Do I resign? Or ask for unpaid leave?

[Boomboompartyparty]

Posting for traffic. I am 3 months into a new role. I enjoy the work and love the team. But my life is hectic and I am overwhelmed.

I am in the middle of a huge renovation. I have to make a billion decisions every day and it's endless. Plus my builder is a gaslighting twat.

DD8 has special needs and I am spending huge amounts of time trying to sort her support out.

My FIL is dying and DH is taking on more of a caring role, meaning I am managing 3 kids alone most of the time, including clubs, homework, activities etc.

I am struggling with perimenopause. The anxiety, the seemingly endless 2.weekly periods, the exhaustion. The brain fog is killing me. I need to go back to the GP, but honestly I don't know where I will find the time.

My work requires focus and brainpower. I am working from early morning until late at night trying to keep on top of everything and I can feel myself drowning under it all. I'm mid 40s and I can't work the way I used to 20 year ago.

DH thinks I should ask for unpaid leave for a.period of time. I've never ever done anything like this before and don't know how to ask. I feel terrible even thinking about it, i hate letting people down, but I genuinely cannot cope.

What do I do? And how do I do it?

If you ask for unpaid leave after only 3 months how many more are you going to ask for? Very risky in my opinion

Talk to your boss. When I started my new job and I mean a week in I had a lot happen, I went to resign they didn't want me to. I took a month unpaid , they also offered part time .

Could you also outsource some of the jobs i.e a cleaner ?

Recruitment isn't easy and is expensive, a lot of roles are on 3 months notice plus recruitment time, costs etc. If you are good and they see that , it will be easier for them to give you a bit of breathing space than find someone new.

I wouldn’t ask for leave 3 months in. The risk is that they will just fire you, which would leave you in an even bigger pickle. If you tell them you’re not managing, they’ll think you’re not right for the role.

Is DH working, or solely caring? Can he take a period of unpaid leave, if he is in a more established job?

What support can be bought in? Cleaner, ready meals, carers for FIL? It’s awful that your FIL is very ill, but your DH needs to fulfil his parenting responsibilities too.

Can any activities be put on hold for a few months?

I need to go back to the GP, but honestly I don't know where I will find the time

Honestly you need to make time. Take a sick day if necessary but prioritise this. It needs to happen.

Agree with this- that your DH should take time off and pick up some of 'your' caring duties. Especially if he's been at his workplace for over 2 years.

Also, time off for a dying parent WILL be seen more sympathetically than a generally full plate.

Can you hold off on the renovations?

Have you considered requesting Unpaid Parental Leave?

While normally you wouldn’t meet the criteria because you haven’t been there for a year, as per the gov.uk website, “Employers can extend parental leave to those groups who aren’t eligible. Employees can check this in their staff handbook.”

If they were to accede to you taking UPL despite not fulfilling the normal eligibility criteria, you could ask for all 4 weeks to be taken at the same time. Better to do this now than in the immediate run up to Xmas.

Ultimately, whether you decide to request it this way or as extended special leave (unpaid), you will need to have an open conversation with your manager about what’s going on. They can seek HR advice and you can go from there.

I wouldn’t just quit though if I were you. Sounds like a good job, the timing is just off. Better to ask and be told no, than walk away and always wonder.

Also, just to note, an employer cannot just ‘fire you’, as a PP phrased it, because you request time off. That’s absurd. Talk to them honestly.

Also, with regards to the Unpaid Parental Leave, it’s up to 4 weeks per annum per child so if you have 3 kids that’s 12 weeks. Your husband could take some of this even if you can’t.

Depends on your role and workplace really.

I'd bend over backwards to retain good staff.

It can take 6-12 months to fill roles and replace staff who leave. I'd much rather give someone a month off or reduce their hours than have to start a again from scratch. Not all roles, but more than half.

Also, Yes it's sad and stressful when a parent is at end of life, but there are other responsibilities here. Your DH needs to take on some facility duties. It shouldn't ALL fall to you. There needs to be compromise.

