A message from an ‘ugly’ woman

[Over40Overdating]

I am, by all conventional standards, an ‘ugly’ woman.

I am not, and never have been, beautiful. Never pretty or attractive. On a good day with some good light, I could possibly pass for striking.

This awareness has crippled my self esteem for years, to the point of developing a phobia of mirrors and pictures. I have no pictures of me from 14 until recently.

Tonight, on my way home from work, 2 young women got on the trains opposite me and started discussing and laughing loudly about how deformed and ugly my face I was.

I didn’t challenge them because I am middle aged and knackered and didn’t fancy my chances with two very loud, much younger women, but I realised I don’t actually care.

For so long, someone calling me ugly or unattractive to my face would have been my worst nightmare but it happened and instead of the world ending, I’ve realised I no longer care about my face or how it’s viewed.

I don’t know if it’s age, peri menopause, life experience or being too tired to care, but for the first time in my life I feel like I am more than the sum of my facial features and very much like who I am regardless of what I look like.

I feel free. Like a giant weight I have been dragging around my whole life has suddenly dropped off. I wish I’d had this realisation decades ago! I wish I could tell younger me my wonky face doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. I have a life I am proud to have created and many things to celebrate and not a single one of them relied on me having a conventional looking face.

So fellow ‘ugly’ women, please come join me on a ‘DGAF’ thread.

Reassurance about your face ‘not being that bad really’ is banned.

Celebration of all the many other things you are than your physical appearance encouraged!

Nobody gives a fuck where you're from. But maybe think twice that women don't appreciate being likened to tractors and objectified as 'good fucks'. The fact that you think your nationality is the issue here is laughable.

I haven’t rtft but I can’t honestly say I’ve ever really met an ugly woman, even women I’ve disliked intensely, or women with strange features, or very old very sagging skin, gawky limbs etc, I am racking my brain and can’t think of one that was actually ugly. All have a charm, and not one ugly. Men, yes, many who are ugly. But women no, not ever.

I find what you said in your first post sad, the thought of you avoiding photos for many years is really, really sad. I am impressed you’re getting up and getting on with life, well done, enjoy every minute and hope you get a photo with someone you love, who really loves you or in an incredible place that brings you memories that you can cherish because it’s not about looking a certain way, it’s about being a human; different from everyone else and therefore equal.

Actually very few people could be considered ugly. There are even fewer who are truly beautiful. If you are less than lovely, you can always add polish with great hair, dressed and made up like you care about yourself etc. But do it for you, not for others.

FFS STOP. You’re digging yourself a much bigger hole 🙄 no pun intended 😂

When we say ‘Go away’, we mean from this thread. Not the country. You and your objectivation of woman are not welcome here.

ps you might find comradeship with ex MP Neil Parish 🚜

Nobody knew you weren't British when they responded to your post, genius. You're on the Internet. We still don't know where you come from and we really don't care.

We're not offended because of your colour or nationality (we still don't know what they are - did I mention that you're on the Internet?). We're offended because you objectify women as tractors and fucks and expect them to like it. We don't want you to go away because you're not British. We want you to go away because you're offensive.

Im not classically good looking....but ..i have charm and charisma..im confident. I know how to use them well in person. No matter if im not beautiful, a lot of men dont care when it comes down to it..if they do..not the guy for me x

The poor bloke can’t understand why we’re not grateful he might want to fuck us, even if we weigh 100kg. 😂

Back in your box, you chauvinistic prat.

You're 100% right about :

1: Brits and being offended/politically correct oppression: In France to imitate an English person we put our hand to our mouth saying "So shocking!" with an offended face:

2: Brits and lack of cultural awareness, being an island, only their way is acceptable, because they often don't even realise that the world around can be very different from them, yet like them as they are and expect the same in return: Small note though, that's a middle-class Brits exception, the working class and the aristocrat Brits are more than fine:

3: Men not caring for women's bodies and liking better when there's some flesh around: The oppression of beauty/thinness is coming from the fashion industry and does not reflect men's preferences:

Your directness and "offensive" words are refreshing from a French perspective on a UK forum :)
I offend British people a lot when not meaning to, and I have noticed the great difficulty of the British middle-class to understand our cultural difference: I guess they are under the impression that French people having such refined food and fashion, they necessarily have a culture of elegance and restraint: LOL I will answer with: Camembert! France has a large farming industry that very heavily influences its culture despite urbanism: a French individual is rude, vulgar and when not doing so on purpose to get a rise from their neighbour, they do so oblivious to how it will be received:
Usually, the working-class British people are really pleased with my frank speech, even brutal honesty and openness, in particular my lack of PC understanding/acceptance:

We've gone from the experience of ugly women to women being tractors to the French farming industry.

Whatever else this thread may be, it certainly isn't predictable.

There's a post at the moment on social media that I keep seeing about how 'It is economically rational for ambitious women to try as hard as possible to be thin. That is a tragedy'. It was the title of an Economist article, I think.

