I'd ask to cut down to 4 days, or 3 full and 2 half, and pay people to clean, garden, order meals from cook etc. Don't underestimate the benefits of going to work when home is crazy.

fruitbrewhaha · 14/09/2023 21:22

How many hours are you supposed to be working? You shouldn’t have to working all day and evening, it’s not on.

Could you put a pause on the renovation? If the builder is a twat fire him and find someone else to finish it off later, in the new year may e to give you some breathing space.

Are you on hrt? Call the Gp and make an appointment. You are allowed to have a drs appointment.

Book a days leave for next week. Just pick a day and use it to get your head together a bit. You should have accrued 7 days in your time there. Therefore book another for 2 weeks time.

Do you have a good friend who can help out with lifts to activities etc. If one of my friends told me she was on her knees I’d help.

Does dh have any siblings who can help with his father. Is he getting all the help he is entitled to?

PurplePansy05 · 14/09/2023 21:30

Ask for compressed hours to have one day a week for caring responsibilities/to yourself?

Or a temporary reduction in working hrs?

Alternatively ask for a sabbatical if your employer offers it?

Or take some time off sick and get your meds and health, including MH sorted. Unsurprisingly you sound on the verge of a burnout.

Look after yourself, OP 💐

PurplePansy05 · 14/09/2023 21:33

Ah sorry just reread you're new in!

First port of call, take few days off and outsource, outsource, outsource. Delegate things to other people and only deal with what you absolutely have to do by yourself over the next few months.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 14/09/2023 21:33

Here's a thought.

Dh could take some leave and pick up some of the domestic slack. It sounds like he's abandoned everything to support his dad (of course he should support his dad but not to the detriment of his own family unit, especially with SEN and 3 dc). Why is it all being left to you, and YOU being expected to jeopardise your entire career? Would he do the same if you had to up-sticks and hand EVERYTHING - dc, household etc - over to him?

I didn't think so.

BHRK · 14/09/2023 21:37

No don’t ask for unpaid leave, they will probably get rid of you!
you have to find a way of coping at home - buy in as much help as you can, live on ready meals for six months if needs be, cut down the kids‘a clubs for a few months. Tell DH he needs to do more so that you don’t lose your job!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/09/2023 21:41

You could ask for unpaid parental leave maybe? Have a look at that legislation.

IdealisticCynic · 14/09/2023 21:41

This sounds st

IdealisticCynic · 14/09/2023 21:47

Aghhh! Posted last message early by accident!

Was trying to say: this sounds stressful OP. So sorry. I think the best solution depends a bit on what you do and what you earn. Going part time might be an option, if you can afford it and your role can be done part time. Also, you can be creative with flexi working (where allowed). For example, I did part time over the full 5 days for a while which allowed me to deal with school pick up etc. My firm actually loved it because at least I was available every day, rather than wholly unavailable for 1 or 2 days a week.

moresleepthanks · 14/09/2023 21:50

No, don't give up your job.

I understand that FIL requires care but your DH also needs to be supporting his family a bit as well.

I would throw money at both FIL care and as much as possible of home tasks.

You can't just be abandoned to manage everything at the expense of your job.

IdealisticCynic · 14/09/2023 21:51

And outsourcing stuff as others have suggested is also a good idea if you can afford it. At a particularly tricky time for us, we hired a cleaner who tidies as well as cleans and she came in twice a week so the house stuff was always sorted. She also did our laundry and took dry cleaning away and brought it back etc. It was only for about 6 months but was absolutely brilliant and made life liveable. It did wonders for my productivity too!