@Yellowisthenewpink could you just expand a bit on why it's absurd? I thought no one had any rights (other than protected) at three months but I'm no expert so could be completely confused.

Don't do anything until you've checked their HR policies.

You’re not confused.

*your DH should take time off and pick up some of 'your' caring duties. Especially if he's been at his workplace for over 2 years.

Also, time off for a dying parent WILL be seen more sympathetically than a generally full plate.*

This does seem like the obvious answer, rather than rocking the boat when you’re 3 months into a new job that you like.

Exactly this.

Check the absence management policy, and have an.honest conversation with HR and your boss around how to make this work for them and you.

Don't assume the worst.

I would suggest part time, but if you went part time, would your job get smaller?

For similar but less extreme reasons I keep mulling over asking to drop to 4 days pw but the nature of my role (senior management) but I know that the responsibilities wouldn’t really get any less so I’d either end up still working the same hours for less pay, or be more stressed because I’d be even less able to keep up!

They absolutely can just give her notice and let her go at this stage. She has only been there 3 months; you don’t have any protections (other than equality stuff).

Firstly, why would she be sacked for asking for time off? If the employer is a bit peeved at the request, they’d just say no, surely? And then she’d either carry on, or quit.

Let’s run with your scenario though and they just sack her for asking for time off without taking any further information just because her LOS is under 2 years. Even though, legally, they don’t have to follow fair dismissal procedures or even give a fair reason, they would be leaving themselves open to a potential Unfair Dismissal claim being brought against them.

If you’d read the OP, she has a child with SEN and she is also perimenopausal. The latter, quite simply, could very easily be covered under the EA. The former could potentially give rise to ‘discrimination by association’.

Hope this helps. Please do stop telling people they will likely be dismissed for anything and everything. Honestly, people read something on Mumsnet and all of a sudden are employment law specialists.

Your husband really does seem to be the person who should be taking time off work or looking into reduced hours. He should
be looking to support you in getting your footing in a new position by taking on more domestic duties if needed. That it coincides with senior care and renovations just exacerbates the situation, but none of it adds up to your career being the logical sacrifice.

@Yellowisthenewpink as nice as that sounds, I think it’s naive. No employer is going to say that they’ve fired someone for asking for time off, but we (should) all know how things work in the real world. If an employer wants to let someone go, they’ll find a reason and do it (and it’s a small minority that ever have an ET case upheld for example). It’s not helpful to pretend otherwise.

Have you passed your probation? Can you use a lot of your salary to throw money at the other stuff- after school babysitter, healthy ready meals cry frequent cleaner etc?

How badly do you need the money/career? If you need it, there's a risk of swapping one source of stress for another (cash shortage)

I'd think if there are other ways to simplify your life first?

Agree with others that it might make more sense for your husband to take time off.

So, you’re saying that she’d request the time off and they’d just sack her without asking questions? Or that they’d ask the questions, identify the risks and then just sack her anyway under the guise of something else?
Either scenario seems really rather far fetched to me, unless possibly it’s a two-bit company with no real understanding of the risks that dismissal can bring. I’ve only ever worked for very large organisations in a HR capacity and would never advise, and have never advised, to dismiss in such an instance. We also don’t make up reasons to sack people either. We follow procedures. But ETs don’t look favourably on very large companies so perhaps I/we tend towards being risk averse more than a tiny company might.

In any case, it seems that I think you and the other posters on here who have told the OP she’ll be dismissed for even asking for time off are, at best, ill-informed, and vice versa. It’s totally immaterial to me what a bunch of anonymous women think. I do, however, hope that the OP takes away the importance of seeking out more information in the real world from her actual employer, and pays as little regard to the musings of strangers on the internet as I do!

Finally, someone talking some sense!

I asked a similar question a while back about putting a part time request in while still on my probation period. The amount of people who told me I'd be sacked was astonishing. (As it happened, my manager was very receptive and the request was granted).

OP - Talk to your manager and explain the situation. You might be surprised at how supportive they are.