It also pays for women to be attractive. And that's tragic too.

Why can’t men just allow woman to talk to each other, without feeling the need to impart their unwanted and offensive opinions?

No, he's saying that he's far less interested in fucking you if you're 50kgs than he would be if you're 100kgs: And in my experience, quite a lot of guys out there feel like that:

Of course, English men would be more gentlemanly in the way to put it: Southern Europe is an entirely different culture, for better or for worse: In some regions of it, a man smacking your bum is still "a compliment":

I’m not interested in what you’ve got to say, thank you.

People can be extremely vindictive for whichever reason they like & they honestly don’t care. It’s upsetting & frustrating seeing & hearing what they do to others. I’m not photogenic and I was teased about having a lisp & that my mouth looked strange. It’s sad as in many photos with my son I’m not smiling. There is no one size fits all & I’ve been told that I’m beautiful & pretty then others will say average. My sisters were critised about having big lips & big bums when they were younger, however look how many people have fake ones now. I’ve gained weight & a lady in gym wear came up to me & said “You’d be so much prettier if you lost weight”. There were many people at the bus stop & she said it very loudly. I looked her up & down & said “You’re slim but still ugly so what help is there for you?”
She gasped & walked off. Leave people alone if you can’t take what you give out. Nowadays I’m thankful to wake up alive & I can leave my flat without covering myself in make up etc.

No one is really ugly. People are just self conscious or they are not. Even the most conventionally beautiful person can get laughed at by idiots on a train. I agree wasted effort worrying about it! ‘Beauty’ is a false measure of success and happiness. My mum was very beautiful. Had a terrible life because of it. Conventional beauty can attract terrible people and of course if doesn’t last! I’m quite plain had a great life.

Not his nationality, but his culture, yes: You are failing to understand that what he said was in good faith, as being acceptable or a compliment in his culture, and speaking English/living in the UK doesn't equal having a British culture as understanding and functioning in another culture take a long long time:

He has said something that offended you, and he apologised, you are lacking cultural awareness for not understanding where he is coming from nor accepting that where he comes from IS relevant: People around the world look at things in different ways and have different ideas of what is acceptable or not:

Yes but what about Camembert and the French farming industry?

I’m not thin. I run my own business and I’m minted. I’m not pretty, over 50 and I’m dating a millionaire. Women need to stop believing what they read in the Daily Mail about needing to be thin and pretty to have a happy life. Just get out there and live!

I liked it more when we were talking about Camembert.

"I don’t like that, it makes me feel like I can’t be happy and have a healthy mind because I’m disabled and can’t be active.
Please check your privilege, you’re not stuck in a wheelchair like me."

You are making here a quick and easy assumption: I am disabled as I live with multiple chronic conditions causing me chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and serious mobility issues:

First, being active doesn't mean being able to run a marathon: Being active means do what your body allows you to: A physiotherapist once told me that when I could not leave the bed due to pain, I was not being sedentary, because my body is active fighting the inflammation which is causing me pain: Being inactive for me would be to stay in bed when I have no pain and could be active, which almost never happens: For some of us being active only means physiotherapy once a week, or some adjusted exercises in a pool: It can even just mean having tea with friends, most days I couldn't even do that:

Additionally, I do not put the burden of being active on the person, but on the possibility to: In my case I can be physically active if I get my lidocaine trigger points injections as without my usual levels of pain I can afford to move, but with my usual levels of pain I can barely walk: I had them regularly in France but it isn't part of the NHS offer:

Second, the truth is when I could be physically active and exercise without pain, my mental health also improved very significantly: Our body's functions all are dependent on movement, and a lot of health difficulties and discomfort/pain are secondary to the lack of ability to move: It's not the disabled person's fault, and we have to find our own ways around it, but it doesn't make it untrue:

I am really sorry if my comment made you feel like you cannot have a healthy mind because you cannot be "active" in a more traditional way (doing sport): It was not what I was saying, so I hope that this clarifies it for you:

I am uglier than I feel.
I have friends, I have a partner of 20 years. I have a beautiful daughter.
but I’ve only ever been told I’m beautiful by my SO and by a friend who was really complementing us as a group and i genuinely think she forgot I was there and so I was included by accident.

I don’t look in mirrors at the hairdressers, I don’t like to be touched so I’ve never had a massage, facial or even my makeup applied by anyone else.

i have comments throughout my life that are etched into my soul regarding my ugliness.
when I was younger the comments were more direct and hurtful

now I’m older I’m more invisible and the comments are reduced to a look or an actual ignoring of my presence.

one of the most hurtful comments I had was from a stranger. They had taken time out of their day to comment on a photo of me and tell me that they couldn’t pass by without telling me how ugly I was- that I had no right posting photos without a warning to the viewer.
I don’t post my photos online anymore